I’m Sorry – Yes, I F#*ked Up! Guess Who Is Beating Me Up the Most?
Spoiler alert – it’s me.
A few months back, in an attempt to offer a friend some encouraging perspective – I did exactly the opposite. I totally fucked up, caused my friend anxiety, self-doubt, and a host of other unpleasantness utterly the opposite of the intent of my words.
Immediately after, I was informed that I messed this up by a mutual friend. I apologized and explained my reasoning.
Now, months later, I learn it was so bad that it impacted my friend’s partner, and another mutual friend was asked to address me about this.
My intentions were good. But I can’t deny – and own up to – that I fucked up royally. With one careless statement – with no ill intent meant in the slightest – I upset a whole bunch of people.
I had no idea that this was happening, and deeply regret that I caused it.
And I don’t blame anyone involved for being upset with me, disappointed in me, discouraged by me, or otherwise pissed. I’m disappointed in me, discouraged by me, and pissed at myself for fucking up so royally and causing so much pain.
For someone who prides himself on usually being incredibly tactful, this was so very much the opposite of that. Tactless, unintentionally thoughtless, and frankly rather stupid of me.
The beatings will commence until morale improves
Please note – this is in no way, shape, or form me asking for sympathy. This is me admitting I fucked up, being accountable for my actions, and working through my grief, anger, and self-doubt.
Yes, grief. Because this was utterly not my intention with the words I said. Not in the slightest. And yet – it happened.
It’s done and over, and all I can do is apologize.
But wow, do I feel awful. Like, yeah, I felt bad when the first friend let me know I fucked up. Now? Now I feel terrible. Like, damn, what an asshole.
It was not my intention, and I can do nothing about how what I say impacts others. But I’m usually much better at considering all angles of statements I make than I clearly did this time.
Why am I sharing this? Because I both need to admit culpability publicly and work through the grief. I hope my actions didn’t ruin friendships.
Sometimes, I really need to remember to shut the fuck up.
Okay, so I can beat the ever-loving crap out of myself here. I can write all about the degree of misery I feel over this, how annoyed I am at myself for being so thoughtless, and go over and over again all the ways I fucked up.
And just for the fun of it – let’s start picking apart all the other fuck-ups of my life, shall we? All the ways I feel like this is just another sign that I am all the bad, terrible, hurtful things my brain weasels tell me that I am.
Or I can stop, take a breath, and do the only thing I can from here. Learn my lesson and move on.
Beating me up is not fun
I mean, maybe, if you’re someone not me beating me up, it IS fun. And hell, during fencing, when someone better than me is beating me, it can still be fun (unless I’m not giving my best or making my best effort).
But mentally, emotionally, and spiritually self-flagellating is no fun. Beating me up – on my own – also does me no good.
I can beat myself up all day and all night, lose sleep, and remind myself constantly about everything negative that I am or that I have done. Does that do a damned thing going forward? No.
I can offer apologies and seek ways to make amends now and going forward. That’s all that I can do externally.
Internally – I can learn a lesson. Do I know what I did wrong? Am I aware of how I did this thing? Will I take that into account so that I never make that mistake again?
Yes. Simply, candidly, yes. I get it. Lesson learned.
I’m going to still be mad at myself for a while – but me beating me up is the equivalent of beating a dead horse. All it does is rehash and recycle potentially endless negativity. All that does is disempower me. If I’m disempowered, do I truly learn from my mistake? Nope.
Letting go of what’s out of my control
Yes, I’m worried that many of my friends have lost respect for me because of this stupid thing I said. I also am concerned that they will trust me less, and want me around less.
Maybe all of the above is true. There’s nothing I can do about that. I will apologize to anyone else that I need to, offer what amends that I can – and that’s it.
How you feel about me is out of my control. It is what it is – and all I can do is be my best and do my best.
As one of my affirmations goes,
I give my best. I do my best. The thoughts and feelings of others are outside of my control.
This is the most challenging thing for me to do in my life in general. Due to all sorts of things not worth getting into here, I all too frequently seek validation from my peers. Acceptance. And I almost pathologically need approval from others.
Yet I know, intellectually, I don’t. But more than that, I know I have ZERO control over the thoughts and feelings of anyone else. It’s out of my control – one of so many things that are out of my control.
The other lesson from this – perhaps a more selfish lesson? – is that I need to stop letting things outside my control steal my focus and attention.
That mantra again:
I give my best. I do my best. The thoughts and feelings of others are outside of my control.
Me beating me up teaches me nothing
All that me beating me up does is keep me disempowered, derails me from any path I’m striving to walk, and teaches me nothing.
Life is constant learning. That’s probably the thing I love the most about it. I’m constantly learning. There are always new things to be learned about the world. But similarly – there are also always new things for me to learn about myself.
That’s because change is the only constant in the Universe. Ergo – who I am is constantly changing. And to recognize and acknowledge that requires learning.
Me beating me up is the equivalent of swallowing poison and hoping the metaphorical “other guy” learns his lesson while I suffer. It’s equally just as ludicrous and pointless.
Two lessons are my takeaway from this. The first and most important is to think before I speak – and think again, because I might not have thought it all through the first time. The second is to let go of what I don’t control – such as how anyone else thinks and/or feels (about me or anyone/anything else).
It’s not a fun lesson. And I still am going to feel bad about this for a long time. Nobody to blame, I alone fucked up here. But admitting that and being accountable for my actions is the most empowering thing I can do – for everyone involved.
When you fuck up, are you as good at beating yourself up as I am at beating myself up?
This is the six-hundred and fifth (605) exploration of my Pathwalking philosophy. These weekly essays are my ideas for – and experiences with – applying mindfulness and positivity to walk along a chosen path of life to consciously create reality.
I share this journey as part of my desire to make a difference in this world and empower as many people as I can with conscious reality creation.
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