Is What We Think Other People Think About Us What We Secretly Think About Ourselves?
What do we know about how others think and feel – especially about us?
Even the most introverted people I know have interactions with other people along the way. Friends, family, coworkers, random strangers, and so on. No matter if you are an introvert, extrovert, ambivert, or uncategorized personality type, you do not exist in a bubble.
Because of this truth, to a greater or lesser degree, you desire to make an impression on people. This is wildly variable, situational, and dependent on the level of connect or disconnect involved. You might be attempting to make little to no impression at all. Maybe you have no interest in being seen or even noticed. Perhaps you desire to make a good impression. Maybe you are interviewing for a job, approaching a friend or loved one, or generally striving to be a good example and make that sort of impression.
It’s also possible that you’re actively striving to not make a bad impression. Perhaps you’re walking on eggshells with someone, working on a challenging or difficult project, or dealing with something negative that you would like to salvage or prevent from escalating.
No matter if you’re trying to make a good, bad, or none-impression on people, it’s human nature to impact others. Then, from that impact, you are prone to wonder what the impression you made was.
This is where it can and will all go off the rails.
The perils of understanding others
It’s incredibly important to recognize and acknowledge this fact: Only you are in your head. Thus, you, and only you, can think, feel, intend, and do for you. It’s especially important to recognize and acknowledge that nobody can think or feel for you.
This leads to the other incredibly important fact we must recognize and acknowledge: You cannot know what anyone else is thinking or feeling. Just like nobody but you can be in your head, you can’t be in anyone else’s head, either. They can’t think or feel for you, and you can’t think and/or feel for them.
Yet it’s a part of human nature to wonder what others think of us. We all have a deep-seated desire to know what impression we’ve made on him/her/them/etc.
This is where the wheels come off. That’s because, instead of being able to get into the thoughts and/or feelings of others, we make presumptions and assumptions about this. Some we base on little to no empirical evidence, some on pure conjecture, some on inference, and some on a combination of all these.
What’s more, it’s all too easy to let our own biases, prejudices, presumptions, and general approach and attitude to life be projected onto others. Before you know it, you’re not just guessing what sort of impression you make on someone, or what they think and what and how they feel about you – but you’re projecting your own concerns and secret negative beliefs about yourself onto them.
Is what we think other people think about us what we secretly think about ourselves?
Isn’t that a bit of a stretch maybe? Let’s break it down and see.
When you project anything on anyone else, it’s usually subtle and not obvious. Fear, anger, discontent, and similar things we project on others tend to be secret inhibitions, issues, or concerns we hold.
Why is this the case? Because you never know what anyone else thinks or feels. Since part of human nature tries to understand what and how others think and feel about us, we unintentionally project things onto them. For example, let’s say you send a text message to a friend. They don’t reply. You send another, and they still don’t reply. Eventually, you send a third. If they still don’t reply, now you begin to wonder.
Did I do something to offend them? Is there something going on with them I forgot about? Are they okay? Before long, you begin to project onto them what you think the answer to these or other questions like them might be. Depending on how long it takes them to answer, this can get increasingly insidious, concerning, and unpleasant.
Hence, it’s not much of a stretch to ask the question, is what we think other people think about us what we secretly think about ourselves?
The answer is, most likely, yes. Why? Because we think in paradox. I’m awesome/I suck. I’m the best/I’m the worst. That gets projected on nearly everyone we know. Our secret thoughts about ourselves will be part of anything and everything we project on others.
This leads to perhaps a more important question.
How often are they thinking about me?
Perhaps a more important question is, how often do you think about him/her/them? What’s more, when you do think about that other person, is that thought looking into the depths of who, what, where, how, and why they are? Or is it just surface matters unless you’re with them or talking to/texting them?
Most of the time your focus and attention is on your immediate surroundings. However, that doesn’t mean you are wholly and completely focused and attentive. In a world that encourages rote, routine, and habit, it’s incredibly easy to do something with only half or less of your attention on it.
So, where’s the rest of your attention? Probably on nonsensical nonsequiturs. You’re probably thinking about what to have for lunch, that song you heard on the radio, that show you watched last night, why your coworker always chews so loudly, what’s causing that itch on your ankle, how cute your cat was this morning, and on and on.
Most of the time we think little to nothing about other people. Likewise, I think most of the time, those we care about only think about us when we’re with them, or a plan is made/being made for when we next meet/talk/eat together/etc.
Yet, because of our inherent need for connection, we like to think that they are thinking about us. A lot. Yet, since we can’t and don’t know that, it’s a projection onto them that we make. That, in turn, can be based on what we secretly think about ourselves.
We often think the least well of ourselves
I don’t know about you, but some of the worst things anyone has said about me came from me. I’ve called myself lazy, a fatass, an idiot, an asshole, arrogant, selfish, loud-mouthed, and numerous even more uncomplimentary things.
If someone else said that to me, I’d probably be hurt and/or offended (unless, as is sometimes possible, there is truth behind it.) Even more, I have friends and loved ones who’d want to beat up that person for saying such meanspirited and nasty things to and about me.
The person who is most cruel towards me is me. It’s not much of a stretch for me to presume that the person most often cruelest towards you is you.
Hence, when you start to think about what another is thinking and/or feeling about you since you can’t know, you project. All things being equal, it’s often easiest to take what we secretly think about ourselves and project that onto how we think another thinks and feels about us.
When you pause and give this any consideration, I think it’s clear that yes, what we think other people think about us is what we secretly think about ourselves.
Is there anything we can do about this?
When it comes to knowing what and how anyone thinks and feels about you, there isn’t a damned thing you can do about it. Even if you ask them, the answer might not strike you as being right or might be unsatisfactory.
That doesn’t mean that there’s nothing we can do about this. However, all we can do is regulate our own analysis of how and what we think another is thinking about us.
What does that mean? It means that when you start to question what he/she/they think and feel about you, recognize and acknowledge that you simply do not know. Rather than dig into this via presumptions, assumptions, guesses, and suspicions, turn the focus on yourself.
Ask yourself, “What do I currently think and/or feel about myself?” This isn’t a selfish question because it’s about learning who, what, where, how, and why you are. Since you, and only you, can know this, who but you can answer it?
What’s more, what you secretly think about yourself becomes less secret when you ask yourself what you think about yourself. Before you reject that as crazy and backwards, consider this: When was the last time you asked yourself questions like Do I like myself? Am I a good person? Do the things I strive to do benefit myself and others?
Only by asking questions like this – mindfully, in the present, here and now – can you know what you secretly think about yourself. When you know that, you can identify if it’s true or not. Then you get to accept it or change it.
That is all that we can do about this. However, that’s quite a lot when you get down to it. Because you can only think and feel for you.
Can you see why it’s important to know yourself, and your thoughts and feelings?
This is the six-hundred and thirty-first (631) exploration of my Pathwalking philosophy. These weekly essays are my ideas for – and experiences with – applying mindfulness and positivity to walk along a chosen path of life to consciously create reality.
I share this journey as part of my desire to make a difference in this world and empower as many people as I can with conscious reality creation.
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