What If You say “F*@k It” and Release Something You’re Holding In?

Sometimes release is necessary to clear your mind, heart, and soul.

I have a lot of things going on in my head right now that are negatively impacting my life. They are making me feel small, disempowered, irked, flustered, and other sometimes conflicting adjectives I could apply.

I strive to act regularly so that I don’t wind up holding back and holding things in. I learned a long time ago that holding stuff in leads to a lot of different unpleasantness. That makes me cranky, irritable, introspective, and negative.

For someone who seeks to be optimistic – and generally is – I have a wide pessimistic streak. I used to refer to myself as a cynical optimist (though really, it’s more skepticism than cynicism). It’s my desire to be optimistic – but I also see that the reality of the situation at hand sometimes makes that challenging.

I’ve used journaling, meditation, and other distractions to release things I hold in. That can be extremely helpful and positive.

But sometimes that’s not enough. Why? I think maybe because it feels like I am still partially holding it too close to myself. Sure, it gets out of my head – but did I really release it?

Maybe I need to find a new therapist? That’s possible. It’s been years since I was in therapy – and it always did me good.

I could talk to friends – but presently, all of them have a lot of shit going on in their own lives. Certainly, some would be willing to listen to me. Perhaps – but I presently don’t feel right about that.

So maybe I need to just put it out here in public.

F*@k it – Brain-dump incoming

Some of you reading this might see yourself in the following vague matters currently occupying my brain. That may – or may not – be true. But I am NOT blaming anyone for how I feel.

Let’s face it – feelings that we have are valid for us. And even when nobody did anything intent on hurting us – feeling hurt still happens. It is NOT invalid to feel how we feel.

BUT – we get to choose how long to feel that way. We have the power to change our feelings. And that is one of the best reasons to release something you’re holding in.

That written, here I go.

A certain member of my family I feel is always disappointed in me. No matter what I do – I am still not living up to my potential or meeting expectations. They offer soft support – but when it comes to, say, buying my books as soon as I publish them – it’s not automatic. And they don’t choose to hear me when I tell them what they don’t like to hear.

Someone I care deeply about, who is going through a ton of shit in their life – that I was super-close to for a while – has placed me out of their closest circle. I knew our relationship changed for numerous reasons – but I still care deeply. And I didn’t realize how far out I’d been shifted. And this realization hurt.

Another member of my family I simply don’t trust. They feel I did them wrong, I feel they did me wrong -and I expect them to do so again.

A friend I was super-close to faded away. They began to come back into my life – but they still feel distant. I have trust issues as such.

Digging deeper to release

All these matters, as far as I am concerned, are external. And that’s because all of them involve other people. Thus, elements of them are utterly, completely, and totally out of my control.

Part of why they impact me how they do is because of inner turmoil.

For example – I have chosen most of my life not to take the conventional paths. One form of the arts or other, including singing, acting, directing, and writing. The above-mentioned family member – though sometimes encouraging – has also made it clear that my lack of “acceptable” income-earning career choices disappoints them.

And that has caused me to second-guess many choices. Also, it has generated brain-weasels that chitter often and cause self-doubt.

Due to childhood fears of abandonment – I still fear abandonment. Less than I used to – but I still hold a deep-rooted sense that I am never good enough for anyone – so eventually they’ll leave.

Of course, realistically, I recognize that change is the only constant in the whole Universe. Thus, friendships come and go, people, places, and things shift – that’s life. It might feel like abandonment sometimes – but it’s not. Change just is.

Thus, I’ve been feeling needy, worthless, disconnected, flustered, and otherwise uncertain about multiple elements of my life.

Of course, I am also content with my jobs, love being able to write and edit my work, and am taking steps to create more opportunities to expand these things. I am deeply grateful that I have the opportunity and ability to live my life how I do.

Releasing what is pent up in my head, heart, and soul in this manner feels a bit like complaining – but I’m not. I’m acknowledging and stating what and how I feel. The purpose is to share and release it.

I am sharing this because I’m pretty certain that I am not alone.

Everyone goes through shit from time to time. It might not look like my stuff – but that doesn’t mean it’s no less valid or impacting on your life experience.

You might have similar issues going on. Or vastly different matters gnawing away at your head, heart, and soul. Whatever the case might be – I am saying – F*@K IT – to release what I have been holding in. And I am choosing to do so in this public forum for three reasons.

This feels like more of a release than journaling or meditating on the issue
I want to show people that they are not alone
I believe normalizing sharing these sorts of thoughts and feelings is good for our collective mental health

No, I won’t deny that this isn’t somewhat self-indulgent. But you know what? Everyone has instances of this nature with shit they’re dealing with. And when attempting to live with more joy and find positivity in my life – I acknowledge sometimes it comes with many challenges from both within and without.

You know what? It feels good to say f*@k it and release some internal struggles into the wild. Thank you for indulging me today.

Choosing to release inner turmoil isn’t hard

It begins by saying “f*@k it”- then working with mindfulness of your thoughts, feelings, actions, and intentions.

Everyone experiences inner turmoil they need to release from time to time. Choosing to not hold it in and let it out – vaguely and publicly or privately to a therapist or confidant – can be quite freeing. And that is tremendously positive because it helps you to not become derailed by those thoughts and feelings.

When we choose to release negativity, we open ourselves to being freer and less burdened. That allows us to better use mindfulness to balance our life experiences. Ultimately, this can empower me and it can empower you.

Taking an approach to positivity and negativity – from the vast space that exists between them – I believe shifts the concept in a way to open more dialogue. In that form, we can explore and share where we are between those extremes and how that might impact us in the here and now.

Finally, I believe the better aware we are of ourselves in the now, the more we can do to choose and decide how our life experience will be. If that empowers us, it might open those around us to their own empowerment. And that is, to me, a worthwhile endeavor to explore and share.

Thank you for coming along on this ride with me.

This is the four hundred and twentieth entry of my Positivity series. It is my hope these weekly messages might help spread positive energies for everyone. Feel free to share, re-blog, and spread the positivity.

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