When the People Who Share My Heart Don’t Get Me?
How do I handle this along life’s paths?
My family largely doesn’t get me.
They love me, I know that. But they don’t get me.
What does that mean? I do things, take approaches to matters, and live in ways that cause them to scratch their heads, wonder how I can possibly be content or happy this way, and probably question my sanity.
My dating habits and relationship choices in my 20s and 30s made no sense to them. That I never took any sort of normal, regular job as a true career path baffled them. And the whole medieval fencing and reenactment thing? That just confuses them on many levels.
But they are my family. Ergo, I share pieces of my heart with them. But because they don’t entirely get me, I’ve learned that some things are better kept to myself, and that sometimes I need to guard my heart.
You’d get me if you relaxed your expectations of me
If you’re reading this, mom, I apologize in advance for calling you out. (It’s much more probable that my stepdad is the one reading this).
My mom has always had large goals and expectations for me. She’s never been shy about this. In front of then-fiancé (now wife) she said, “He could have been anything he wanted to be – a doctor, a lawyer, or a merchant chief.”
To this day, based on something I said probably as a pre-teen, she reminds me that I promised to buy her a Mercedes when I became a wealthy success.
And I wonder where my overblown view of success comes from? (You can’t see the jazz hands – but this is sarcasm.)
Suffice it to say – I am not who or what my mom would like me to be. Though it’s not blatant or malicious, her disappointment and disapproval are expressed to me by her in various ways.
Put short and simply – my mom doesn’t get me. I’ve told her this – and she tells me that of course she gets me. But I know that she wants to get me – but doesn’t.
There is room for improvement in my life. But then, truth be told, I’m pretty sure there’s room for improvement in nearly everyone’s life. That’s why we grow, learn, and change.
Because I haven’t lived up to my mom’s expectations of me – she thinks I am not genuinely content or happy. But I am.
Because you know who does get me? I get me.
To thine own self be true
I’ve spent a lot of time getting to know myself.
Beyond getting to know myself, I’ve spent a lot of time learning to like and even love myself. Not in a conceited way – but in a healthy, self-caring, self-worth way.
For a long time, recognizing that the people who share my heart don’t get me, I tried to fit myself into their vision. But the more I did this, the more I saw how a square peg can’t fit into a round hole. And I was never happy or satisfied living like that.
I had to make a choice. Live my life for me or for them. No disrespect to the people who share my heart – but I had to live for me.
That means finding and walking the paths that are genuine and authentic to me.
Another important element of this that I’ve come to realize and embrace over the last decade or so is that, when all is said and done, being genuine and true to myself is more important than whether you or anyone else gets me – or not.
I get me, you get you
A recent conversation with my wife – the person other than me who most gets me – sparked this topic. Because I realized we have another shared commonality between us that I’m not sure either of us recognized or voiced before.
The people who share her heart – her family – don’t get her.
The realization of this – in context – is new. But it prompted me to ask this question – when the people who share my heart don’t get me, how do I handle this?
The answer has been to continue to get myself. I keep working on being consciously aware – mindful – of who, what, where, how, and why I am.
And rather than try to be who they believe I am or should be – I will love them and keep being me, even if they don’t get me.
That’s because they don’t need to get me. Just like I don’t need to get them. Or you.
You don’t need to get me. You need only to get yourself.
Understanding and knowledge of self is frequently ignored in school, society, and the collective consciousness. That’s why self-care is too often seen as selfishness, and mental health often carries a stigma of one sort or another with it.
Self-awareness is getting yourself. But genuine self-awareness isn’t one-and-done. Which complicates everything in our quick fix, instant gratification culture. And that’s because who I am – right now – isn’t who I was even yesterday, or who I will be tomorrow.
That’s because change is the one and only constant in the universe. And awareness of the self changes as the self inevitably changes.
But getting myself has been utterly worthwhile.
Choosing my own paths
Recognizing and acknowledging that the people who share my heart – my family – don’t get me, could be seen as a negative.
I want the people who share my heart to get me. But I can only be me, and I can’t think or feel for anyone else.
So it’s not a negative that the people who share my heart don’t get me – it simply is.
Recognizing and acknowledging this has allowed me to embrace my eccentric, weird, geeky self. Rather than keep stiving to be someone I’m not, I’m striving to be me. The genuine, authentic, true me that I am.
For me, this has meant choosing my own paths. Despite challenges, imperfections, obstacles, and other issues along those paths – choosing my own paths has led to a more content, fulfilling, and happier existence overall.
Sure, there’s room for improvement. I’m working on that constantly. But that’s life in general. I see this work as growth, possibilities, and potential. And the work it entails excites me.
Sure, the people who share a piece of my heart don’t get me – but they don’t need to get me. I need to get me. Then I can continue to walk the paths of my choosing to be who, what, where, how, and why I desire to.
There are days I wish that they got me. But I also know that it doesn’t wholly matter – because I love them and they love me.
How do you handle the people who share your heart but don’t entirely get you?
This is the six-hundred and ninth (609) exploration of my Pathwalking philosophy. These weekly essays are my ideas for – and experiences with – applying mindfulness and positivity to walk along a chosen path of life to consciously create reality.
I share this journey as part of my desire to make a difference in this world and empower as many people as I can with conscious reality creation.
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