Why Are Intentions and Feelings Frequently Misaligned?
No matter your intentions, you have zero control over anyone’s feelings but your own.
Lots of people approach things with good intentions. But what does that mean? It means that you might say or do something that’s not intended to be hurtful, mean, offensive, or otherwise upsetting. You have good or neutral – not bad – intentions.
How come, even when your intentions are neutral or good, you still cause hurt to someone? Because you can control the feelings of only one person on the entire planet. That’s you.
On the receiving end, this can be especially challenging. While I can control my feelings – there is a degree of work and effort that goes into action on that. Why? Because human beings develop visceral, automated reactions to things via time, experience, education, environment, and more, that go into the routine and automatic programming. This is. In part, to free us to think and feel actively on other matters.
Most reactions are instantaneous. What’s more, they’re frequently something you didn’t expect or prepare for. That’s because the other people in the world are often unpredictable.
Hence, when someone’s intention impacts you – unless there was a prior discussion between you, it was unexpected. Ergo, your automatic, pre-programmed reaction handled it.
Despite our beliefs that we can multitask – the truth is, we can’t. At least, not nearly to the degree we believe possible. Your subconscious mind is in constant motion – and only accessed via your conscious mind… sometimes. And that can be either passive or active.
To better handle both your own reaction to intentions – and anticipate the reactions of others – we must begin by recognizing and acknowledging this universal truth:
Intentions and feelings will be frequently misaligned.
You feel what you feel
How you feel, despite another’s intentions, is utterly valid.
See if any of these experiences I’ve had/am having are familiar to you:
Situation 1: I inquired about attending a writing group event. The software for the sign-up wouldn’t let me complete the form. I reached out via alternative means. The one response I got didn’t tell me it would be okay for me to attend. The intention of the responses and non-responses is neutral, I know – but I still feel rejected. It still feels like I was ignored and unwanted.
Situation 2: I thought we had a good relationship going. Last year, she went through a bunch of stuff, and I’ve kept my distance – and we were virtually non-communicative for months. Then, we reconnected. But I told her I needed her to make some effort to initiate communication going forward. It could not be all on me. Despite repeating this multiple times – she’s not initiating communication. I feel hurt and rejected – and I have no doubt her intention is neutral or good (keeping her messy psyche clear of mine). But I’m feeling hurt.
Situation 3: I loved her. We started something I thought would be amazing. Then, I said something she clearly disliked – and rather than talk it out, she phased me out of her life further and further. It felt like she ripped my heart out of my chest and stomped on it – and maybe her intent was neutral, maybe it was selfish. I don’t know. But now I feel more angry over this than hurt.
No matter the intentions of the other parties involved, I feel what I feel. My feelings are valid. Ergo, no matter what anyone intends to or for you – when you feel what you feel, it’s valid.
Intentions and feelings misalign frequently
I have zero control over the thoughts, feelings, actions, or intentions of anyone other than myself. Only my thoughts, feelings, intentions, and actions, are under my control. In any way, shape, or form.
Thus, you have zero control over the thoughts, feelings, actions, or intentions of anyone other than yourself. Only your thoughts, feelings, intentions, and actions are under your control. In any way, shape, or form.
I keep reemphasizing this because it’s easy to forget. Especially when someone you care about repeats a hurtful – but unintentionally hurtful – action.
For example, when someone told me I was being unfair claiming that they didn’t get me – then made a statement that starkly reflected that they didn’t get me – it hurt.
It’s important here that I make it clear I’m not just a victim of intent gone wrong. I’ve perpetrated it, too. For example, I was in a relationship with someone, and something came up that I chose not to address, with the intent not to hurt her. But my intent didn’t matter – not addressing the matter hurt her.
My intent in pointing out the above person not getting me is neutral, a statement of fact. But despite my intent, it will likely translate as hurtful (which is why I’m not naming this person).
Give or take, feelings and intentions frequently misalign. What can we do about this? There is no solution because reactions and the feelings of others – and to some degree our own – are outside of our control.
But we can be more actively consciously aware of this issue and misalignment.
The power of mindfulness
We can’t do much to align intentions and feelings. Again, we have no control over how what we intend will impact another’s feelings. We also have no control over another’s intentions and how we feel.
What we can do, however, is practice greater active conscious awareness. That’s mindfulness.
Active conscious awareness – mindfulness – starts with recognition of your thoughts, feelings, actions, and intentions. From there, you gain access to your subconscious, and your values, beliefs, habits, and memories.
Why does that matter? While the initial reaction you have is automated – how long you hold it is on you. If it’s negative and drawing more negativity to it – you have the power to change that. Mindfulness lets you recognize the negativity from that initial reaction. That empowers you to change your thoughts and feelings toward it.
Mindfulness also makes you more consciously aware of your intentions. That added awareness can help you to see how someone on the receiving end might react to your actions no matter what your intentions may be.
Ergo, if you know not telling someone ‘X’ is going to be more hurtful than the hurt of telling them – and your intent is not to hurt them – you can choose what to do with greater clarity. However – that still might not work in your favor (because you can’t control how someone else feels or reacts to something).
The takeaway is this – intentions and feelings will frequently be misaligned. But with mindfulness, you can both manage your feelings and reactions to another’s intentions and have greater awareness of how your intentions might produce undesirable reactions and feelings.
Understanding why intentions and feelings often misalign isn’t hard
It’s all about working with mindfulness of your thoughts, feelings, and intentions to direct your actions.
When you recognize and acknowledge that you cannot control how anyone feels or reacts to your intentions, you become more cognizant of the truth of this for you, as well. Knowing that good intentions might produce negative feelings – and that the good intentions on the part of others might produce negativity for you – you can be more actively consciously aware (mindful) and choose to alter your thoughts, feelings, actions, and intentions as needs be.
This empowers you – and in turn, your empowerment can empower others around you.
Taking an approach to positivity and negativity – from the vast cylinder that exists between them – shifts life in a way that opens more dialogue. With a broader dialogue, you can explore and share where you are between the extremes and how that impacts you here and now.
Choosing thoughts, feelings, actions, and intentions for yourself employs an approach and attitude of positivity for realizing amazing potential and possibilities for your life.
The better aware you are of yourself in the now, the more you can do to choose and decide how your life experiences will be. When that empowers you, it can spread to those around you to their empowerment.
Thank you for coming along on this journey.
This is the five-hundred and eighth (508) entry of my Positivity series. I hope that these weekly messages might help spread positive energies for everyone. Feel free to share, re-blog, and spread the positivity.
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