Why am I Struggling?
I’m tired of struggling with this feeling.
Deep in the pit of my heart there is this ever-present sense of dread. It is utterly and completely fear-based, and no matter how often I address it in meditation, I can’t completely shake it.
Why am I so fearful of this? What is it that I am afraid of?
This is the question I have been asking myself as I have entered into my daily meditation for the last few days. What is this feeling I am struggling with?
Consciousness creates reality. Thought, combined with feeling and then intentional action can manifest almost anything we can imagine. As such, we can create nearly anything we set our energy to creating.
One of the keys to this process is to maintain a higher frequency. Like attracts like, and as such high frequencies draw high frequencies to us. High frequencies are positive, low frequencies negative. Feeling good empowers conscious reality creation.
Yes I am aware that I repeat this a lot. Why? Because it is of immense importance. The feeling I am struggling with is low-frequency, and it is made up of doubt, disbelief, feelings of lack, and fear of unworthiness and undeserving.
Logically, I know that this is how it works. I also know logic and reason are not sufficient, but I need to also bring feeling into it. Feeling like I am struggling is not, as such, conducive to this practice.
Why is this sensation so prominent, and why am I having so much difficulty in shaking it?
This is going to be a work in progress, but I think if I break it down here, I can stop struggling and really change this negative feeling that feels rooted as deeply as it does.
Why am I struggling with this?
Where does this negative sense come from? I think it is rooted pretty deeply inside my psyche. It is most likely the result of a lot of my past impressions of myself, and they have sort of gathered at this one point.
There’s a very real possibility that this is manifesting in this way because all of these tiny negative feelings, alone, are not terribly powerful. Together, in a bundle, they are stronger, and in many respects are making something of a “last stand” against me.
What does that mean? Over the past few months in particular I have tightened my focus, and really begun to make some serious mental shifts in my consciousness. My focus has changed as I am striving to better control my thought, feeling and action.
Old habits die hard. I have previously written about changing my inner-dialogue, and doing a better job with my self-talk. Removing negative ideas about the self and changing – I don’t have enough money; I am old; My joints are sore and stiff; I’m fat; I am broken; I don’t know how that can be done to I feel money flowing to me; I’m feeling young; I feel that my joints are flexible and strong; I feel in shape; I’m feeling solid; I feel that a way will be found – is not easy. Why? Because the former has deep, deep roots.
I am struggling with becoming who I desire to be and who I am now, which is based on how I thought, felt and acted to get here in the first place. In many respects, this is not too dissimilar to the idea of deprogramming someone who has been brainwashed.
Struggling with identity
Who I am was programmed into my psyche over the course of four decades. Unlike a computer drive, it’s virtually impossible to wipe the psyche clean and start over anew. In many respects, this is also akin to switching operating systems. The old was Windows, the new is either Linux or Mac. The change I am working on in my inner-dialogue is that drastic, when you get down to it.
This feeling in the pit of my heart is the comfort I have long taken in the things I don’t actually desire to continue. Change is scary, even when you desire it. So these individually small negative feelings, when grouped together, form a powerful block to be managed.
If I give in, and allow this feeling to overwhelm me, I will not gain the change I desire in my life. While on the whole that’s not so terrible, to become who I truly wish to be, to continue to walk my own paths, I have to face and change these impressions.
There is a lot of old data and beliefs to be overcome and shifted here. I have all the tools I need to do this, but it all comes down to desire. Change does not come easily, but who I am is not entirely who I want to be, so change is desired.
Being more in the now
I may be tired of struggling with this feeling, but that does not mean I am giving up the fight. Focusing more on being in the here-and-now does a lot for quieting this negative sense. Why? Because in the here-and-now, when I am as present as I can be, no past and no future infect my psyche. There is just this present moment, and in this present moment I AM.
Keeping that in mind is empowering. Empowering the self is why I am Pathwalking, and striving to control my thoughts, feelings and actions in order to consciously create a reality that is joyful and exciting.
This is worthwhile. I believe I am worthy and deserving of the outcome. If, like me, you find yourself struggling with your own psyche, know that you are not alone, and that manifesting a better life empowers you and those around you, too.
What are you struggling with presently?
This is the three-hundred thirty-fourth entry in my series. These weekly posts are ideas for, and my personal experiences with, walking along the path of life. I share this journey as part of my desire to make a difference in this world along the way.
Thank you for joining me. Feel free to re-blog and share.
The first year of Pathwalking, including some expanded ideas, is available here.
After more than 6 years of Pathwalking, I have launched a Patreon to garner support for these works, and more.
