Nobody Gets Me – And That’s Okay
Overcoming the desire for people to “get” me is ongoing.
I’ve spent a lot of my life trying to make an impression on people.
Some of those people are or have been close to me. Family, friends, coworkers, etc. Others have been far more removed. You might be among them.
Like most teenagers, I worked hard to “fit in” to this group or that. Mind you, I was never a popular kid – I was (and still am) a geek. Dork. Nerd. Take your pick. But in the circles that I traveled within – I worked hard for everyone to get me.
While many people stop trying so hard for people to “get” them after High School and college – I didn’t. I still tried in various ways to fit in and work to make people understand me and my ways.
Why? My single, greatest underlying fear has been abandonment. Almost certainly this comes from my parents’ divorce when I was 5. All my fears of failure, success, and everything else come back to abandonment.
I am not pointing fingers at my mom or dad – they did not abandon me, per se. But emotional detachment on my part went unnoticed because of them working on their lives at the time. And I didn’t figure this out for almost 30 years.
Still, because of the deep roots of this fear – I’ve worked hard to be understood. And yet, on many levels – nobody gets me.
This truth used to make me crazy. But more and more I am seeing how it’s perfectly okay. And I will explain why.
But first…
Defining “getting” me
Hi there. I am Murray “MJ” Blehart. Presently, I’m a full-time writer of sci-fi and fantasy novels as well as inspirational/life-lesson/mindfulness blogs. I am a geek – a lover of books, movies, music, TV, and technology – and a medieval reenactor. I’m notorious for puns, bad jokes, snide commentary, and insights into the human psyche. Overall, I strive to walk paths of my own choosing and be as real and true to myself as possible.
Thus, I don’t fit into the general definition of “normal.” And I’ve only revealed a very small picture of my whole self above.
Many people close to me do not understand my motivations, values, or beliefs. They cannot wrap their heads around various and sundry aspects of my core being – whether those aspects have any impact on them or not. Many of the choices I make they simply do not understand – even when I explain them.
I know, for example, that my mom loves me. But she hasn’t fully “gotten” me in years. As much as I know she’s proud of me – I also have not lived up to her ideal of me. Likewise, my in-laws don’t get me, either. They care about me and know my wife and I have a great relationship – but they don’t get me.
If I was more conventional, less geeky, following a more common path, and so on – maybe they would get me. But then I’d not be true to myself. And that’s more important than being someone for other people.
The masks I’ve worn
Before middle school, I was mostly an outsider. I had few friends, spent a lot of time by myself, and was pretty dorky. I remember hours alone in my backyard as a kid either making up my own adventures and using my swing-set as my starship – or creating new stories with my Star Wars action figures, vehicles, and playsets.
In Middle School, however, I found a way to help others “get” me. I put on masks that I knew would make other people want me around them.
I wore these different masks throughout high school and college. It was only in my late 20s that I began to wear my own face more frequently.
Then I got hit by a car and spent a year recovering. About 5 years after that, I started therapy with the best psychologist I’ve ever seen. Those experiences showed me that I had lost myself behind those masks.
When that happens – there will, eventually, be a reckoning. Not only does nobody get you when you reach that point – but neither do you “get” yourself.
People become lost in their jobs, their relationships, their children, their hobbies, and other matters that dominate their lives. Those become their masks – and eventually, they will come off for one reason or another. That will show them that they no longer get themselves.
I spent a lot of time focusing my life on the medieval reenactment society I play in. My persona became the mask I wore as frequently as possible. Then, for multiple reasons, that mask came off.
Who was I beneath my persona? Lost, directionless, endlessly seeking greener pastures. Not only did nobody get me – but I didn’t truly get me anymore.
When I changed my focus to better understand myself – my need to help others get me changed, too.
Nobody gets me – and that’s okay
Over the past decade-plus, I’ve worked to better “get” myself. To do this, I’ve been practicing practical mindfulness. That means actively working to be consciously aware of my thoughts, feelings, actions, and intentions while living in the here-and-now.
Instead of wearing different masks for different people and situations – I’ve been working on being as genuine and true to myself as possible. And while that means people don’t “get” me – I am okay with that.
Because I get me. I know who I am, what I desire to do, be, and have – and work on this regularly.
And that’s why it’s okay that nobody gets me. The only person who should fully get me is me. This is my life. The only person in my head, heart, and soul is ME. And the truth is, the person whom I spend the most time with is myself.
You are the only one inside your head, heart, and soul. That’s why it’s okay if you are the only one who gets you.
Does it truly matter if other people get us?
Yes and no. We do not exist in a vacuum. Everyone, even the most introverted among us, seeks human connection to one degree or another. I think it’s reasonable to say that we all would like at least ONE person to mostly get us.
And I do mean MOSTLY get us. Since I am the only one inside my head, heart, and soul – and likewise, you’re the only one in your head, heart, and soul – some things are beyond the understanding of others.
Rather than trying to force that information – or put on a mask and/or shift to someone other than our true selves – it’s good to accept that it’s okay when someone doesn’t get you. If they truly desire to – they’ll make an effort. If not – they might not be worth your time and energy just for some degree of understanding.
What matters most is when you get you. Because when you are your truest, most authentic, and genuine self – you’re most empowered.
When you are empowered, you can best assume control over your inner being. That lets you do, be, and experience life to its fullest.
Since I’ve accepted and embraced that it’s okay that people don’t get me – there are certainly still both good days and bad. But overall, I find being my most genuine self feels good. And I am most content to work on creating experiences to continue to make my life as amazing as possible. Whatever paths I choose.
It’s okay if nobody gets me. Because I get me. And it’s okay if nobody gets you – so long as you get you. What matters most, in the long run, is being your authentic, genuine, truest self. And you are worthy and deserving of that.
How do you work on “getting” yourself?
This is the five-hundred and sixth exploration of my Pathwalking philosophy. These weekly essays are ideas for – and my personal experiences with – mindfulness and walking along a chosen path of life to consciously create reality.
I share this journey as part of my desire to make a difference in this world along the way. Additionally, I desire to empower myself and my readers with conscious reality creation.
Thank you for joining me. Feel free to re-blog and share this.
The first year of Pathwalking, including expanded ideas, is available here. My additional writing, both fiction and non-fiction, are available here.
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