Why Am I Afraid to Succeed?
How does the question “what if I succeed?” evoke subconscious fear?
This question has been plaguing my path for a long time.
Every time I work on a path I desire to follow – something happens that causes me to abandon it, stop giving it my full attention, and/or self-sabotage. This is, of course, not conducive to success.
Why? Why do I always do this? How come I am constantly getting in my own way? What causes me to get oh-so-close to success and then lose all momentum?
Fear. The answer is fear.
Fear of success? Most definitely.
Why would I fear success? Because with success comes change. And change is full to overflowing of uncertainty. It’s the unknown.
If I manage to succeed things will change. And somewhere, deep inside my psyche, I fear success.
For a long time, I lived my life in indecision. Frequently, I made no choices, hmmed and hawed about this, that, or the other thing. I didn’t commit to anything – jobs, relationships, homes – take your pick. For years, my theme song was U2’s I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For.
I spent all my 20s and more than half of my 30s in this state. The grass was always greener, there was a better place to live, a more fitting job, a more meaningful relationship – nothing was settled in my life.
Why? Fear. Fear of missing out, fear of fucking it all up, fear of failure. Ultimately, fear of abandonment was borne of childhood emotional detachment after my parents’ divorce.
For a decade now, I have shifted my life to a much more decisive and stable approach. I don’t settle – I actively seek and find.
Yet I remain just at the cusp of success in my career. Nearly but not-quite-there.
Maybe examining this more closely will help find some answers.
What does nearly but not-quite-there look like?
Over the past 10 years, multiple aspects of my life came together. I finally committed to a relationship, a place to call home, being truer to myself, and real pursuit of writing as my career.
Yet it’s my finances and my career where I continue to be unable to succeed. I get nearly – but not-quite there.
What does that mean? Let me elaborate:
In 2019, I began to write blogs for Medium daily. Recently, another writer on Medium postulated that someone with the number of back-catalog articles – such as I have – should be earning a minimum of $100 a month from Medium.
Nearly there – but not quite. I have gained more than 1000 followers on Medium – but that still doesn’t add up to sufficient reads to earn me $100 a month or better. And the recent article that had an impact? I can’t figure out what makes it stand out from all the rest.
In 2020, at the height of the pandemic, I decided I needed a broader writing focus and a deeper catalog of published books. I self-published 3 novels in 2020, and 4 novels so far in 2021, with 2 more on the way.
My whole catalog of published sci-fi, fantasy, and Steampunk novels is presently 10 novels plus 2 anthologies. I have 3 titles also offered as audiobooks.
If I sold 10 copies for Kindle of each title per month, I’d make somewhere between $1500 and $2500 (depending on the percent I earn per book). If any one title sold 100 copies in a month, that would net the same. That’s a rather decent monthly salary.
Most months I am seeing less than $50.
Doesn’t that make this an issue with outside responses – and thus, outside of my control? Not entirely.
Outside response and inner beliefs combine
While I know that I cannot force anyone to buy my books – and I am at the whim of readers and their interest – I also know that my attitude and approach have an impact, too.
Consciousness creates reality. It doesn’t matter if you believe in the Law of Attraction and that like attracts like or not – that’s how it works.
Ergo, somewhere deep inside, subconsciously, I am not believing that I should succeed. Something is holding me back, which is why I am nearly but not-quite-there.
Am I doing the work? Yes. Am I giving it my all? I believe so. Do I believe I am worthy of success? Not entirely.
Why? Because deep down – I am afraid when it comes to success. Hence, why I can get super close – yet remain nearly but not-quite-there.
Ergo, somewhere deep in my psyche, I’m afraid to succeed.
What am I afraid of? Leaving what I have behind. My nearly but not-quite-there comfort zone. Change, uncertainty, and loss.
I know that consciousness creates reality. That’s why I keep writing about it. I’ve made it work for me. But I’ve also used it to self-sabotage, too.
So – why the hell am I so afraid to succeed? It’s time to lay it out and see it for what it is – and isn’t.
The worst-case scenario if I succeed
What’s the worst that could happen if I succeed?
I think it probably looks like this:
- Friends will be driven away
- I will become an egotistical asshole
- My wife will resent me
- I’ll lose control and spend all my earnings on frivolous stuff
- Life will change and I will get lost inside of that
- My family will get (more) upset with me
- I will be abandoned, left in the cold, and lose everyone I care about because I do something idiotic
- My sense of self will be lost in my success
- Success will be fleeting and unsustainable
- Something else I cannot at all predict will make life miserable
Fear can be powerful. But here’s the thing I need to look at: None of the above is permanent. It’s not death. All of it is changeable again. And, what’s more, many of the things I fear might come to pass are utterly, completely, and totally in my control.
Who I am, how I behave, what I do as a result of success are mine to control. So long as I remain mindful and keep working with all that I have been – if and when I slip – I can reclaim my center.
Change is inevitable. That’s how the Universe works. It’s the only constant in the universe. Along with change comes uncertainty.
Logically, I know all this. Emotionally, however, my subconscious is afraid of leaving this nearly-but-not-quite-there comfort zone.
So – let’s flip it around.
The best-case scenario if I succeed
What’s the best that could happen if I succeed?
- I gain new friends
- Connections are made with other authors I would love to get to know personally
- I earn enough money to zero out my credit cards and pay off the cars
- Investments are made so my wife can retire when she chooses
- I respect myself more by proving I can do it
- Other doors are open to places I desire to go. Speaking gigs, teaching gigs, and more
- My sense of self is strengthened by my success and I doubt myself less
- I gain new insight into better mindfulness practices
- New people are inspired, positively influenced, and empowered by my work
- Life will change and even more possibilities and potential will be found
- Something else I cannot predict will make life even more amazing
Is that scary? Yes, actually. Why? Because it’s the unknown. It’s a place outside of my current comfort zone that I both deeply desire to be – yet fear due to uncertainty.
Worst-case or best-case scenario – my comfort zone must be left behind. I need to take steps away from what I know and what is certain into the unknown and uncertain.
If I don’t succeed – I’m still here. There are options and new ideas to be found, tried, and tested to get where I desire to go.
If I do succeed – I’m still here. There are options and new ideas to be found, tried, and tested to get where I desire to go.
How do I overcome the fear?
The answer is mindfulness.
I need to work to be more mindful. That means I must spend more time being consciously aware – here and now – of my thoughts, feelings, actions, and intentions.
It is also in my best interest to keep my worst and best-case scenarios of success handy. That way, I can look at them from a mindful perspective and address them directly.
This cannot be overcome passively. That won’t work, because most of the fears are rooted so deeply that I only recognize them for what they are when I analyze them as I have here. Thus, I must keep that analysis close at hand and use mindfulness to work with and through it.
This is not hard to do. I just need to ask questions of myself such as,
- What am I thinking?
- How am I feeling?
- What am I feeling?
- What am I doing and what’s my intent?
These and similar questions – asked aloud – make me mindful in the present moment of my inner self. They put me in touch with my conscious mind – my mindset/headspace/psyche self. That, then, allows me to check my ego as I connect to my subconscious. Touching my subconscious informs me of my values, beliefs, and habits.
My fear of success is in those subconscious roots. Mindfulness, thus, is how I address and change this.
When I mindfully ask myself – Why am I afraid to succeed? – I have the answers. Mindfulness of that is how I can overcome the fear and get myself where I most desire to be.
Thanks for reading. I hope sharing this helps you overcome any fears you are facing of this same nature.
Do you have fears of success?
This is the five-hundred and ninth exploration of my Pathwalking philosophy. These weekly essays are ideas for – and my personal experiences with – mindfulness and walking along a chosen path of life to consciously create reality.
I share this journey as part of my desire to make a difference in this world along the way. Additionally, I desire to empower myself and my readers with conscious reality creation.
Thank you for joining me. Feel free to re-blog and share this.
The first year of Pathwalking, including expanded ideas, is available here. My additional writing, both fiction and non-fiction, are available here.
Please take a moment to subscribe to my mailing list. Fill in the info and click the sign-up button to the right and receive your free eBook. Thank you!
Follow me here!
