This is Who I Am
Who I am – an honest assessment of my flawed, imperfect self.
Almost ten and a half years ago, I began to explore this philosophy I call Pathwalking. Over that time, all of the articles I have written, additional blogging on mindfulness, conscious reality creation, positivity, and the like have changed who I am and how I approach my life.
The change has been for the better. But while I am in a good place – I am still working on becoming more of who I desire to be.
I have been on the cusp of realizing the life experience I most desire for years now. Part of why it’s been the cusp has been due to overthinking, setting goals too far ahead, and not acknowledging my successes, achievements, and their awesomeness along the way.
I can’t deny that I am very fortunate. Presently, I have the luxury to work on my desired goal for my life experience. And I am, in truth, living it. With one exception both within and beyond my control.
Despite all that I write and practice in mindfulness, conscious reality creation, staying optimistic and positive – I am flawed. I get it wrong, fuck it up, and make a total mess of things along the way.
This is because I am human – and like all humans, perfectly imperfect. While I will sometimes berate and otherwise beat myself up for this – I am learning to better forgive myself. Which, of course, is key to moving on and making the most of life.
To pass the cusp where I have been stuck for a while now, I need to begin by assessing where I am, here and now. I am sharing this because I believe it applies to you and your life situation, too.
Recognizing that I am where I desire to be (mostly)
Currently, I am living the life I have most desired to live.
What does that look like? This is me, working as a full-time writer. I’m writing blogs 6 days a week, editing existing writing works for publication, and writing new fiction daily.
As such, I work from my perfectly pleasant home office. I have a great arrangement, the proper equipment for my needs, and am creating a lot.
The schedule I keep is set by me, and balances necessary work/life matters. Every day I’m exercising, meditating, practicing gratitude and mindfulness, too.
When I do pick up a freelance gig from time to time, I am still writing, editing, or doing content creation. Overall, I’m my own boss and feel good about what I’m doing and how I’m doing it.
I am more content, balanced, centered, and happy with my life as it is.
Despite the formation of a level of comfort, I recognize that change is inevitable and unavoidable. So, rather than allow change to overwhelm or surprise me – I’m working to direct and control it via mindfulness.
Thus, I am increasing how many titles I’m offering among my fiction works. Additionally, I’m working to figure out how to share my philosophy, mindset, and conscious reality creation processes via talks either online or in-person (once we are past this pandemic) – or – with some sort of class program offering.
Cheesy as it might sound – I think I’d be a good life coach. Or at least able to talk about the process and help people find their own ways with similar tools.
These things are not insurmountable. The issue I am having – where I am mostly where I desire to be – is the ongoing hangup I have with the green stuff.
Who I am and money
Money and I have a completely fucked up relationship.
I need to start with this statement: I recognize that I have a certain degree of privilege here. I’m more-or-less a middle-class, cis-gendered white middle-aged male. Overall, we’ve never been wanting, and I’ve never gone without essentials. Further, I live in the northeastern United States, have what’s considered a good education, and live in a middle-class neighborhood.
All that being written – when it comes to money and a sense of security or sufficiency – there have been ongoing issues. For example, I’ve had my electricity shut off because I couldn’t pay my bill, wrecked my credit by maxing out and being unable to pay my credit cards, and played the “pay this not that” game with my bills.
The best explanation I have is that there are gnarly beliefs in money, having money, and making money that I can’t entirely pinpoint to change. I’m fairly certain they’re from my childhood and buried deep below the surface.
Presently, the one sticking point that keeps me from getting past being on the cusp of fully realizing my desired life experience is money.
I’m not talking about buying expensive cars, boats, and the newest technologies money – I’m talking about never-worry-about-paying-bills and feeling secure and sufficient sufficiency money.
Sure, I’d love to get beyond that – but not so I can get more toys. No, I would very much like to make regular large donations to worthy causes, help friends and family in need, and help other people get free of the fear-based societal mindset and it’s attendant Stockholm Syndrome issues.
I’m striving with my mindfulness practice to heal my relationship with money. I’m sharing this as a part of that.
Money is not evil – but it brings out both the best and the worst in people.
Identity and who I am
You may not know me personally. I may just be MJ Blehart, author, to you. Perhaps you are a friend or family member who calls me by my given ‘M’ name. Then, you might be part of the international medieval society I’ve been a part of for nearly 30 years, and the name I chose for my persona might be who you think of me as.
The meat popsicles that are our bodies are not who we are. They become the physical place where we exist in this world at this time. Within them are our identities, made up of our subconscious and conscious mind.
Identities tend to lead to labels. Thus, my meatsuit is a short, heavyset, white, middle-aged man. Just below that surface, I am an American, Jewish, liberal, opinionated, wiseass.
But below the surface and immediate sub-surface, I am human. Like you. No matter our backgrounds, experiences, real and artificial differences, we’re the same. At our deepest depths we’re not just the same – but of the same Universal Source Energy.
That being written, you and I are both on unique journeys through life. What lights me up and brings me joy isn’t going to be what does the same for you – even if they are similar.
All of us get caught up in comparative, competitive, unrealistic matches between one another. But ultimately, all of us seek to have experiences and make connections. That’s what we’re here, living these lives, to do. To live.
And that’s why I have made the choices and decisions I have to explore and use mindfulness, conscious reality creation, positivity, and all the other tools I can learn, find, or create to live an incredible life.
And I desire to share those to help you do the same.
Kindness, compassion, and empowerment
After getting hit by a car crossing a street and a year of recovery that ensued, I realized that there was a choice. I could curl up in a ball and await death, let life live me and just heal as time and the doctors could heal me. OR – I could live life and put in effort and work to achieve the outcome I most desired.
And I did. Today, unless I show you the scars, you can’t tell how badly broken I was, or that I’m partially held together with titanium.
I could have taken the lessons I learned during that experience and kept them to myself. Fearing competition, lots of people don’t share because of believing that doing so means there’s less to go around.
But that’s not me. I see how kindness, compassion, and empathy empower. Conversely, I see how unkindness, cruelty, and selfishness disempower.
While I certainly credit my rapid and complete healing to my mindfulness practice and use of the Law of Attraction to consciously create a reality of myself being whole and just as capable as I was before – I KNOW it wasn’t just me. My friends and family offered me tremendous love and support. I had amazing doctors, nurses, and therapists, and incredible overall support. It was all this, together, that got me where I desired to be and healed.
This is why I share who I am with you. Because I desire to build you up.
Who I am – who you are – we are stronger together
We – ALL OF US – are stronger together. When we understand and work with this, we spread kindness, compassion, and empowerment. Despite what toxic personalities spew – kindness, compassion, and empathy make us STRONG.
There are so many disempowering forces in the world. They have created a fear-based society and strive to divide us for their own petty interests. When you are empowered, however, you can better recognize this. When you do, you can work to be a beacon of light in the dark and spread compassion, kindness, and empathy.
And that, in turn, empowers.
To quote Marianne Williamson and her Our Deepest Fear,
“And as we let our own light shine,
We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we’re liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.”
And this is why I share with you who I am – a perfectly imperfect, flawed, passionate, crazy person. To overcome the “cusp” I’ve been at for so long I need to shine my brightest.
You might find this some serious hooky-spooky bullshit. That’s fair. But I need to be my authentic self. So, this is who I am – a paradox of form and function. Just like everyone else.
Yet perhaps my light will not just serve me but guide you to a world of reason, abundance, and joy instead of the present fear, scarcity, and sorrow.
This is nearly as complete a picture as I can share with you. Since you can’t get in my head with me – there are limits to showing you who I am.
I hope that sharing this inspires you to be kind, compassionate, empathetic towards yourself as well as others – and be empowered.
This is who I am. What do you share of who you are?
This is the four-hundred and eighty-fifth exploration of my Pathwalking philosophy. These weekly essays are ideas for – and my personal experiences with – mindfulness and walking along a chosen path of life to consciously create reality.
I share this journey as part of my desire to make a difference in this world along the way. Additionally, I desire to empower myself and my readers with conscious reality creation.
Thank you for joining me. Feel free to re-blog and share this.
The first year of Pathwalking, including expanded ideas, is available here. My additional writing, both fiction and non-fiction, are available here.
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