Who Controls My Emotions?
Controlling emotions is particularly challenging.
In order to manifest anything, you need to think, feel and act upon it. Thought is only the beginning. Without emotion behind it, you will remain where you are now.
All this week I have been focused on the same notion. Positivity examined the power of words, and why want, a statement of lack, should be replaced by desire, a statement of abundance. In Pathwalking I explored how to go about changing feelings. Altering my mantras to put action to words, and activate an emotional response.
The concept is simple enough. Feel good, raise your vibration, and you can draw more high-vibrational things, people and events to you. Working to feel good should allow me to, hmmm, feel good, maybe?
So why can’t I get out of my own way? How come I am finding it so very challenging to feel good?
As I write this, I am seeing that my life is pretty great. I have an amazing wife, incredible friends, a job I enjoy, and my writing. There is the SCA, fencing and heraldry, and weekend escapes. My cats are aloof, but adorable. Life is awesome.
How come, deep, deep in my core I am feeling dis-ease? There is trepidation, and worry, and this underlying current of meh. Sure, I’m certain I could use more sleep, and even less time on social media. But I don’t actively feel bad, I just have this sense of being…off, I guess.
It’s right there, I can almost touch it. So why is it I am having such a difficult time changing it?
Emotions have often challenged me
Years ago, the emotions I best felt were anger, jealousy, sadness, and loneliness. Yup, all negatives. But these were the emotions I had the best connection to, and I could more easily call them up.
In my thirties I discovered how to feel more good emotions. Love, contentment, togetherness and empathy started to come more easily. Positive emotions. Over the next decade or so I began to put more focus onto these, and strived to invoke them regularly.
There is, of course, an elephant in the room here. I suffer from depression. Part of why I have been in and out of therapy for years was to cope with this. I’ve been on a couple anti-depressants, which has helped me to be more centered and focused.
There is no shame in coping with depression. I know a lot of you are working with it as well. The black dog laps at our souls to shadow them with darkness, but we are stronger.
Doesn’t always feel like that, does it? Still, I truly believe that I am. I refuse to be a victim, nobody and nothing else gets the blame for this, and one of the reasons for this blog is to deal with my depression.
Depression is a liar. It tells you that you are worthless, undeserving and un-supported. This is a lie. But it sometimes feels very hard to resist.
I suspect that this is part of why I am feeling this deep-down worry, this disquiet.
Maybe in identifying it, I can better combat it. These emotions don’t entirely feel as though they belong to me, anyhow. Perhaps that is because they are the product of depression, and as such an aspect of my self-doubts.
Do I control my emotions, or let them control me?
Simple question, no easy answers. My new mantras invoke feelings in order to gain control of my emotions. I feel money flowing to me; I’m feeling young; I feel that my joints are flexible and strong; I feel in shape; I’m feeling solid; I feel that a way will be found.
Even my Mantra of Mightiness has been altered. I feel prosperous and abundant; I am a good person; I’m feeling worthy and I feel deserving of abundance, prosperity, success, wealth and joy; I feel supported and I feel loved.
Similar to the power of I AM, I FEEL is an incredible manifestation device. Consciousness creates reality. When I say I FEEL, that is empowering emotions. Ergo, if I focus on negative feelings, and say I am feeling a negative emotion, no surprise, I feel bad. Or down, or low, or sad, or depressed.
Focus. Concentrate. Take hold of the emotions. I am in control here. The voices of doubt and lack and fear in the back of my head are on notice. You’re done driving this meat popsicle, I am taking control now.
I can feel this. This is entirely within my control. It is entirely up to me to breathe, to recognize that the fear is not who I am, but who I was, and that this is my show to run.
Writing all this out feels good. It is empowering. Yeah, I can do this.
As always, thank you for crossing the bridges between my worlds with me.
This is the eighty-fourth entry of my personal journey, the Crossing the Bridges series. My collectively published writing can be found here.
Enjoying this blog? Please consider becoming a patron through my Patreon.
