Working With Conflicting Emotions?
I am holding onto a lot of conflicting emotions that do not serve me.
There is a great deal of anger, resentment, fear, and other negative feelings built up inside me. Even after all this time, knowing like I do that consciousness creates reality, like attracts like, and low vibe draws more low vibe, I am holding onto exactly what I do not need.
The conflicting emotions originate from a few different places. All of them are my own reaction to outside stimuli, little to none of which is inside of my control.
Mentally, I know this. I can reason it out. The logic is infallible. But then when it comes down to emotion, and the actual feelings persisting within me, that’s another story. I find I am holding onto a lot of negativity. As a result, I am not feeling positive, and even with all the tools I have and the years of writing about this topic, I am not succeeding at releasing my conflicting emotions.
This is, in many ways, rather ironic. Why? Because when I was younger, I was largely not very good at doing anything with regards to emotions. I knew, logically, what they should feel like…but seldom actually could feel them. I touched upon negative emotions more than positive ones then, but overall any talk of emotions on my part was lip service to the concept.
Recognizing that I am currently working with conflicting emotions, what can I do? I have written time and again about the choice that is inherent in how we feel. Ergo, I get to choose if I want to continue to feel this way…or if I want to do something about it, and change it.
Identifying the Source of the Conflicting Emotions – From Without
So where does this come from? Currently, I have narrowed this down to three main sources. The first is way, way out of my control.
Not to put too fine a point on it – but –President Trump is a treasonous, self-serving, classist, racist, homophobic, narcissistic ass, single-handedly ruining our nation’s standing in the world. As if that were not enough, Congress, a check in place to balance him, is doing nothing to stop him. And they, too, are self-serving, heartless, money-grubbing assholes for the most part.
It is upsetting, depressing, enraging, and disheartening to continue to witness. I can blog about it, participate in protests, work on being a light in the dark, and most importantly VOTE in the midterms and all other elections. Aside from that…this is all outside of my control.
The second source is familial. It’s a mix of misunderstanding, differences of opinion, poor communication, and a frequently delayed solution that is outside of anyone’s control at this point. There is resentment, anger, accusations of selfishness on all sides, and a lot of deep-seated emotions.
This sort of disagreement is upsetting, depressing, infuriating, and overall unfortunate. Apart from striving to keep the peace and remembering that despite our disagreements we are family, and we love one another as such, this is out of my control.
Identifying the Source of the Conflicting Emotions – From Within
The third source is me. I look at everything that I have done up to this point in my life. My actions, inactions, mistakes, triumphs, successes and failures, and still question everything. Despite choosing a path of my own making, I still frequently question it. I feel unworthy and undeserving of abundance, prosperity, and success. There is still an underlying fear that I will be found-out to be a fake, no matter what aspect of my life I present – yes, this is imposter syndrome of which I write.
As my friends often postulate – feelings are stupid. They get in the way of action. Except, of course, they are a necessary aspect of manifestation through conscious reality creation.
The only thing I can control is how I feel. So if I choose to feel bad, if I am choosing to hold onto emotions that do not serve me, whether they are about me or someone else, this is on me.
Ergo, it is wholly up to me to fix this.
Working Out the Conflicting Emotions
I know what they are. I know where they originate. The challenge now is to work this out.
Logically, I know that I can control how I feel. Yes, there are things that happen that are from without, which will cause a feeling to come forth. Often, this is legitimate. Getting angry about the government, and feeling displeased with my family are a part of cause and effect. However, how I deal with them, and how long I hold onto these feelings is entirely my decision.
Do I want to let anger, sadness, rage, annoyance, depression and other negative feelings dominate my thoughts? Or do I choose to release them, and give thought to better outcomes? It is a decision wholly mine to make. And I always have the option to change my decision…or, as I have done in the past, decide not to decide at all.
Indecision is a choice. I may decide not to choose, but that’s still a choice. Frankly, it’s not a very helpful choice to make.
Logically, I know what I need to do. But I think everyone knows that releasing deep, conflicted emotions is easier said than done. I need to act.
Every manifestation is a product of thought, feeling, and action. The thought is, I want to release this conflicting emotion. What I need to feel is how much lighter and unburdened I feel when it is released. To do that, I need to be in the now. This is so simple, but so complicated.
Much, if not all of the conflict comes from past and future thoughts. “If you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the present.” – Lao Tzu.
The Present Can Address Conflicting Emotions
The action I need to take is to be aware. I need to be present, in the here-and-now, rather than depressed about the past and anxious about the future.
To let go, I need to focus on the here-and-now. There is no conflict in the now. Knowing that, I have the opportunity to change, and hopefully repair my emotional state. That is the action to be taken. Be present, here-and-now – just BE.
How do you handle conflicting emotions?
This is the three-hundred forty-second entry in my series. These weekly posts are ideas for, and my personal experiences with, walking along the path of life. I share this journey as part of my desire to make a difference in this world along the way.
Thank you for joining me. Feel free to re-blog and share.
The first year of Pathwalking, including some expanded ideas, is available here.
After more than 6 years of Pathwalking, I have launched a Patreon to garner support for these works, and more.
