I’m Not Responsible for How You Feel
It’s nearly impossible not to come across as callous for this.
I work hard not to be an asshole. This isn’t so much about me, as far as I’m concerned, as it is about being kind, compassionate, and empathetic. The world needs more kindness, compassion, and empathy; and giving them all comes with zero cost. This is what matters most.
That said, sometimes my words and actions cause hurt. I never set off with the intent of doing this, but it still happens.
The thing that’s often most frustrating about this is that I’m not responsible for how you feel. It’s not my responsibility to manage your feelings, good, bad, or otherwise.
That sounds cold and callous, I know. But it’s still utterly true, and I think important to recognize.
It’s all too easy to blame someone for hurting you. While it takes two to tango, and you can and will feel hurt due to actions by another, they’re not responsible for that. Not unless they blatantly, intentionally, with malice of forethought set out to hurt you.
When you feel hurt because of something happening on the part of another person, they are not responsible for how you feel.
Initial reactions happen
When something happens there is an initial, often visceral reaction. It will vary depending on what, where, how, when, and many other circumstances. No matter what the happening is, you will react to it in an automated manner.
This will also vary, even if it’s similar to a prior experience. Thus, when you get dumped, your initial reaction might be anger. That anger might be ice cold this time, while it was red hot last time. Or maybe this time, there’s not anger but instead relief. Perhaps you were looking for an out, too.
How you react is built into your psyche via experience, environment, situation, circumstance, and lots more. For the most part, that initial reaction, at the moment of whatever happens, simply will be and is. You can’t do anything to alter it in the moment.
However, once the moment of the happening passes, now you can take control. For example, let’s say you get into a car accident. It’s utterly the other person’s fault. Your initial reaction might be rage. How dare they? You might have visions of beating them bloody swimming through your head.
Likely, this (hopefully) won’t be how you handle it when you speak to the malefactor. Your initial visceral reaction is replaced with a less destructive approach, and might even turn to something wholly different, especially if you learn that the dear, sweet grandma, who caused the accident, was stung by a bee, causing her to lose control.
The point is that after your initial reaction, which just happens, you have the power to take control of how you feel. Your feelings, after any initial reaction, are in your control. Hence, if I do something that has upset you, I’m not responsible for how you feel.
I’m not responsible for how you feel
I am a human being. Hence, I fuck up from time to time. There are also times when I think I’ve chosen my words with care, but then, given the reaction produced, learn that this might not be so.
Ergo, I can cause you to feel hurt. Or upset, angry, disappointed, disillusioned, frustrated, excited, joyful, or who-knows-what. My actions or inactions, words, and deeds will produce an initial reaction in you. That’s automated.
Once that moment in time has passed, however, you can choose if you control your feelings or if your feelings will control you. All of that is yours to decide. So, while something I did or didn’t do sparked that initial reaction, the feeling that remains is yours to choose.
Hence, I’m not responsible for how you feel.
This is not, however, a hall pass to be an asshole, treat others poorly, withhold kindness, compassion, and empathy, or intentionally do hurtful things. The whole movement of “fuck your feelings” is built on this false idea that “not responsible” means you also get to be unaccountable. That, however, isn’t so.
I might not be responsible for how you feel, but I’m still accountable for my actions/inactions/words, and so on. It’s vitally important to be mindful of this. Intent matters and accountability is recognizing your role in any given situation.
You’re not responsible for how I feel
This is very much a two-way street. I’m not responsible for how you feel and you’re not responsible for how I feel. It’s as simple as that.
The “fuck your feelings” crowd tends to be especially fragile and easily offended. That’s because of that lack of recognition of responsibility and accountability within them. You give what you get. If I actively choose to be an asshole, then it should come as no surprise when I get that back.
If you withhold or deny kindness, compassion, and empathy from others, it should come as no surprise when that’s what you get in return. This is how the universe works. Balance. Yin and yang. Paradox. What you put out is what you get back.
However, if something happens that causes an immediate initial reaction in me, what comes after is mine to control or be controlled by. So, if you do something to me that makes me feel hurt, and I hold onto that hurt, you’re not responsible for how I feel, are you? The reverse is true, too.
How do you address this and work with it?
Accountability and mindfulness
The world at large would be a much better place if we were all more accountable. Think about it. Wouldn’t it be great if blatant liars, criminals, and bad actors were held accountable for their words and deeds? We’d all live with a lot less paranoia, fear, and anger. But lack of accountability is a tool for perpetuating this fear-based society.
However, when it comes to you and your life, this is a choice. Accountability begins with recognition. See what happened? Recognize it. Then, acknowledgment. You must acknowledge your role, even if it is uncomfortable to do so (arguably, especially when it’s uncomfortable to do so).
Once you’ve recognized and acknowledged, making yourself accountable, you can apply active conscious awareness to be mindful. Ask yourself what you’re thinking, what and how you’re feeling, what your intentions are, if your approach is positive or negative, and what your actions are or aren’t. When you identify these in the moment, the present, you gain the power to assume control and change them accordingly.
You alone are responsible for how you feel. Likewise, I alone am responsible for how I feel. Accountability and mindfulness reveals this and empowers you and me to take charge of what we do from there.
Maybe this isn’t so cold or callous on closer examination. What do you think?
This is the six-hundred-sixty first (661) exploration of my Pathwalking philosophy. These weekly essays are my ideas for – and experiences with – applying mindfulness and positivity to walk along a chosen path of life to consciously create reality.
I share this journey as part of my desire to make a difference in this world and empower as many people as I can with conscious reality creation.
Thank you for joining me. Feel free to re-post and share this.
The first year of Pathwalking, including expanded ideas, is available here. Check out Amazon for my published fiction and nonfiction works.
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