Pathwalking 224
I am not a fraud.
Why am I stating this? Because I am sitting here in front of my computer, and struggling. What am I supposed to be writing about this week? What words of wisdom should I be sharing? Why do I feel like I am a big fat liar?
For over four years I have been writing about this notion of walking my own path and finding my own way in the universe. For over four years I have discussed ideas and means and methods and laid out plans and notions to take actions and make this happen. I want to live a life entirely of my choosing and not being forced to let life live me.
Why do I constantly feel like I am a liar? A failure? A fraud?
I think the answer is societal influences.
I am in my early forties. According to our society’s norm, I should be mid-career, established, doing the thing. I should probably have a kid or two, and I should be working on setting aside things for my eventual retirement.
Suffice it to say, that’s not me.
All my life I have tended to not quite do what was expected of me. As a teen I didn’t play along with my local Jewish community like everyone else did. I was never part of any “in” crowd. I chose to travel halfway across the country to attend college and I chose to major in a specialized artistic degree program.
Corporate America and I have never quite gotten along. I am a lousy drone – when I see a status quo that I find fault with I tend to want to fix it or work around it. I don’t like having to push for sales. I can work in a team perfectly well, but if my leader is inflexible I will likely butt heads with him or her if we’re not on the same page.
I have chosen to find alternate employment. I like small companies that need generalists who can do a ton of different things and switch gears quickly and easily. I like to use my creativity on any and every level I can. I like learning new and different things along the way.
However, because of this, I never stay in the same place for very long. Most of the time this has been due to my own need for change, my own restlessness. Sometimes I failed at the job and was let go. Sometimes I just got frustrated with an inability to advance or be creative or outright displeasure with what I was doing and left for hopefully greener grass and sunnier skies.
With two exceptions, I have never been at the same job for more than three years. I graduated college twenty one years ago. My resume is colorful, to say the least.
Based on what this society expects of a man my age, I often find that I feel like I am a failure. When I perform my volunteer job as a leader in a business community, I find that I feel like I am a fraud. When people look to me for advice I find that I sometimes feel like I am a liar.
However, I need to more readily accept that this is all untrue. Society is not whom I am living this life for. I need to be true to myself, and when I apply that to how I am seen I can view my successes.
I have written five complete novels and three novellas. I’ve gotten two short stories published and I have self-published two novels, a novella, and the first year of Pathwalking. I’m about to publish a third novel, and I am in the middle of two more. I have an idea for another story I am considering working on.
I blog twice a week regularly, sometimes more. I do basic tech support for friends, family and the job I’ve been with on-and-off for more than twelve years. In my hobby I have been recognized for the work I do and I teach my favorite game, and teach it well.
I may not be in a standard career earning a standard living like other men my age as society would expect me to be. But I AM making my own choices for my life, and since I began to really work with this and to walk paths of my own choosing I have never been happier. Of course I have moments of doubt, and feelings of inferiority, but in truth life is good. I have amazing friends and family who support my unconventional ways, and I live life true to who I am.
Yup, it’s imperfect. Yes, I am going to sometimes feel like I am flailing, failing, and unworthy. I alone can control how I feel, and I choose to not accept these feelings of being a lesser person.
I am not a fraud. I am not a failure. I am not a liar. I am the person I have chosen to be, and the genuine article as such. I am a success, albeit in an unconventional manner. I am not a liar, I make no bones about being the weird, geeky, odd-looking, unique individual I have become and continue to evolve.
I have set more active goals for myself this year. Through this I am seeing ways to adjust my life that will allow me to accept myself for who I am and who I am choosing to be, and to disregard feeling like I am letting anyone else down. I have chosen to work on finding and walking my own paths, and I need to not care what anyone else things of that. I alone feel how I feel, and if I allow any entity, person, or society affect that I can change it.
I am genuine, not a fraud. I am a success, not a failure. What you see is what you get, I am not a liar. I continue to work to better myself, and to take care of and be there for the people in my life.
Thanks for riding along on this crazy ride.
How do you feel about yourself?
GOAL LOG – Week 14:
Diet: I continue tracking my intake, and working to cut back just how much I am eating overall.
Exercise: Fencing happened and I got to the gym three times. I spent another day on my feet and running a whole bunch, too.
Writing: Four days of writing and editing.
Meditation: I spent at least 2 minutes meditating five days last week.
Gratitude: I wrote out 5 things to be grateful for every day last week.
Progress continues.
This is the two-hundred twenty fourth entry in my series. These weekly posts are ideas and my personal experiences in walking along the path of life. I share this journey as part of my desire to make a difference in this world along the way.
Thank you for joining me. Feel free to re-blog and share.
The first year of Pathwalking, including some expanded ideas, is available here.
If you enjoy Pathwalking, you may also want to read my Five Easy Steps to Change the World for the Better.
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