When I know I Shouldn’t Do That – Why Do I Still Do That?
I shouldn’t do that, but I do. Lack of willpower? Distraction? Something else? Let’s explore.
I know that I have an addiction to carbohydrates and sweets. Bread, cookies, pasta, candy, ice cream – everything that is bad for my overall health.
This is why we tend to not keep bread, ice cream, and a lot of pasta in the house. However, my wife loves to bake, and bake for our friends – so these things still find their way here.
Currently, there is chocolate that my wife created to make truffles. Even knowing I should ignore it and that I don’t need it – I have been eating it.
I know I shouldn’t do that. The goal before my 50th birthday, now 3 months away, is to get into far better physical shape. And yet, there I am, at the fridge, enjoying some very smooth and tasty chocolate.
And then I get annoyed with myself. I start to feel like I am failing, and I get frustrated.
Then there is the question. I know I shouldn’t do that – so why do I still do that??
What is my why?
The great big million-dollar question is – why? Why do I do this to myself?
I know full well that I shouldn’t do this. Hell, that’s why we normally don’t keep these things in the house. And yet – there I go, and I am enjoying the chocolate. Then feeling guilty after.
Later, I get annoyed because even with the weight I’ve lost, my body size hasn’t shifted as much as I would desire, and there is still a long, long way to go toward my goal.
Is this self-sabotage? Lack of willpower? Depression? Laziness? All of the above?
Maybe the question is deeper. Maybe the overall question is – what is my why?
Why do I desire to get into better physical shape before my 50th birthday? Why does that matter to me?
There are some genetic health predispositions in my family to consider. Thus, keeping my weight under control – which I have not been so good at – is an important part of that. As such, I would rather avoid having to take even more pills a day and some other unpleasant possibilities by getting into better physical shape now.
Why? Because when all is said and done, I would like to live a long, abundant, healthy life. There are things I would like to do that I’ve not done yet, and there is much I’d like to be able to give that I haven’t given yet. Being in better physical health will make that more possible.
When you get down to it – my why is that I desire to do what I can to make this world a better place. Not just for me – for you, for them, for everyone.
Yeah, I know that’s a lofty goal. I also know that there’s only so much that I can do to that end. But to help make it possible, I need to be the best me that I can be. And that includes the physical me.
Which taps into the larger problem.
I shouldn’t do that – but still do that
This is applied – in this instance – to things physical. But the base is in my mental, emotional, and spiritual health. All the unseen stuff only I can truly grasp and comprehend.
This is why the question of why am I doing what I know I shouldn’t be doing comes up. There is something in my mindset/headspace/psyche self – tapping into either my subconscious mind or my ego – that takes that path.
When I do what I shouldn’t do, that leads to a feeling of guilt and often shame. It is unreasonable – and yet, there it is. And I am unsure why I do that.
It’s easy to label this. Lack of willpower, self-sabotage, distraction, boredom, depression – take your pick. But the label is not the answer to the why. The answer is deeper – and tied to my mental, emotional, and spiritual health.
Ergo, somewhere in my subconscious and/or my ego – I feel unworthy and undeserving. So I do what I shouldn’t do – even knowing I shouldn’t do that – to stay where, how, who, and why I am.
But why? Because I have a comfort zone in which I have placed myself. Consciously – I would like to change it. Egotistically, I desire to not rock the boat. Meanwhile, subconsciously, old beliefs, habits, and values step in.
How do I adjust myself for this?
The first step is recognition. And that is what I’m sharing with you here. I recognize that while I desire to make these changes for my health and wellbeing – I’m scared. They will take me out of my comfort zone. And I have no idea what I’ll find outside of it.
Intellectually, I know that good is there. My knees will thoroughly appreciate not bearing all this extra weight, as will my internal organs. My fencing and other physical prowess will likely improve when I am not carrying so much excess weight.
Emotionally and spiritually, however, there are tons of what-ifs. What if I lose sight of who I am? Will I become someone I would rather not? What if people abandon the new me? What if this new me isn’t who I truly desire to be and I get it wrong?
Comfort zones are comfortable. That’s why stepping out of them is so challenging. But the problem is that you get complacent and, despite comfort, uncomfortable. Change – though the only constant in the Universe and utterly inevitable – is unknown and uncomfortable.
Why else do we accept failed systems in our society? Because change makes us uncomfortable. So, we cling to what we know and are comfortable with – even when it does us harm (or is not, in fact, real).
For years now, I have been practicing walking my own path via conscious reality creation, mindfulness, and positivity. But more often than not, I’m stumbling rather than smoothly traversing my chosen path. Part of that is the self-sabotage in knowing when I shouldn’t do that and do it anyway – whatever that may be. And I know this is tied more directly to the discomfort of leaving my comfort zone.
What is my comfort zone here?
I have spent the majority of my life overweight.
At the same time – I’m proud of much of what I’ve been able to do despite that. As a fencer, I am far faster and more dexterous than I appear. I can run, albeit in short bursts. My oversized gut (I carry nearly all my excess weight in my gut) belies my strength and agility.
And if I lose the weight and am reshaped more normally – do I lose my uniqueness? If I am a more normal shape and size, do the above-mentioned special attributes go away? Will I cease to be special?
That’s the most obvious comfort zone I live in. The next is attached to my half-success in my art. I might desire to make a better living off my writing – but how different will my life be if I am financially stable and more abundant? What will life look like when I am no longer almost, nearly there – but over the hump and getting where I desire to go?
It is my fear of leaving my comfort zones. That is why I do that when I know I shouldn’t do that. It is a form of self-sabotage.
What can I do about this? Mindfulness. First and foremost, recognizing and acknowledging what I am doing in the abstract makes me aware. Practicing mindfulness and using my conscious awareness more actively will help me to stop myself from doing that when I know I shouldn’t do that.
See the positivity when I know I shouldn’t do that – and then don’t do that
If I am being totally honest with myself – I also should probably get back into therapy. The last year, and the 2 years of pandemic life before that, have revealed old wounds I might need help addressing. Especially if I am going to leave this comfort zone and change who I desire to change myself into being.
The end of this is a net positive, and I know it. Being healthier and in better shape will increase my longevity, my wellbeing, and let me prevent some potentially nasty things I’d like to prevent. It would also create a new normal that I would like to experience.
That, ultimately, would let me do the things I truly desire to do – and help make the world a better place from my corner of it.
That’s because to give the most of myself that I can – I need to be the best, most genuine me that I can be. Who I am now is good – but I can do and be even better. And better represents a ton of potential for some pretty amazing things – and to give more which I can’t even fully conceive from this comfort zone.
I know where I am. And I know who, what, why, and how I am – here and now. Only from here can I step outside this less-than-ideal comfort zone into where I truly believe I can and should be. Then, I believe that I can do more to do all I can to make this world a better place for you and everyone I can reach out to.
Thanks for coming along on this strange trip with me.
This is the four hundred and thirty-sixth entry of my Positivity series. I hope that these weekly messages might help spread positive energies for everyone. Feel free to share, re-blog, and spread the positivity.
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