How Do I Get and Stay Out of My Way More Regularly?
I know that it starts with recognizing what it looks like to get in my way.
Self-sabotage is just one piece of an intricate puzzle.
I am that puzzle. And that is complex because who I am now is both made of and not made of who I was in the past. Then, to complicate that, who I could be can only come from now and not who I was in the past. Lessons learned in the past can be taken to the future – but that’s all.
As I analyze my life here and now, I feel very much like something is in my way. Something is creating an obstruction that I then find myself prone to trip or stumble over.
Yes, as the title says – that something is me, myself, and I.
As my study of the causes of self-sabotage has been rather focused over the past few weeks, I’ve learned new ways to move beyond it. Thanks to Gary John Bishop’s books, I am working with a new perspective and approach.
The short of it is this: The conclusions that I have drawn along the way about myself, other people, and life are the root of how I self-sabotage. Since they are conclusions – and thus, as “conclusion” states, the ending – there’s no point in working to change, alter, or otherwise undo this. They are elements of the past.
Thus, I need to work in the here and now to move forward.
But that’s where the new challenge arises. Here and now – I feel like I am still getting in my way.
What does that even mean?
Let’s use a real goal that I have in mind for myself. I’d like to drop my weight below 200lbs. With that, I’d like to experience the corresponding lessening of my gut and dropping a couple of sizes in the waistband of my pants. All this by my 50th birthday.
It is not unreasonable – and I have just over 5 months, now, to do it. I’m currently 260lbs. To get to 200lbs, that’s 12 pounds a month – which is 3 pounds a week. That’s challenging, but not outside of being doable.
Right. I see the goal. And there are a lot of very good reasons for me to reach it.
I’m tired of this flabby body. It would be nice to take some pressure off my knees. The time to replace essential clothing – boxers and t-shirts – is coming, and I would like to buy them a size or two smaller. I know that this only gets harder as I get older, and I’d like to hit 50 in much better shape physically.
The largest obstacle to this is me.
I know what I need to do. Focus on more exercise. Get back into practicing, actively, the Mediterranean diet habits. Stop eating for comfort. Cut out sugar and cut way back on carbs. Stay a little hungry.
Food has always been a source of comfort for me. And, shame, too. There’s a lot that goes into this, and the history is long and arduous. Despite the desire to change, I get in my way and stay here.
Why am I in my way?
There is a familiarity that breeds contempt. It’s my comfort zone.
I’ve been overweight more-or-less all my life. Why? Probably a defense mechanism of some sort. There is comfort in this familiar and flabby (but also rather muscular, frankly) body.
There is also the added bonus of being special. Yeah, short fat guy here – who can run at times, fences with grace, balance, flexibility, and speed that belies my size. Out-of-shape in appearance – but my resting heart tends to live in the low to mid-60s and my blood pressure is perfectly normal.
There is a freakish sense of comfort in how that makes me special. Like I revel in the abnormality of my existence.
But I know I can be better than this. And if I can get out of my way and tackle this obstacle – I believe I’ll be better able to tackle other obstacles in the paths before me.
It’s funny – on the one hand, I desire deeply to change. On the other hand, I am in my way because a part of me, subconsciously, resists change. And I know that until I act to get out of my way this cycle will just keep repeating.
Like it has for most of my life.
Don’t misunderstand – I am not complaining about my life. Thus far, my life has been amazing on lots and lots of levels. But there has been a recurrent theme of nearly, almost, not-quite-there. And I’m tired of that cycle and know it’s because whenever I can turn from this path to another I get in my way and prevent that.
But why? Fear. Fear of success that masks fear of abandonment that masks my real fear – that my self-sabotaging conclusions have been right all along.
Self-sabotage conclusions
In his brilliant book, Stop Doing That Sh*t: End Self-Sabotage and Demand Your Life Back, Gary John Bishop suggests that self-sabotage is born of three conclusions made in our lives and held in our subconscious. They center on ourselves, other people, and life.
On analysis, my 3 conclusions are:
- I am not worthy
- People are capricious and inconsistent
- Life is an unfair uphill battle.
Having concluded thusly, I self-sabotage to remain right about these.
Growing up, I got a lot of messages about how people judge you based on your appearance. I still carry that with me, and it ties into the notion of people being inconsistent. Of course, weight loss and getting into shape are constantly up against the notion of life being an unfair uphill battle. And if I have concluded I’m not worthy, then it makes perfect sense to remain here.
That’s no roadblock – it’s just me, in my way, arms crossed and staring me down. Go back the way you came. In fact, take the long road.
Self-sabotage at its finest.
So – how in the hell do I get and stay out of my way? I’ve done it before. How do I do it more regularly?
How do I get and stay out of my way more regularly?
If I had a definitive answer, I presume I’d be doing it. But that’s a defeatist attitude. And as mentioned above – I have done this before. The question is one of regularity.
I know I need to be decisive and take conscious action. Since self-sabotage and getting in my way are subconscious acts – I must be more diligent in being mindful. Consciously aware.
I think that will look something like this:
- Be here, now. Start in this moment and don’t begin by rehashing the past and starting from there. Past has passed – and only in the now can I do anything with and for then.
- Recognize and acknowledge self-sabotage. Don’t ignore them – I can’t. But if I am mindful of them – I can overcome them via conscious awareness.
- Stay mindful. I need to make the time to go for my walks, get back to the gym, and avoid the chocolate, the pizza, and all the other comfort foods I overindulge in. That’s not to say I should cut them entirely – but I need to make them special, once-in-a-blue-moon treats.
- Be more mindful. Stick to regular journaling. Track food and exercise. Be an active participant on my path.
- Forgive the slip-ups. I am going to miss days of exercise, eat like crap, and utterly fail from time to time. If I don’t forgive that – it will put me in my way before I know it. Nobody is perfect – let it go and move on.
Finally – this starts now. Not later, not the first of the month, not tomorrow. NOW. I must commit my conscious awareness to mindfulness – or I know I’ll soon find myself in my way. Again. Then, it must be repeated continually.
Pretty words. Now, time for action.
Do you ever find yourself getting in your way?
This is the five-hundred and thirty-sixth exploration of my Pathwalking philosophy. These weekly essays are my ideas for – and experiences with – using mindfulness and positivity to walk along a chosen path of life to consciously create reality.
I share this journey as part of my desire to make a difference in this world and empower as many people as I can with conscious reality creation.
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