You Can’t Do Anything For Them
A harsh reality and an open door at the same time.
Once upon a time, not so long ago, there was such a thing as political discourse in the United States. While there have long been two dominant parties, they still offered up individuals who ranged within their sides.
Over the past few decades, they’ve become way more partisan and contentious. What’s more, people who should have zero place in the mix are elected officials (despite utter cluelessness regarding process, procedure, the Constitution, and the oh-so-important governing part). They’ve gotten behind all sorts of ludicrous policy ideas that help a teeny, tiny few – i.e. their donors and corporate overlords – and moved further and further from actual governing and getting anything truly useful done. Trickle-down economics is a great example of this bullshit.
There is a place that trickle-down worked that’s not economics. People who normally only get involved enough to vote now position themselves into a seemingly deeper role. They dig in deep and are immovable in their position (even when it’s utterly against reality). I’m looking at you, Cult of Trump.
Before this turns into a whole political thing, there is a far deeper lesson to be learned from this. Because while politics is a very obvious place to see people entrenched in something from which they live in echo chambers (and don’t see them for their many flaws), this is true of overall human nature. Confirmation bias is tied directly to our individual perception of reality.
Different boats, same ocean
There are common places in “reality” we all agree on. The sky, the earth, water being wet, fire being hot, ice being cold, and so on. From there, however, variations begin to appear. Too hot to me might be perfect for you. Loud enough for you might be too loud for me. That smell I love you might loathe. Same reality, same general perception of it, but different impression.
From there it gets really fuzzy. As soon as you dial into your world, and the people, places, and things within it, reality becomes way more unique and individualized.
Einstein explains this quite well with,
“Reality is merely an illusion albeit a very persistent one.”
Some, however, take that illusion to the point where they live in a reality that’s counter to fact. They believe concepts that are demonstrably untrue. They take the illusion aspect of reality off the rails and somehow take a channel to a different ocean.
More specifically, I think they’ve found an island in the ocean of reality. And storms real and imagined have driven them to this.
While I’ve stuck to the political element to explore this, it’s not just politics where this happens. In everyday life, people will position themselves in reality in a place that you or I see as not real.
For example, the abused who stay with abusers because they think they can help them or believe love means abuse. Workers accepting bad conditions and crap pay because they’re certain they aren’t worth more or better. Families staying together because they’re blood despite horrible toxicity or worse.
No matter how clearly you see the lies and flaws in their perception of reality, you can’t do anything for them.
You can’t do anything for them
I’ve been watching someone I care about remain in an utterly toxic relationship. It’s mentally, emotionally, and spiritually abusive. They make noises about moving on but then don’t. Another quote, which may or may not be from Einstein, is relevant to this:
“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.”
Because I love this person, I hate watching them suffer. Yet I know that I can’t do anything for them.
I can point out what I see, my perspective, how it makes me feel, and how I’m concerned for them. Further, I can give them ideas and suggestions for how to move forward. Odds are, this will piss them off, upset them, and run counter to my intent of helping them. They might even dig in and try to create a resolution with greater force.
I can’t do anything for them. And that makes me sad. I don’t like seeing them suffer. However, if I try to do anything for them, I’ll probably alienate them rather than help them.
Whether it’s a friend, loved one, colleague, or a cultist, you can’t do anything for them. If you’re an empath at all, that’s distressing and unpleasant. I want to help make this world the best it can be for everyone. It galls me that I can’t do anything for them.
However, despite this being a harsh reality, recognizing and acknowledging it opens a door.
Mindfulness and doing for you
When you stop trying to do anything for them, it feels disingenuous. At least, at first. But the truth is, it frees you to open the door and work more on who you can do anything for.
You.
This isn’t selfish. Self-care is healthy. It’s not massages, mani-pedis, or retail therapy, however. Self-care is applied conscious reality to be your most genuine, authentic self.
Mindfulness is the key to this. When you practice active conscious awareness, you can see what you’re thinking, what and how you’re feeling, what your intentions are, if your approach is positive or negative, and what actions you do or don’t take. Mindfulness empowers you to change any aspects of this that aren’t true to you or working for you.
You’re not selfish for taking care of yourself, especially in light of the truth that you can’t do anything for them. You are the only one in your head, heart, and soul. If you don’t do for you, who will? While you can’t do anything for them, they can’t do anything for you, either.
This is one of the darkest, most distressing realities of our quick-fix, instant-gratification, pill-popping society. The focus is turned so far outwards that any inner focus is quickly mislabeled as selfish. The truth is, however, it’s not. Because while they can show you a thing or two, maybe, they can’t do anything for you just like you can’t do anything for them.
It’s good that you can’t do anything for them
The truth is, it’s a good thing that you can’t do anything for them. Why? Because you don’t live in their head, heart, or soul. Further, if you’re anything like me, you have a lot on your plate to live your life as it is. Do you truly want to take on their shit, too?
Admittedly, this can be infuriating. Especially when you see a loved one hurting in a bad situation, a friend being worn down by a horrible job, or an acquaintance voting against their best interests or the freedoms of the people they love. It would be great if they could perceive reality like you do. But they can’t. And you can’t do anything for them.
This, however, frees you to do more for yourself. Take that class, write that story, read that book, join that community orchestra, or whatever. Live your life, because it’s the only one you have, and you deserve to live it.
The meaning of life is to live. That means having experiences, learning things, seeing things, doing things, meeting people, good, bad, and everything in between. You can’t do anything for them as they live their life, but you can do everything for you.
Remember, true selfishness is actions done knowing you will cause pain, hurt, and suffering – but not caring about that. All other acts called selfishness are based on the perception of reality of others. (Also, look how many people out there who call others selfish are themselves utterly selfish. Looking at you, greedy billionaires paying few to no taxes).
Applied mindfulness
Be here, now. Use mindfulness to take stock of your inner self and adjust to suit your needs. You can’t do anything for them. Recognizing and acknowledging this opens the door for you to shift focus on yourself and your life. That lets you be empowered, and that means you get to best choose your own adventure.
You’re worthy and deserving of walking through those doors. Go for it and see what new experiences you can have.
Can you see how it’s good that you can’t do anything for them?
This is the six-hundred-sixty-fifth (665) exploration of my Pathwalking philosophy. These weekly essays are my ideas for – and experiences with – applying mindfulness and positivity to walk along a chosen path of life to consciously create reality.
I share this journey as part of my desire to make a difference in this world and empower as many people as I can with conscious reality creation.
Thank you for joining me. Feel free to re-post and share this.
The first year of Pathwalking, including expanded ideas, is available here. Check out Amazon for my published fiction and nonfiction works.
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