When We’re Not Nice to Ourselves How Do We Expect a Nice World?
It’s super important to us and the world to be nice to ourselves.
I’ve written it before – I’ll likely write it again. I am my own harshest critic.
I also know full well that I am not in any way, shape, or form alone in this. Lots of people I know are most critical when it comes to themselves.
While it’s a good thing to be self-aware and give ourselves critical focus for our overall good – it’s way too easy for us to take that too far.
What that comes down to, for me, is the not-nice things I tend to think and say – about myself.
Does any of this look familiar?
I look terrible. Why do I never manage to make this or that work? How come I always feel like a loser? Why do I fail so often? I’m not worthy. I do not deserve this, that, or the other thing. Why am I never good enough? No wonder I screw up all the time. Of course, it went completely off the rails – it involves me. *sarcasm* Nice job…idiot.
If someone spoke to me in any of the above ways, I’d be pretty peeved at them. So how come I accept that sort of thing from myself?
Self-talk tends to be habitual and subconscious
I’m not a psychologist or a similar professional, but I’ve done a lot of reading and studying on the topic of habits, psychology, mindfulness, and both scientific and spiritual approaches to all these. I claim no expertise, per se – but I have come to multiple realizations and conclusions.
As children, we (hopefully) receive both praise and criticism. I’d say before age 10, we mostly take these fully at face value.
But soon, as the brain evolves, we encounter the various oddities of society. One is that accepting praise at face value is not as important as taking criticism as such.
Think about it – how many people, as adults, don’t take praise well? There are levels of embarrassment, self-consciousness, and disbelief that are virtually automatic.
Conversely, criticism is accepted without question.
Why? I don’t know. But I suspect it’s because when we’re younger, we are inundated with messages about curbing our enthusiasm, keeping our ego in check, and not developing a swelled head from too much praise.
That embeds itself into our subconscious mind – and takes root as belief and value. Before we know it, unchecked, we accept criticism and negative beliefs about life, the Universe, and everything with little to no question.
So, it becomes automatic and habitual to take criticism and apply it inwards. Our self-talk leans to the negative – and while we are loathe to accept outsiders not being nice to us, we’re perfectly fine not being nice to ourselves.
Then we wonder why the world seems so cruel, uncompassionate, and unkind.
Not nice can be mindfully changed to nice
Habits embed themselves deep into our subconscious, taking up residence alongside our values and beliefs.
They become intertwined, and before we know it, we’re smoking, chewing off our fingernails, frequently overeating, and being not nice to ourselves via our self-talk and inner dialogue.
Because the negative beliefs get lodged with our habits and values in our subconscious, we tend not to recognize them for what they are. We accept them as the truth.
But they’re not. They can be changed – particularly when they don’t serve us.
Changing them cannot come from without. We can learn means and ways from outside ourselves – but can only implement change from within.
The first step to change is mindfulness.
Mindfulness is conscious awareness. It begins with becoming aware, here and now, in the present, of our thoughts, feelings, actions, and intentions. That conscious, mindful awareness then shows us our inner mindset/headspace/psyche – and how it connects to our subconscious.
When we’re consciously aware, here and now, we can see if our self-talk is not nice – and choose to change it to nice.
But it’s not that simple. Because often, being not nice has been habitual.
Breaking/changing habits
Habits tend to be automatic and by rote. They just are. It’s very easy to see them as having always been present.
But habits are learned. And they permeate every element of our life experiences.
A lot of research by doctors and various scientists has shown much of what we do is habitual. I would guess 2/3 of the things we do on any given day are habits.
Getting out of bed when and how we do. Brushing our teeth. Going to work. Interacting with certain people. When we check our phones. Watching TV or internet vids. Going to bed at night.
You might be thinking – that’s just my routine. But routine is often habit.
Habits are formed over time via repetition. They become rote and routine and automatic. And we can’t just erase them.
To change and replace a habit requires conscious, mindful effort. We must recognize what we’re thinking, what and how we’re feeling, and what our intentions are before we act. That’s how we create and begin to make new habits.
We can’t erase habits like we can’t undo the past. But we can make new choices, new decisions, and take new actions to create new habits that replace unwanted ones.
This applies to being nice to ourselves.
Be mindful of self-criticism and associated self-talk
The first step is to become truly aware of the uncomplimentary and not nice things we think about and say to ourselves. We must recognize and acknowledge where this comes from our subconscious, within, and see it for what it is.
Then we can choose to change the self-talk. Take ahold of our negative commentary and thoughts about ourselves and be kinder, more compassionate, and frankly – nicer.
And we need to keep at it. Forgive ourselves when we slip and return to the not-nice self-talk – and again work via mindfulness to shift it. Change it.
It takes time and conscious effort to change our inner critic. But if you are not liking what you say and think about yourself – you’re empowered to change it.
But it won’t come from without – you and I must begin from within.
We deserve to live in a nice world. How do we expect to create that when we’re not nice to ourselves? Hence, with ourselves is where we need to begin. And we’re all worthy and deserving of this – despite ingrained beliefs that are telling us we aren’t.
Take the praise – you’re worthy and deserving of it because you are a good person at heart seeking to live the best life that you possibly can when all is said and done.
Recognizing how being not nice to ourselves hurts us isn’t hard
It’s all about working with mindfulness of our thoughts, feelings, and intentions to direct our actions.
When we recognize and acknowledge that our being not nice to ourselves extends out to the world around us – we can employ mindfulness and conscious awareness to change that. Knowing that we are worthy and deserving of being nice – and receiving the same kindness, compassion, and good we desire to give – we can mindfully access the subconscious where our habits, beliefs, and values live. And change or replace them with self-talk, habits, and values that better serve us.
This empowers us – and in turn, our empowerment can empower others around us. That can expand to change the bigger picture matters.
Choosing for ourselves tends to lean positively.
Taking an approach to positivity and negativity – from the vast space that exists between them – shifts the concept in a way to opens more dialogue. In that form, we can explore and share where we are between those extremes and how that impacts us here and now.
Lastly, I believe the better aware we are of ourselves in the now, the more we can do to choose and decide how our life experiences will be. If that empowers us, it can also open those around us to their own empowerment. And that is, to me, a worthwhile endeavor to explore and share.
Thank you for coming along on this ride with me.
This is the four hundred and fortieth entry of my Positivity series. I hope that these weekly messages might help spread positive energies for everyone. Feel free to share, re-blog, and spread the positivity.
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