Pathwalking 119
Nobody wants to disappoint anyone else.
Just like all the other feelings, you cannot control whether someone is disappointed or not. Yet we all work incredibly hard to make certain we don’t upset and disappoint the people in our lives.
Whether friends, family, coworkers or even the Powers-that-be, we are all constantly striving not to disappoint. We change the way we approach things, we change our intentions, we shift our schedules and we sacrifice to avoid disappointment.
Not surprisingly, the person we usually disappoint is ourselves.
We have become so concerned about the impression we make on others, and working to not be a disappointment, usually the person we neglect the most is ourselves.
Disappointing ourselves is far more destructive than disappointing others. We don’t often see it this way because we are led to believe that it is in our best interest to not disappoint the people in our lives. We are certain that our purpose is to accommodate everyone else…so we inconvenience ourselves.
We make sacrifices. We change our plans, change our intentions, alter our goals in order to avoid disappointing other people.
If Pathwalking is about choosing our own paths, and controlling our lives, then isn’t working not to disappoint others the opposite?
I have no doubt this seems counter-intuitive. But you will discover that the more you disappoint yourself, the more you will wind up disappointing others.
Just like you can rely on no one but yourself to make yourself happy, and just like only you have control over how you feel; if you disappoint yourself you will likely disappoint others more.
Part of the problem we encounter is that we need other people. There are very few of us who prefer to simply be alone. We are social animals. We form groups, we create families, and these are usually among others who share some of our values, goals, ideas, or general view of the Universe. In order to keep those groups cohesive, we strive to not disappoint or be a disappointment to these people.
Welcome to a wonderful paradox. We do not want to disappoint or be disappointed, and there are certainly times that these will require actions that oppose one another. Choose to disappoint, or choose to be disappointed. What do you do?
I am writing of this due to personal experience. I am currently planning a life-event that requires a great deal of organization. Having shared aspects of the plans with various people, I have caused disappointment in that there is disagreement about what I want to do. Certain people believe that my choices are inappropriate, and they are causing conflict.
The question I am faced with is – disappoint myself, or disappoint others? If I accede to the disappointment of others, I will be in turn be disappointed. If I refuse, they will be displeased that I would not do right by them.
Who’s life is it, mine or theirs? I can’t please everyone all the time, and no matter what course of action I choose here, someone is bound to be disappointed. Should that someone be me? I have to go with no.
Selfish? I do not believe that is the case here. This presents the line in the sand we come to in avoiding disappointment. But if I am walking my own path, making my own choices, and accepting control of my own emotions – then why should I disappoint myself to avoid disappointing others?
If you compromise yourself, if you let others influence you when it comes to their feelings, you start down a slippery slope, and you will be constantly facing this challenge. While in this specific instance I do not believe I am being selfish, it is very possible anyone on the outside will see that I am.
Just as I cannot live your life for you, you cannot live my life for me. I cannot control when you feel disappointed in me, but I CAN control when I feel disappointment in myself or others. Pathwalking is about knowing this control and accepting that choice sometimes has a price outside of ourselves.
One alternative thought on disappointment. Given the paradoxical nature of this, sometimes disappointing others will actually show you where you will inevitably disappoint yourself. Analyze what it is that is causing the disappointment in the outside influencer, because it is possible they are seeing something you are missing. Follow no-one blindly, including yourself.
Shakespeare said it perfectly. “To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.”
How do you handle disappointment/disappointing others?
This is the one-hundred nineteenth entry in my series. These weekly posts are specifically about walking along the path of life, and my desire to make a difference in this world along the way. Thank you for joining me.
The first year of Pathwalking is available in print and for your Kindle.
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