Turning 50 – Where Am I Now and Where Am I Going?
Reflecting on becoming my true, genuine self and expanding that going forward.
When I turned 30 in 2002, I freaked out about it.
I was (mostly) single, working a lame-ass job, and largely discontent with my lot in life.
What’s more, I was much more prone to believing the messages about how my life was supposed to look. At 30, as far as I knew, I was supposed to be at least in a serious relationship, following a real career path, and doing other things that “normal” 30-year-olds did.
I have never been good at normal. Though I had recovered from the injuries I’d received after being hit by a car while crossing a street, my life was still wrought with uncertainty, and I had no clue who I was, where I was going, what I desired to do, and so on.
I spent most of my 20s and 30s in this way.
Ten years later, when I turn 40 in 2012, I was in a very different mindset. I’d begun to develop my Pathwalking life philosophy – as well as to work on living it. Rather than resist the pull of a life in a very different direction, I was actively making choices and decisions about the journey.
At 40, I was living with my future wife, working a job I liked, and was increasingly becoming content with my lot in life.
A far cry from who, where, what, why, and how I was only 10 years before that.
Now, in 2022, I’m turning 50. Half a century. Reflecting on who I was versus who I am now – I approach this milestone not with dread nor trepidation – but with cautious optimism and excitement for what is possible.
Learning the power of conscious choice
Over the last 10 years, I’ve been working on living mindfully. Rather than just letting life live me – or just going with whatever – I’ve been making conscious choices for who, what, where, how, and why I am.
Let me be perfectly honest here – this has not been easy. I’ve still had many struggles and challenges along this path. Lots of mundane issues – largely around finances and interpersonal family matters. What’s more, I need to acknowledge my privilege here. Were I not living in an affluent state in a generally liberal and accepting part of the USA I don’t know how this would be.
But this has been the best decade of my life overall.
Why? Because I’ve increasingly become my truest, most genuine self.
No pretenses. I’m not hiding my geek, shying away from a road less traveled, and doing all I can to walk the walk as well as talk the talk.
I’ve been more content with my life these past 10 years than I ever recall being before. The doubt and uncertainty of my 20s and 30s have been far less prevalent. I’ve accepted my true, genuine self – and in doing so am striving to live that life as fully as possible.
How have I gotten here? Conscious choice.
I learned long ago that consciousness creates reality. Yet even if you don’t fully buy that – or the Law of Attraction, for that matter – I’ve seen its real power. And that’s conscious choices and active decisions for all the questions of living life.
Working on conscious awareness of myself – who, what, where, how, and why I am – has been illuminating.
Using practical mindfulness to learn and grow
Mindfulness is a product of conscious awareness. Real, genuine mindfulness is conscious awareness of my inner self. Specifically, conscious awareness of my thoughts, feelings, actions, and intentions.
When I have been better aware of myself, I’m better aware of the world around me. That’s shown me how I can choose to be a beacon of light in an often dark world.
Mindfulness has allowed me to better recognize and employ my gifts to share my stories with the world. I use this to be empowered – and also to help empower others.
Being genuine and truer to all the elements of myself has massively improved my mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual health, wellness, and wellbeing.
Overall, the general contentedness I’m feeling is wonderful.
But life is never just one way or one thing. There are bad days, frustrations, challenges, and discontent, too.
That’s the human condition. But as I have been working on conscious reality creation and mindfulness, I’ve been more regularly in the here-and-now.
The present. The only time that’s truly real.
Hence, while I’m reflecting on the past half-century of my life – it’s important to be in the now to reflect on that past.
Reflecting on where I am – without nostalgia
Nostalgia kills.
Not to put too fine a point on it – but people often let nostalgia for times gone by dictate their lives. And frequently those times their nostalgic for were nothing like the reality of them.
I give you the Trumpster MAGA cultists as Exhibit A.
I am reflecting on my past, but not with nostalgic longing or any desire to return to that life. Hell no. Where I am now is where I desire to be (for the most part). What I seek in reflecting on my past is an understanding of the lessons I’ve learned.
I’ve lived for almost 5 decades. Over that half a century, I’ve had some surreal and amazing experiences. I’ve met incredible people, seen amazing places and things, and experienced highs, lows, and everything in between. That’s impacted me in so many ways.
I reflect on that to see where I’ve been relative to where I am now.
By knowing where I am now – as well as who, what, and why I am – I open myself to potential and possibilities going forward.
Expanding on my true, genuine self
Turning 30 made me uncomfortable – and set in motion a turbulent decade for my life. Then, turning 40 was a calmer, more tolerant, and overall good experience. Hence, turning 50, I go forward with acceptance of cautious optimism for realizing more of my potential and possibilities. Why? To live the fullest life I possibly can.
I’m reflecting on who I’ve been and all I’ve learned along the way these past 50 years. That is a product of the here-and-now, conscious awareness of the present. Because only from the present can I move forward.
What does turning 50 mean to me? It means I have leveled up, gained experience points, and am better able to handle whatever comes my way. What’s more, I am more intentional about all that I am and everything I do.
Thus do I expand upon my truest, most genuine self. And I am sharing this not to brag but to offer positive thought and realistic idealism in a world where fear, uncertainty, and negativity tend to dominate.
Thank you for reading. Thanks, in turn, for taking part in the celebration of my birthday – and my reflecting on my past to see better where I am now and where I desire to be going forward.
(My 50th birthday that I am exploring here is on September 2nd)
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