Pathwalking 225
Why do I feel so stuck? Why does it feel for every step forward I am taking two steps back? Why is it for every perceived win I have two losses? Why do I feel like I cannot manifest what I want to?
The short answer is Anger.
I have a lot of anger within me. As I have become more adept at meditation I am getting better at digging into my inner psyche, and what I am seeing is a lot of anger.
What am I so angry about?
This is the challenge I am facing. I need to ascertain the answer to this question, because I believe it is my repressed anger that is holding me back and preventing me from manifesting.
When I was younger I had a violent temper. Didn’t hurt anyone or anything, but I did throw things, punch walls, scream out loud, kicked holes in doors. Broke a number of cordless phones in my anger, tossed furniture about, had to patch up walls and doors that felt my wrath.
Over the years I have been in and out of therapy, and along the way even went on a prescription of Prozac a couple times. I found new ways to cope with my anger, and the violence of my temper abated.
I don’t think I repressed my anger. I still found expression for the anger. I think what I did was not actually deal with the root of the anger I had.
I was still angry. I was still upset about a thing. I let it go, in the then, but I didn’t address it. I either blew it off, let it pass, or I took another path away from it. However, what I did not do was address it and actually deal with it.
Now I am realizing I have a great deal of anger I have not dealt with. It is way beneath the surface, and I am learning that it is blocking me from accomplishing the things I want. I am having trouble manifesting because my anger, which is rooted in fear, is causing me to disbelieve, to doubt, and as such manifestation becomes impossible.
When I have successfully manifested things I wanted and needed in the past I had no doubt, no disbelief, they just were. I saw the outcome, and there was nothing that would be able to get between myself and the outcome. That was that, and lo the thing I wanted to make manifest manifested.
I have a lot of unresolved anger, which is largely a result of much deeper rooted fears. That anger has made me doubtful, and the doubt in turn prevents me from manifesting.
This is one big vicious cycle, of course. I am angry, which in turn means all my doubts get magnified. I want to see myself successful but then I see the balance in my bank account, the bills, the lack of sales of my books and the inability to land a decent job and constantly being without…surprise surprise I remain in this state of lack, I remain unable to create anything but what I already have, and that, in turn, contributes to my deep rooted unresolved anger.
Then, just to add a measure of fun, I get angry in the now. I am angry that this is the situation I find myself in, and I am angry at myself for every perceived mistake, every negative emotion, every inaction – because I know that these are contributing to reinforcing my inability to manifest. Anger is powerful.
How do I resolve this? This is the part that is going to be the most challenging. The short answer is that I have to forgive myself.
The past is passed. I have to stop holding onto all the things of the past that I have been so angry about, and I have to forgive myself for feeling the way I feel. I also have to be conscious of my current feelings, and not allow anger to be so dominant.
But I cannot just simply let it all go. I need to dig into the roots of this long-held anger. I need to sit down and write out what I am feeling angry about, deep down, and really examine the origins and the causes of my anger issues. What fears have evoked this anger? Why do I feel so angry about the things I am angry about so deep down?
This will require some major meditation and soul searching, but I believe that the outcome makes it quite worthwhile. However, I also recognize that I am going to likely uncover some old wounds. I am angry about a number of long-ago matters, and living with them in the here-and-now will require me to expose them so that I can seal them up more permanently.
At the root of all anger is fear. I have written extensively about fear over the years, and I know that this particular journey will likely be gut-wrenching. I need to remember in the process that I do not need to be angry about all these things from my past, and I need to feel my anger, work through it, and replace it, not let it go. Replace it with forgiveness. Replace the anger with peace. Replace the anger with contentment.
That is the work ahead of me. Dig out the roots of the anger, examine the fears that generated it, feel it out, get to the why of it and then replace it with something more constructive. Letting it go has not let it go for me, so now the key is to replace it.
This is one of those fascinating obstacles along my path. But I have no doubt I can work my way through it. Thanks for being part of this journey.
Do you have unresolved fears and anger you haven’t gotten to the roots of?
GOAL LOG – Week 15:
Diet: I continue tracking my intake, and I’m seeing some improvement in choices and portions.
Exercise: Fencing happened but I only got to the gym 1 day. However I took at least twenty-minute walks on three days.
Writing: Six days of writing and editing.
Meditation: I spent at least 4 minutes meditating seven days last week.
Gratitude: I wrote out 5 things to be grateful for every day last week.
More progress.
This is the two-hundred twenty fifth entry in my series. These weekly posts are ideas and my personal experiences in walking along the path of life. I share this journey as part of my desire to make a difference in this world along the way.
Thank you for joining me. Feel free to re-blog and share.
The first year of Pathwalking, including some expanded ideas, is available here.
If you enjoy Pathwalking, you may also want to read my Five Easy Steps to Change the World for the Better.
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