A Not-So-Bitter Pill to Swallow
Releasing a long-time fear isn’t the bitter pill I thought it might be.
For most of my life, the opinions of others have been of the utmost importance to me. I’ve sought approval, recognition, and generally being liked.
More and more, though, it’s become increasingly evident to me that this doesn’t matter. At least, not in the way I tend to emphasize it.
What do I mean? The short answer is that the opinions of others are not what makes MY life. My life belongs to me.
That’s an oversimplification. Allow me to elaborate.
Many people in my life care about me. Some are family, some friends. I know that they have my best interests at heart.
Yet they don’t approve of many of my choices. They pass judgment that I make poor choices that are unrealistic and foolish on my part.
For most of my life – I cared about this. I don’t like when my friends and family disapprove of me and my choices. Thus, I’ve been conflicted because of this.
How? Because I feel bad and guilty for all the ways that I am letting the people who care about me down. Then, I sometimes take that in and second-guess my decisions. Are they right? Am I foolish for pursuing this path?
This leads to bad places. I start to doubt myself, my choices, my decisions. That doubt causes me to fear that I’m failing – and am a failure as such. That starts me down a rabbit hole of self-pity, depression, anger, and overall disempowerment.
When confronted with this for the umpteenth time the other day, I had a very different reaction. That caused an unexpected cascade effect that I’m still wrapping my head around.
The not-so bitter pill
A member of my family considers me somewhat of a bad influence on their children. Why? Because instead of towing the family line to help keep the kids on the track envisioned for them – I encourage them. I tell them to follow their dreams and make no apologies for that. It’s what I am doing.
But what that family member sees is different. While I cannot be certain – because I am not in their head – this is what I believe they think: The path I am following is fraught with uncertainty. The money I bring in is insufficient for sustainability – and my continued insistence on this is unrealistic. I’m a dreamer on an impractical path. I am not, as such, a good role model for the kids.
This family member is not alone in their view of me and my path. Though they express it differently, other members of my family feel the same. My choices do not live up to me in one form or another that they would most approve of.
This knowledge – which is not new to me – has set me off in the past. I got down on myself, upset, doubtful, and that made me question everything.
This time, however, I had a very different reaction.
Okay. That’s how they feel. So be it.
Whose life is it anyway? Mine. Does it truly matter if they approve? No.
I expected such a realization to be a bitter pill to swallow. But it’s not. Instead, it’s proving to be quite freeing. Now, I’ve cleared an obstacle from my path that could have further positive repercussions.
Releasing fear
Why has the approval of others mattered to me as much as it has? Fear.
I have had a long-standing fear of abandonment. It’s a fear that tends to be the root of my more immediate and readily identifiable fears of failure and success.
To clarify – I’m afraid that if I succeed, my success will drive everyone away and I will ultimately be abandoned. Conversely, I’m afraid that if I fail, my failure will drive everyone away and I will ultimately be abandoned.
Expanded further, all the things I fear land at abandonment.
Realistically, I know that some people might well abandon me if I succeed or if I fail. But truth be told – change is inevitable. Whether I like it or not, change is always happening and is the only constant in the Universe.
People leave you for many reasons. Some by choice – others not. Friendships change and shift. We relocate and lose touch. Disagreements cause divisions. Friends, family, and loved ones die.
It’s true that, when all is said and done, I might be all alone. But as much as I love the connections I have with the people I care about – I know that I always have myself.
That’s not a selfish nor egotistical statement. It’s a statement of fact. The only person who has ever been and will ever be in my head, heart, and soul is ME. Nobody else is here with me. And that’s true for EVERYONE.
This frightens people. It appears lonely. But as I swallowed this not-so bitter pill and felt no distress as I have in the past – a new truth occurred to me.
I know myself, I have myself – and that empowers me.
No longer avoiding a bitter pill
Releasing the fear of abandonment empowers me. Since those connections to others are always changing – new ones can be made. And at my core – I know who, what, where, and why I am.
This is not a license to paddle the douchecanoe and treat people poorly. Compassion, kindness, and empathy matter – because giving them is a reflection of how we desire to receive them.
I thought that this would be a bitter pill to swallow. But it’s not. It’s rather sweet. I can see now that all the ways in which I’ve held myself back in the name of the approval of others have factored into my self-sabotage.
Releasing that fear of abandonment and the incessant need for approval shows me that they all care. They don’t get me – but that’s okay because they don’t need to.
Without the fear of suffering that would result from abandonment – I am feeling freer, stronger, and more capable. I am on the right path – it’s just not an easy one. But I can and will pursue this path and those that may come with and after it without fear.
Releasing a long-time fear isn’t the bitter pill I thought it might be. Instead, it’s cleared an enormous obstacle from all the paths I choose – and provided clarity on multiple levels.
I wonder if there are other possibly bitter pills I’ve been avoiding that I should take?
I’m excited to see where this next goes to.
Are there bitter pills you’ve been avoiding that might not be so bitter?
This is the five-hundred and seventh exploration of my Pathwalking philosophy. These weekly essays are ideas for – and my personal experiences with – mindfulness and walking along a chosen path of life to consciously create reality.
I share this journey as part of my desire to make a difference in this world along the way. Additionally, I desire to empower myself and my readers with conscious reality creation.
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The first year of Pathwalking, including expanded ideas, is available here. My additional writing, both fiction and non-fiction, are available here.
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