What Do You Do When You Feel Small?
Things happen that make you feel things and question your path along the way.
I recently attended the Farpoint sci-fi con as an author guest. This was my 5th year doing this. As an author guest, I am given an hour to set up a table to sign and sell books. What I enjoy most, however, is that I get to take part in multiple discussion panels on a wide range of topics, including fandom, science, movies and TV, and of course, literary pursuits.
While I enjoy being a panelist, I also enjoy attending some of the discussions. I chose to attend a panel about world-building. Given that I self-identify as a world builder on my author website, this topic is particularly near and dear to my heart.
The authors chosen to discuss this as panelists all had impressive resumes. One wrote episodes of the original Star Trek. Another has written multiple Star Wars: The High Republic novels. The next has written books for multiple well-known properties. The last had equally impressive credentials in addition to being a professor of English.
As I sat and enjoyed the discussion, an underlying current swirled through my heart and soul. Look at them. They’re well-established brands. Who in the hell am I?
The panel immediately following this one was moderated by me, since I suggested it. The topic was writing about fighting. The intent was to cover how to write fight scenes without going overboard on details, disconnecting from your character and their why, or straining credulity. One of the other three panelists had a different agenda and kinda sorta hijacked the discussion when it was his turn to speak.
These two happenings, though only vaguely connected, together made me feel small.
Nobody can tell you what or how to feel
Things happen that make you feel a certain way. In this instance, my own brain weasels and related self-doubts, coupled with ongoing self-esteem issues, led me to feel small. More specifically, insignificant, unimportant, and worthless.
I’m an indie-author. An authorpreneur. Yes, I tried to publish traditionally over the years, submitting to both agents for representation and open calls from publishers. Eventually, I chose to go independent, which has been made increasingly easy via eBooks and online tools. It doesn’t take much to use them effectively.
Since I started writing as a kid, my deepest desire has been to be published. And the first time I got published was in an anthology by a small press. The second time was another anthology from the same small press. That inspired me to learn more about the process and, in time, turn to authorpreneurship.
Not counting a couple of forays into nonfiction, I’ve published 20 books total since 2014 (with one more set to come out in a month). These include 5 different series and a couple of standalones. With 20 titles out there, you’d think I’d feel good about what I’ve done. And most of the time, I do.
Then I look at my sales numbers, sparse reviews, and overall reach, and my heart grows heavy, and I start to feel small. Who in the hell am I?
Feelings are what they are when they initially hit you. How and what I feel in a given situation is what and how I feel, and nobody can tell me it’s right or wrong because it simply is.
However, after the initial happening that spurs the feeling, you can change it.
What do you do when you feel small?
You and I have very little control over much of anything in the universe. Yet the one thing utterly in our control is our active, conscious awareness.
Initial reactions and the feelings that arrive from them are a product of your subconscious beliefs, values, memories, and sense of being. This is often coupled with your ego, which is the construct created from a connection once made between the conscious and subconscious mind by which you identify yourself (as I wrote about here).
Applying active conscious awareness is mindfulness. Mindfulness opens you to ask yourself questions, here and now, like:
- What am I feeling?
- How am I feeling?
When you are present and mindful, here and now, you can genuinely answer this. And if the answer doesn’t suit you, you can change it.
If you’re feeling small, insignificant, unimportant, and worthless, you can let that sit and dominate your life. That will, however, fester over time and lead you to feel worse and worse.
You alone can recognize your worth. That’s because only you are in your head, heart, and soul. With that power, you’re empowered. As an empowered being, you can change the feeling.
This doesn’t mean disregarding, ignoring, or pretending what you felt initially is invalid or wrong. You must recognize and acknowledge what and how you feel before you can alter it. From there, you can change your approach and shift your focus to things that make you feel bigger, consequential, important, and worthwhile. You can alter your feelings to look away from the negative end of the spectrum to the positive.
However, it might take you a bit more work and convincing.
Actions are louder
Feeling small? Find something inside you that makes you feel abundant. Watch something that makes you laugh, read something that centers you, and/or do something to get your blood flowing that invigorates your mind, body, and spirit.
When you feel small, there are lots of things you can do to turn your mindset/headspace/psyche self to another page. Enjoy cat videos on the internet? Watch some. Have a friend you can commiserate and laugh with? Talk to them. Does meditation center and calm you? Do that.
Actions are louder than inner dialogues. Doing something is a great way to shift what and how you feel away from negatives. That’s because action engages your thought, feeling, intent, and approach, all of which are yours alone to control and change.
It’s been a couple of days now, and I’m still compartmentalizing the way I feel small. But I’m taking action to help me deal with that, such as sharing this with you, attending fencing practices to get my blood flowing, and doing my usual writing and editing work.
This brings me to a last crucial matter. Time. How long it takes to change any thoughts, feelings, and intentions is variable. Environment, situation, depth of hurt, and more, coupled with your constitution, fortitude, resilience, and other qualities, will vary how long any given change to your conscious self takes. There is nothing wrong with that or you. Just know that time is what it is, and there is no One True Way™ or set timeline.
As always, this is a matter of the choices and decisions you make. What works for me might not work for you, and vice versa. Taking action and getting a handle on what and how you feel can turn negativity to positivity and better your overall life experience.
So, what do you do when you feel small?
This is the seventh-hundred-thirty-seventh (737) exploration of my Pathwalking philosophy. These weekly essays are my ideas for – and experiences with – applying mindfulness and positivity to walk along a chosen path of life to consciously create reality.
I share this philosophy because I desire to make a difference in the world and help as many people as I can to find their empowerment with conscious reality creation.
Thank you for joining me. Feel free to repost and share this.
The first year of Pathwalking, including some expanded ideas, is available here.
Also, please check out my author website for the rest of my published fiction and nonfiction works.
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