Why Does Getting Over Feeling Hurt Take So Long?
Even unintentional hurt that we are made feel tends to linger.
Someone that I care a great deal about hurt me.
Let me be clear about several facts in this matter. First – I know it was not their intent to cause me hurt. They were in their own odd headspace, and it made them less receptive to the impact their actions had.
Second – Given our history, this should not have come as the surprise that it did. Yet it caught me off guard, and though I half expected it to happen – the hurt I felt was greater and more unpleasant than anticipated.
Third – and most importantly – I am responsible for how I feel. Look, I know they did not intentionally – or with malice of forethought – hurt me. Hell, I half expect they don’t even realize how hurt I feel. But that’s not the point of this. The point is that this is how I feel, and I must be responsible for it.
This can be a really bitter pill to swallow. And there are numerous reasons why. Probably the most important is validity.
My feelings in this are completely and totally valid. That I feel hurt is valid. They did something that hit me emotionally hard and caused me to feel hurt. This is a completely valid feeling.
But how long I hold onto it and let it nag at me and dig its claws into me, is entirely up to me.
This is why I ask the question – why does getting over feeling hurt take so long?
Let’s start with the most important fact of this matter.
Taking control of how we feel is a choice
All kinds of things happen in our lives that make us feel one way or another. Many are sudden and unplanned.
Elation comes from a promotion at work, validation of feelings when your crush reciprocates, winning a contest, finishing a project, and so on.
Likewise, upset comes from losing a job, a relationship ending, the death of a loved one, car accidents, and so on.
Not all feelings are the product of outside influences and happenings. But enough are that we need to consider how they affect us. The impact is just as variable as they themselves are.
In short – shit happens that will cause you to feel strongly. You get excited, enraged, enthralled, apathetic, happy, and hurt by things both great and small. Shit happens and there is an immediate, visceral, almost instinctual reaction.
Sometimes that emotion lasts and lingers – good or bad. Whatever the case may be, for how long we allow it to be there is up to us.
We have control of our feelings.
Doesn’t often feel that way, does it? But via mindfulness, once we are consciously aware – here and now, in the present – of the feelings we are feeling – we can change them.
This is seldom instantaneous. And some feelings are more difficult to release or change than others.
Hurt is one of these.
Hurt and similar negative feelings seem heavy
This hurt that I feel, caused by actions on the part of someone I care a great deal about, is like an incredibly heavy weight. It’s like I have an anvil or heavy cannonball that’s ever-present with all I do and am doing.
This, I believe, is part of why getting over feeling hurt takes so long. Hurt is not a singular emotion – it’s a blend. Hurt involves a combination of sadness, anger, uncertainty, fear, and other similar emotions.
Allow me to break this hurt down into its constituent parts.
- Sadness because someone didn’t care to validate my feelings.
- Anger because it feels like they were selfish.
- Uncertainty because I question if it was something I did to cause it.
- Fear – because what if this happens again and I suffer even more?
- Other similar emotions that come and go and I can’t hold onto them long enough to name. I know how they feel, but not necessarily what they are.
Not everyone feels hurt in the same way that I do. There is no One True Way™. But to my knowledge, hurt is always an amalgam of multiple feelings. That’s why it lingers as it does.
How do we get over this feeling? Time – which is utterly variable from person to person. But less variable and more importantly – mindfulness. Active mindfulness.
Mindfulness gives us insight to take action
Mindfulness is not a buzzword ideal. It’s practical, conscious awareness. Mindfulness is a product of the now, the present, and can give us insight into who, what, where, how, and why we are – right now.
However – it’s not a one-and-done proposition. Just because I was mindful and consciously aware of my thoughts, feelings, actions, and intentions yesterday doesn’t mean I am also consciously aware of them now. Why? Because of change.
The one and only constant in the Universe is change. Like it or not, change happens.
Hence why how we think, feel, act, and intend is never the same from one day to the next. Similar, quite possibly. But the same? Never precisely so.
Taking all that into account, however, it is with mindfulness that we can look at a feeling like hurt and gain insight into the what and how of it. What is the hurt? How did it come about? What feelings is it producing? How are we acting as a result of that?
By practicing active mindfulness, we give ourselves conscious awareness in the here-and-now. That allows us to examine the what and how of our feelings – even hurt.
But just because we have mindfulness of the hurt – that doesn’t make it go away.
Recognize and acknowledge it’s okay to feel hurt
There are any number of messages we receive that tell us feeling hurt makes us weak. That we should get over it already and let it go.
Feeling hurt is utterly natural and does not make anyone at all weak. I repeat – FEELING HURT IS UTTERLY NATURAL AND DOES NOT MAKE ANYONE AT ALL WEAK.
Yes, we need to let go of our hurt feelings. The longer that they hang on and linger, the more harm they can do to us.
Letting go, releasing them, and getting over feeling hurt is a challenge. Just because it seems clear, something might crop up to make it fresh again. Or the brain weasels start chittering away, causing more discomfort.
Whatever the case may be – it is okay to feel hurt. But it’s also equally okay to take action to get over it. Allow whatever time you need. But know that you are not alone in this struggle by any stretch of the imagination.
Why does getting over feeling hurt take so long? Because hurt is a complex blend of thoughts and feelings that we often do not recognize and acknowledge fully before trying to work with them. Mindfulness makes us consciously aware – and practical mindfulness helps us in the process of getting over feeling hurt. But it will take time – and we need to allow it to.
Don’t ask why – recognize and acknowledge and then act to get over the hurt. But know the feeling is perfectly valid – and you are not weak when feeling it. Recognition and acknowledgment empower us to take control and consciously work on getting over it.
When you feel hurt, what do you do to get over that?
This is the five-hundred and fifty-sixth exploration of my Pathwalking philosophy. These weekly essays are my ideas for – and experiences with – using mindfulness and positivity to walk along a chosen path of life to consciously create reality.
I share this journey as part of my desire to make a difference in this world and empower as many people as I can with conscious reality creation.
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