Pathwalking 70
One of the most often used phrases people throw around is “forgive, but don’t forget.” While many are champions of applying this to others in their lives, this is somewhere many of us fail at when it comes to ourselves.
Last week I talked about the “forgive” portion of this, but did not get into the “don’t forget” aspect. To put it simply, the importance of forgiving without forgetting is to avoid repetition in errors.
I can forgive myself for screwing up however I erred. But if I forget the action, forget the error, there is an increased chance that I might repeat it. So while I need to forgive myself, it is imperative that I do not forget.
This seems very simple, doesn’t it? Trouble is, surprise surprise, it is not. It is human nature to try to erase the things we do not want in our lives. Rather than focusing on being FOR things like peace, happiness and abundance, we are AGAINST things like war, hatred and poverty. Rather than focus on enhancing the good and positive, we generally focus on trying to stomp out the negative. This is unsurprisingly counterproductive.
Forgetting the things we have to forgive ourselves for falls into this notion. It is hard enough to say to yourself “Ok, self, I know I wronged you, and I am sorry, I forgive you.” But harder still is once you have forgiven yourself, not just forgetting it ever happened. “You are forgiven, just forget about it and move on” seems really easy. And it is. But if you forgive and proceed to forget, chances are, you have not learned something you needed to learn.
Yes, I maintain that life is all about learning. There is something new and exciting to be learned every single day. And an experience where you wind up needing to forgive yourself is very much a part of this. Let’s be perfectly honest here – not everything we learn is going to be positive. Sometimes we are going to learn how NOT to do things, we are going to learn how things DO NOT work, and we are going to learn ways NOT to be. This can be as important as learning good things, because life is all about paradox and duality.
Some things we need to forgive ourselves for are minor. From simple misunderstandings to misperceptions to mistakes and accidents which we may have little control over, to far grander errors like poorly chosen partnerships, relationships, or avoidable mistakes and accidents we had total control over – size matters not. But when we forgive and forget, the process of erasing the error and acting as if it never happened, to all intents and purposes forgetting it, we are much more likely to repeat it.
I also believe that not only might we repeat our transgressions requiring us to forgive ourselves, but the severity and size can grow if we have forgotten along the way how we have gotten to the place requiring forgiveness.
I was asked after last week’s post, “Forgetting is the harder part. There are so many nights I lie awake and cycle through past infractions and problems. How do you make yourself forget and go on?” You can’t make yourself forget. But what you can do is forgive yourself, take whatever lesson was learned from those infractions and problems, and move on. This is one of the hardest things to do, because forgiving ourselves is hard enough, but the desire to forget what we must forgive actually is a mask. It’s a trap. You see, if you DO manage to forget the past issues, there is a very high probability that you have not, in fact, forgiven yourself for them.
Forgetting is easy. And the whole notion of erasing something that makes us feel awful, that makes us most unable to forgive ourselves seems like such the easy answer. Go watch the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and see how well putting this idea of erasing unwanted memories works out for everyone involved. Though a work of fiction, I believe this is very telling of the nature of how forgetting, instead of forgiving, cannot make amends.
Because when all is said and done, isn’t that the point? We need to forgive others to “patch things up” or “apologize” or “make amends”. It is equally if not more important to do these things with and for yourself. Because ultimately, if you are unable to forgive yourself, and you are focused instead on forgetting, then you cannot find the path you are seeking to walk.
I don’t care if we know one another in real life, or you have come across these words in a random search on the web. What I am about to tell you us completely, totally, and absolutely true. You deserve to be happy. You are an exceptional, outstanding, incredible person. You deserve to love and be loved. The ultimate judge of the worthiness of your life is you – but I believe you are worthwhile. You are awesome.
Don’t forget the mistakes and improprieties of your past – FORGIVE YOURSELF. EVERYBODY makes mistakes. Not everyone owns up to them. Allow yourself your infractions and problems, but don’t forget them – forgive them. Stop judging yourself so harshly, and learn from the past – reflect, accept and ultimately forgive. But don’t try the escape pod of forgetting. This is ultimately an avoidance of forgiving.
Do you know why forgiving is more important than forgetting?
This is the seventieth entry in my series. These weekly posts are specifically about walking along the path of life, and my desire to make a difference in this world along the way. Thank you for joining me.
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