Why is How I See Myself Important
How I see myself is of far more importance than how other people see me.
Jen Sincero said it well in You Are a Badass – Self Perception is a Zoo. It is a bunch of very different, multiple, diverse animals we keep caged up, but let run free in the world from time to time.
There are at least five ways in which I see myself in this world. Different identities that I tend to show the world.
The first is who I am amongst friends and family. There are things I do and say and ways I act when I am with these particular people, and it is probably here I am at my most true self.
The second is who I am when I blog. This is a look inside my mind. My philosophies, thoughts on how the Universe works, ideas for Conscious Reality Creation. It is probably here that I am at my most extroverted-introverted self.
How the hell does that work? I am taking my in-depth thoughts and putting them out to the world. This is some pretty major introversion, because I sit more-or-less alone at my keyboard (more or less because sometimes this work draws a cat) thinking and tapping these thoughts out. Then, rather than keep them to myself, in an act of extroversion I put them out here for the whole bloody world to read.
The third way I see myself is who I am as a fiction writer. There are characters, worlds, stories, technologies and magics in my head I have to share. Whether it is fantasy like The Source Chronicles or Steampunk like The Vapor Rogues, or a fictionalized retelling of a trip to Sedona, this is another extroverted introverted variation. This is why I like the phrase ambivert for myself.
Do I see myself how you see me?
The fourth and fifth ways I see myself are the most public. Both are more a matter of extroversion on myself.
Years ago a Myers-Briggs test tagged me as an extrovert. This surprised me a lot. I’m a writer. We writers tend towards introversion. Or so They tell me. I disbelieve this, when all is said and done, and then look to the likes of Neil Gaiman, Jen Sincero and Paulo Coelho. None of them are terribly introverted.
The fourth way I see myself is who I am at work. While I am not all that different from who I am among friends and family, I am somewhat more reserved. These are the people I associate with professionally, so there are certain aspects of myself I keep in check. It’s a bit more about guarding my tongue and maintaining my self-perception of a professional air.
The fifth way I see myself is who I am in the Society for Creative Anachronism (SCA). In the SCA, I am Malcolm Bowman, a late 16th century Englishman. I am a fencer, a voice herald, and hold a couple very public offices in the East Kingdom. I have been playing this game for over twenty six years, and made friends all around the world.
When I am Malcolm I am my most extroverted self. For the last six months, I have been running Court, so everyone has heard and seen me at events up and down the Northeast of the United States. When not doing that, I am in the field fencing.
In the past, there was a divide between my first and fifth ways in which I see myself. Part of that was battling the introvert vs the extrovert. Part was the mask I would put on for others.
How I see myself matters more than how you see me.
It took me a VERY long time to understand how important that above statement is. For a good part of my life I was far, far more concerned with how others saw me. It was of utmost importance that I gain acceptance and recognition among people, be it family, friends, coworkers, SCAdians, and even random strangers. I had a need to be noticed, and not to be rejected.
Why? Fear of course. Beneath almost all my fears at the very root of my existence I held onto a major fear of abandonment. Fail, succeed, do nothing, I would risk being abandoned by everyone. For much of my life this was probably the thing that most stymied my ambition or my ability to use consciousness to create reality and manifest the life I most desire to have.
Because of this, I developed something of an identity crisis. I put on so many different masks that I lost sense of how I would see myself. As you can imagine, this didn’t help me advance much with my life goals.
When I began weekly blogging with Pathwalking, I started to really hone my truest self. The reason I added in these Crossing the Bridge posts was to take these five different worlds I live in (there are probably more than that, but these are the primary ones) and bridge gaps between them. When all is said and done, there is only one me.
When all is said and done, how do I see myself?
I see myself as a writer, editor, SCAdian, friend, lover, and overall good person. As my Mantra of Mightiness I wrote about in this week’s Pathwalking states, I am abundant and prosperous. I am a good person, worthy and deserving of abundance, prosperity, success, wealth and joy. Succeed or fail, I am supported and I am loved.
When I recognize myself most clearly, I can better put myself into the world, and do all the incredible things I intend to do. It is an ongoing, ever-changing trip, but thanks for partaking of it with me.
As always, thank you for crossing the bridges between my worlds with me.
This is the eightieth entry of my personal journey, the Crossing the Bridges series. My collectively published writing can be found here.
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