I’ve Lost Track of Myself Along This Path
Now I need to learn who I am. Again.
For the past 14+ years, I’ve been working hard to be my truest, most genuine self. As part of that, and to spur more of the thing I love most (writing), I began blogging every single week on a topic I came to call Pathwalking. This is my life philosophy of applied mindfulness to choose the paths I take.
Since I began to live this way more regularly, I’ve been calmer, more grounded, better able to cope with the weirdness life throws, and even happier than at any other time in my life. It doesn’t hurt that it began with moving in with my future wife and taking a wholly new path for myself.
Along the way, one of the key lessons has been one of the ultimate universal truths: Change is the one and only constant in the universe. No matter if you seek it or not, change can, will, and does happen. All the time. Most of it is outside of your control.
That means that I change. Constantly. And I know this to be utterly true on every level. Mind, body, and spirit in my 50s are not what they were in my late 30s. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically, I’ve changed in more ways than I can probably quantify.
Because of the constancy of change, even when practicing active conscious awareness – applied mindfulness – it’s possible to lose the knowledge of who you are. Knowing this, it’s been pointed out to me by my therapist that I’ve lost track of myself. And that is blocking me on many levels.
Been there, done that, let’s go again
I’ve been here before. Over the course of my life, I’ve seen probably a half-dozen therapists. It started when I was very young because of the impact on me of my parents’ divorce. Because I’m deeply curious and love to learn, especially about what makes people tick (myself included), I’ve been open to new therapists as I moved through different stages of my life.
I know that therapy is not the end-all, be-all. If you yourself don’t do the work and make the effort, you remain wherever you might be stuck, be it mental, emotional, physical, spiritual, or some combination of the above. Hence, my work on developing the Pathwalking philosophy and practicing applied mindfulness.
Change being the only constant in the universe, everything is subject to it. While it can be glacially slow, it can also be unimaginably swift. And it applies to who you are. It applies to who I am. And, focused on certain other things, change has caused me to lose track of myself.
Who am I? Beyond the overall complexity of that question, I’ve discovered that focusing too much on certain whys in my life has made me lose track of myself and who I am.
How does that happen? Outside influences, anxieties, fears, worries, consideration of/to/for others. But also insufficient active conscious awareness of my thoughts, feelings, intentions, approach, and actions. Because who any person is, while there is an inner chocolate center, also has a colorful candy coating.
What that means is I’ve been too focused on being who/what/where/how I believe others need me to be and less focused on knowing who I am. Recognizing this, I can see that I’ve been blocking myself from living my best, fullest, most authentic life.
I’d like to get myself back on track
One reason I went back into therapy again was to get answers. What is blocking me? Why am I feeling like I’m self-sabotaging and in my own way again? How do I break through this?
My therapist has helped me see that a lot of this relates to long-held but false beliefs from my childhood. Because I am so very curious and adore learning, I ask the same question over and over: Why? Why this, that, or the other thing? Trouble is, asking why can create a loop that takes you down endless rabbit holes and distracts you from what you truly seek.
That means I ask the wrong questions. And sometimes miss the answers that are right in front of me. Oh, hi. Isn’t that quaint? You’re so bloody obvious; how did I miss you?
The challenge of active conscious awareness is the application of mindfulness. And in a world of mass distraction, between smartphones, social media, and other things, it’s easy not to be mindful.
It is also equally easy to get back to it. Pause, breathe deeply, and ask questions that can be only answered in the present, like:
- What am I thinking?
- What am I feeling?
- How am I feeling?
- What’s my intention here?
- Is my approach positive/negative or unconsidered?
- What am I doing?
These questions, being products of the here and now alone, make you consciously aware. With that, it’s less difficult and challenging to learn who you genuinely are.
This does not, however, make it easier to do.
Asking myself the tough questions
I can identify that I lost track of myself via conscious awareness. That’s the start. I recognize it. This is my acknowledgment of it. Next up? Doing something about it.
I have homework from my therapist as such. I’m to apply adjectives to describe to myself who I am. One word. Brainstorm, run through it all (and reject none of it, good or bad).
Part of my problem is that I have a deep-seated need to be accepted by others. Validated. One of my biggest fears is rejection/abandonment. Hmmm, wonder where that came from? (insert jazz hands here to indicate sarcasm).
Before I begin, however, I’m recognizing and acknowledging that I’ve lost track of myself. There is no why here (and if there is, the why doesn’t matter). What matters is being present, here and now, looking into my thoughts, feelings, intentions, approach, and actions, and relearning who I am.
Knowing my “who” lets me work on what, where, how, and even why I am. Ergo, finding myself opens me to working through the blocks I’ve noticed in my mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical health, wellness, and wellbeing.
I know, deep down, that this path is where I am meant to tread. Maybe I’ve lost track of myself, but that’s not unusual. It’s part of being human. And I get to choose to find the answers so I can better be the ultimate me I desire to be. I know that I’m worthy and deserving of that. And in case you didn’t know, you are worthy and deserving of living your best, most authentic life, too.
Thanks for coming along on this path I walk. So, allow me to ask you this:
Have you ever lost track of yourself and worked to regain knowing who you are?
This is the seventh-hundred-sixtieth (760) exploration of my Pathwalking philosophy. These weekly essays are my ideas for – and experiences with – applying mindfulness and positivity to walk along a chosen path of life to consciously create reality.
I share my philosophy because I desire to make a difference in the world and help as many people as I can to find their empowerment with conscious reality creation.
Thank you for joining me. Feel free to share and/or repost where it might do good for you and others.
The first year of Pathwalking, including some expanded ideas, is available here.
Also, please check out my author website for the rest of my published fiction and nonfiction works.
Follow me here!
