The Power Of Not Worrying About What They Think
You can’t control what they think, can you?
When I was a child, my parents got divorced. Because I was an especially sensitive child, this made me question my fault in my parent’s separation. Despite therapy, I managed to cut myself off from a large number of emotions until many, many years later.
I was a ginormous geek as a child. FYI – this has not changed at all, I’m still a ginormous geek. This, coupled with my Jewish heritage and growing up in the Scandawhovian Midwest, meant I was a head shorter than most of my classmates. I also had little to no athleticism, which meant my outlets were nerdy – choir, theatre, writing, reading, and other like pursuits.
My mom, in an effort to lessen my geek-cred, persuaded (coerced?) me to pierce my ear when I was 16. Most boys at that time did this as an act of rebellion and my mom knew this. Yet along the way, even as a huge nerd, I developed friendships and found my tribe.
This was great, as I struggled with friendships in my adolescent years. This did, however, come with a side-effect that still impacts me today. Despite comfort in my friendships, I still worry about what they think.
This moved beyond friendships to coworkers, associates, people who are in the same hobby I’m in but only have a peripheral relationship with, and more. Thus, to be someone that people would think well of, I spent a lot of my life striving to be a people pleaser. This can be good, except when it causes you to crave the goodwill of others and their thoughts like a drug.
Fears and their impact
Going back to my childhood, my parents’ divorce created in my psyche a deep fear of abandonment. For the record, I don’t “blame” them because blame is useless, and any residual issues now are utterly mine to deal with. However, for context, this is important.
When I managed to develop friend circles, they often dominated my life. A lot of other decisions I made along the way were due to maintaining and holding onto other people. What they think about me preoccupied my mindset in a lot of ways.
For example, I was a DJ at the radio station in college. I loved this. Because of the nature of the college town and our station running 24/7, I spent a summer and winter break as a paid station employee. This was cool on a lot of levels. Back then, to get anywhere in the business you had to start out in a Podunk market. I aimed for Ithaca, NY, and the surrounding area because of the friendships I was unwilling to let go of.
This was why I didn’t pursue radio elsewhere across the country in smaller markets and limited myself and my ability to work in the business. That also got applied to theatre, which is what I got my degree in.
Despite relocating many times in my life, I never went far from the familiar. What they think of me was too important to my sense of wellbeing to take chances that might have built better career options.
I’m not writing this because of regrets. This is about lessons learned. Fear that what they think of me might wind up in my being abandoned and alone – abandonment being the root fear – added layers of complexity to my life that weren’t necessary.
What they think of you is out of your control
Over the past couple of decades, with the help of some excellent therapists, active mindfulness practice, meditation, and psychopharmacology, I’ve reached a better place of understanding. What they think of me is utterly, totally, and completely outside of my control.
This has led to an affirmation I repeat daily.
I give my best. I do my best. The thoughts and feelings of others are outside of my control.
Because of this truth, I’ve been working on exactly this. Give my best. Do my best. Stop worrying about what they think of you.
This will probably come as no surprise, but this is way easier said than done.
This society is all about image. Consumerism dictates that you drive a nice car, wear designer clothes, partake in various amenities and rituals, and other things that are all about making impressions of what they think about you.
There are two truths most people lose sight of. I know that I do.
First truth – you have absolutely ZERO control over what they think about you. None whatsoever.
Second truth – usually, when you are not in the same space, they don’t about you at all. Not in the least.
Pause and reflect for a moment on the people you know. Unless you are with that person, right now, you’re probably not giving them much thought. I’m not talking about Trump or the various celebrities, demagogues, or the like who are almost subliminally beamed into your brain. I’m talking about the average person you know, whether friend, family, coworker, or the like.
Just like you don’t think about them unless you’re in the same space, they don’t think about you. For some, this is deeply disconcerting. However, this is actually very freeing.
Control what you can control
The only things you can control in this life are within you. They begin with your thoughts, feelings, actions, approach, and intentions. This impacts your attitude, your routines, your habits, and everything else that makes you, you.
When you work with this rather than what they think about you, you’re empowered to make choices and decisions to live your life the best that you can.
When you worry about what they think about you, you disempower yourself. You place yourself in the quagmire or trying to know what’s in the head, heart, or soul of those people. In the end, you will never know – because you’re not them.
Taking the control you have over your life experience makes your life a lot less complicated. How? By taking control over what you can control and working from your head, heart, and soul rather than perception and expectation you don’t and can’t know.
The power of not worrying about what they think about you allows you to take control of your life and let yourself do what you need to do to be the best you can be.
One important caveat. This is not a license to be an asshole. Not worrying about what they think about you doesn’t mean you act unkindly, uncompassionately, or unethically towards others. What you give to the universe is still what you get back, whether you worry about what they think or not. It is still important to be a good person.
Recognizing the power of not worrying about what they think isn’t hard
It’s all about practicing mindfulness of your thoughts, feelings, intentions, and approach to direct your actions.
When you recognize and acknowledge that you have ZERO control over what they think, or if they are thinking about you at all, you free yourself from being someone for anyone other than yourself. Knowing that you can only control your head, heart, and soul, you can be more cognizant of who you are and what you are doing without unnecessary worry and concern.
This empowers you, and your empowerment can empower others around you.
Consciously choosing your approach to life towards positivity or negativity – from the vast cylinder that exists between them – shifts life in a way that opens greater dialogue. With a broader dialogue, you can recognize, explore, and share where you are between the extremes and how that impacts you here and now.
Choosing thoughts, feelings, actions, and intentions for yourself employs an approach and attitude of positivity for realizing amazing potential and possibilities for your life.
The better aware you are of yourself here and now, the better you can choose and decide what, how, and why your life experiences will be. When you empower yourself, it can spread to those around you for their empowerment.
Thank you for coming along on this journey.
This is the five-hundred-and-sixty-third (563) entry of my Positivity series. I hope that these weekly messages might help spread positive energies for everyone. Feel free to share, re-blog, and spread the positivity.
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