Does It Matter What They Think of Me?
Short answer: No. Long answer: Read on!
I’ve spent most of my life caring most about what other people think of me. What kind of impression do I make? Do they think ill or good of me? Am I a good person worth your time and attention, or a bad person to be shunned? Do I deserve love, attention, and affection, or should I be scorned, ignored, and distanced?
This has driven my life since childhood. The incessant need to be validated, to be accepted, to be part of the group. All of this has impacted every choice of career, residence, and more.
The same questions have come up time and again for me. Will this make me part of the tribe? Am I worth being your friend? Do I fit in? Like a never-ending siren, over and over again, I allow what I think they think of me to drive my life.
Consciously, I’ve been working for the past couple of decades to overcome this. Yet, subconsciously, the need remains. Because of this, because I seek acceptance and validation of my existence so deeply, I self-sabotage.
Rather than shine my brightest, be my most authentic, true, genuine self, I edit. I lessen myself to fit the mold I believe, in my heart of hearts, that they want me to fit.
The thing is, in truth, I both don’t and can’t know what they think of me. Why? Because I’m not in their head, heart, or soul. I’m only in my own mind, body, and spirit.
Hence, does it matter what they think of me? No. And yet, I keep caring deeply about this.
Do I think about them when they aren’t with me?
Right there, I have evidence why it doesn’t matter what they think of me. Do I think about them when they aren’t with me? Mostly, no.
I say mostly because I might be with others who bring that person up. Before I know it, we’re talking about, gossiping about, and discussing that person. Yet, not long after we’re done, I stop thinking about them.
This isn’t cruel, unkind, or mean-spirited. It’s just the course of life, the universe, and everything. Let’s say you know a dozen people well. Chances are, you give them little to no thought unless someone else brings them up, you’re with them, they call/text/email you, or otherwise are brought to your attention.
If the human brain processes tens of thousands of thoughts per day, is it any wonder that you might give none to any of the dozen people you know well? Even if you only know 2 or 3 people well, you likely don’t passively give them much thought, either.
Because of this truth – that I don’t think all that much about the people in my life regularly – it follows that they think about me infrequently. And that’s a big part of why it doesn’t matter what they think of me.
What they think of me isn’t what I think of me
One of the most profound questions anyone can ask is “Who am I?” As my therapist pointed out to me, that’s a layered answer with a great deal of depth and complexity.
On the surface, who I am covers my work, my physical being, my location, and other similar identifiers. Dig even a little deeper, and now I get into my core beliefs, values, and habits. Who I am is tied to my thoughts, feelings, intentions, positive or negative approach, and actions.
This can get complicated by ego, pretending to be someone you think other people want you to be, and conscious and subconscious actions that drive life. Hence, “Who am I?” is so incredibly deep, layered, and complex.
But, at the same time, it’s not hard to get at. So I can sit down, write out who I am layer by layer, and answer the question. That answer, however, is mine and mine alone. Why? Because only I am in my mind, body, and spirit.
Does it matter what they think of me? No. Because I cannot control what anyone else thinks of me. I can’t make you think I’m amazing, I’m an asshole, I’m brilliant, I’m foolish, or anything else. That’s because you, and only you, are in your head, heart, and soul. Ergo, you alone know your thoughts, feelings, intentions, approach, and actions. Thus, your feelings toward me or anyone else.
I can and do choose to be kind, compassionate, and empathetic. But I can’t choose how you perceive that. So, you might perceive what I consider kindness to be condescension. What I consider compassion, you might see as insensitivity. My empathy you might perceive as nosiness.
These are all reasons why it doesn’t matter what they think of me. But there’s more.
What I think of myself isn’t what makes me, me
I have spent a lot of my time trying to understand the why. Why this, why that, why the other thing? I’ve asked why I have energetic blockages on every level of my being ad infinitum. Questing to understand the many whys has driven a lot of my life.
I’ve tied a great deal of my life experience to caring about what they think of me. They have been my family, friends, lovers, coworkers, homeless people I give food to, and almost everyone I come in contact with. I’ve needed to feel wanted, to belong, to be validated so much that I’ve altered myself to make the right impression so that they think well of me.
But since I can’t make anyone think or feel anything they do not choose for themselves, it doesn’t matter what they think of me. Accepting this, utilizing it to stop putting so much energy into being less than my truest, most authentic self, is where I am now.
I’ve guarded myself as I have to prevent my baser instincts from being who I am. What do I mean? I know I have some narcissistic tendencies (which is why narcissism gets me so upset). Also, I know I can be condescending, arrogant, self-aggrandizing, and indifferent, which explains why when I see this in others, it upsets me as it does. So, I employ extra care and caution, but sometimes go too far and deny my truest, most genuine, and authentic self in the process.
What matters more than what they think of me is what I think of me. Knowing what I do, I can, do, and will continue making choices and decisions to help those I can as I strive to be my most authentic self.
How do I shift myself from this outward focus?
Here is what I’m doing to shift my consideration away from caring so much about what they think of me and how I allow that to dictate my actions.
First, I’m pausing to recognize when, where, and how I do this. Am I doing “X” because I desire it, or because of how I think it makes them think of me? Is this true to and for me?
After that, I acknowledge what I’ve found. Yes, I’m doing “X” to make them think of me a certain way, and that means I’m being less than – OR – No, I’m doing “X” because that’s what resonates with my desires.
If it’s the former, I’m now empowered to change it. That means active, conscious awareness by applying mindfulness to examine my thoughts, feelings, intentions, positivity or negativity of approach, and actions. Then, from there, to act.
Recognize. Acknowledge. Act. These steps are how I can make new choices and decisions, here and now, to change myself and be my truest, most genuine, most authentic self.
Because when I’m true to myself, shining my brightest, being my most authentic, I can overcome whatever is blocking me mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and/or physically. I can write down all the layers of “Who I am” and be myself. My real self. Warts and all.
That’s why it doesn’t matter what they think of me. Because they are not me, just as I am not them. Moving past this, even just starting to do so, has made me feel exponentially lighter, more centered, and content.
Do you ever care too much about what they think of you?
This is the seventh-hundred-fifty-ninth (759) exploration of my Pathwalking philosophy. These weekly essays are my ideas for – and experiences with – applying mindfulness and positivity to walk along a chosen path of life to consciously create reality.
I share my philosophy because I desire to make a difference in the world and help as many people as I can to find their empowerment with conscious reality creation.
Thank you for joining me. Feel free to share and/or repost where it might do good for you and others.
The first year of Pathwalking, including some expanded ideas, is available here.
Also, please check out my author website for the rest of my published fiction and nonfiction works.
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