Pathwalking 82
Trust is a multi-faceted concept many of us find difficult at best. Trust is reliance on something tangible or intangible, holding onto confidence and hope. That is what trust is.
Last week I began to explore that trust in the self is in many respects even more vital than trust in any external force or entity. Without proper trust in who I am, and what I want to do, walking my own Path will be almost impossible.
I concluded by asking this question: What do you do to regain lost trust? This is difficult on a lot of levels, which is why I want to explore it further.
A personal note here: Please bear with me. I have been working on this self-exploration, specifically Pathwalking, for a while now. Putting this particular notion into words is new. It has long been a part of my own character, but expressing it like this is a very different avenue than I am familiar with travelling.
This might be easier to approach from the external first. When you lose your trust in someone or something you have a few options. The thing NOT to do is to get angry and hold a grudge. And as much as people say forgive and forget, I would argue that while it is good to forgive, it is not so useful to forget. Forgetting allows for repetition, and trust violations are NEVER something anyone wants to repeat. So, as such, the first and probably most important step:
Forgive. It is vitally important that you forgive the transgression. Now it IS necessary to note that forgiving is not acceptance, nor is it permission – it is simply the first step in moving past the trust violation. You have to forgive so that you do not hold onto the negativity that was generated by the breach of trust.
This is probably a tangent here, but it cannot be helped. Do you realize how many things in this world would be better if we were more capable of forgiving? Think about it – how many relationships have been destroyed, how many violent acts, how many wars have been fought because neither party involved could forgive? And on that same note, how many suicides do you think are the result of the inability to forgive the self? Forgiveness does NOT come easily to many people, because anger is a very powerful emotion. It is easier to destroy than to build, and forgiveness requires building a bridge to regain what was lost.
I was so badly hurt. I was devastated. I cannot possibly forgive such a mean spirited, unconscionable act! How many times have you been made to feel this way? More importantly, when you held onto this, what good came of it? In time, you likely let it go, but unforgiven it yet remains a festering wound. Past wounds unhealed make Pathwalking very difficult.
As bad as this can be from an external source, it is even WORSE when it is entirely on the self. When you have done something to violate your self trust, forgiving yourself can be difficult at best. And it is largely the inability to forgive the self that leads us to sadness, to depression, to alcohol and drug abuse, and in the worst case scenarios to suicide.
How do I forgive such a terrible thing? There is no one answer to this question. Different situations, different problems, different violations of trust are going to make for different actions to forgive. But I think it is quintessential that forgiveness happens. I think that some or all of the following elements go into forgiveness.
Analysis. First you have to examine the what, the who, the how, the where, the when of the breach of trust. You have to look at it closely, which in and of itself can be difficult. And you have to figure out these elements in order to understand the why, because without knowing why trust was lost I don’t think further steps to fix the problem can occur.
Examination. Analysis is about discovering the root. Examination is about understanding just what actually happened, the nature of the broken trust, and what your next options are.
Acceptance. This is NOT a denial of the hurt feelings broken trust causes. This is accepting that trust is lost, broken, violated or what-have-you. Accept that it happened, that you cannot undo it, and that now you have to move on ultimately to:
FORGIVENESS. Forgiving is very specifically about acknowledgment of the trust issue. In this particular instance, it is about LETTING GO of the anger, resentment, and negativity that has come of the loss of trust. But more importantly, when it comes to the SELF, it is about forgiving yourself for violating your own trust. This is hard, this is a concept that forces you to really grab a hold of your emotional state, and take control of it. THAT is what forgiveness is about.
Move on. It is important that you do not forget the trust issue, because if you forget it is very possible it will repeat itself. It is important that you learn from the experience. That is what moving on is about. You have to make a very conscious choice here, and to continue onwards and past this obstacle in your path.
Analyze the trust issue for the why. Examine that once you understand it. Accept that trust was affected. Forgive yourself for the transgression, choose not to let the negativity and hurt and pain latch a hold of your psyche, and then move on.
I will continue to explore trust and its relation to Pathwalking further next week.
This is the eighty-second entry in my series. These weekly posts are specifically about walking along the path of life, and my desire to make a difference in this world along the way. Thank you for joining me.
The first year of Pathwalking is available in print and for your Kindle.
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