What Internal BS is Blocking Me This Time?
Something in my head, buried deep, is holding me back.
There are two reasons I write these explorations into mindfulness, nontoxic positivity, conscious reality creation, and the like. The first is to share these ideas, put the notions out into the universe in plain language so that I can help others discover a different approach to life, the universe, and everything. Too many forces in the world want to keep us small, and anything I can do to address this feels right for me.
The second reason is for myself. On the one hand, these practices, applied mindfulness via active conscious awareness, are easy. However, on the other hand, they’re really not. That’s because there are forces both within and without offering Resistance when I strive to live a life of my choosing.
The external forces I face are the same ones that you and everyone else faces. Bad actors, economics, negativity, fear, a world seemingly going mad. If I allow myself to doomscroll social media, I become despondent all too quickly. Being mindful and not allowing my subconscious to drive can be challenging.
I’ve been writing about my Pathwalking philosophy for 751 consecutive weeks. That’s 14.44 YEARS now. Since I started to walk my talk as well, I’ve evolved into a calmer, more considered, less angry, less scared person. Yet the old fears, the version of myself afraid of failure, success, and abandonment, will find various ways to come back out. This is blocking me from paths I desire to take and has for practically all my life.
What’s the source of this?
Wring out the sponge
The subconscious mind is where memory, habit, rote, and routine live. More than that, it absorbs everything you take in via your senses, things you hear, see, smell, touch, and taste. Like a sponge, it’s super-absorbent. And like a sponge, when you don’t wring it out or rinse it clean, it gets nasty.
What does that mean? The subconscious mind-sponge has no filter. It absorbs everything, and in time, uncleaned, that can create a really nasty mess. The beliefs of others you encounter can seep into it, muck it up, and clash with your own beliefs. But more than that, old beliefs, values, and habits you might not want anymore will linger when you don’t check in, wring out, or rinse your subconscious mind.
Too many forces in the world want you unaware. Hell, that’s the point of the whole anti-woke bullshit. If you’re asleep at the switch, letting your subconscious do the work, you’re more pliable and easier to influence.
Active conscious awareness isn’t just about knowing who, what, where, how, and why you are, here and now. It’s not just about being in the now, awake and aware, and making choices and decisions about your life. It also lets you wring out and rinse your subconscious mind-sponge. You gain the ability to look within and find the connections between memory, value, belief, and more.
And then you can change them. Or not.
What’s blocking me is something in my subconscious I need to wring and/or rinse out.
What’s blocking me this time?
I have a long and complicated history with my mental, emotional, and spiritual health. Over the years, I’ve been in and out of therapy, taken antidepressants, used mindfulness and meditation to combat depression, and addressed it in multiple ways.
One thing I’ve become absolutely certain of is that everything in the universe, at its core, is energy. Energy vibrates at various frequencies, the higher being positive and the lower being negative. When your energy flows freely, you experience good health, wellness, and wellbeing. But sometimes things block the flow. That’s what I mean by my internal bullshit blocking me. Something in my subconscious is interrupting the free flow of my energy.
This is as hooky-spooky as I’ll get on this topic. But it’s important to understand what the idea of “this is blocking me” means. Something inside of me is holding me back, keeping me from stepping fully out of my comfort zone and keeping me smaller/lesser than I desire to be.
A couple of important matters of note here. This is not about blaming anyone or anything; this is just data: My parents divorced when I was 5 or 6. Love from many people in my life was, at times, conditional rather than unconditional. I’m missing a whole bunch of my childhood memories. With one of my past therapists, I learned that I didn’t need them to be found to make me whole. Instead, I needed to be aware of them because I erased them as a trauma response. Everyone handles trauma differently. Hence, I erased various painful past memories.
For multiple reasons, I’ve made choices in life to be less than my true self. This was another trauma response of a kind. This has been part of keeping myself small/lesser.
Still with me? Allow me to elaborate.
The meaning of life is to live
New analysis of my current mindset/headspace/psyche self is showing that something along this line – choices made to be smaller/lesser – is what’s blocking me. Various things that occurred in my past, which caused me to shrink myself in one way or another, are blocking me today.
What the hell does that mean? Something happened in the past that created a trauma. In my case, it was mental/emotional/spiritual. From the trauma, I chose to be less me in some way. Maybe I hid my true knowledge, I might have played the clown to be more likeable and desirable as a friend, or I did something to keep myself how I thought others wanted me to be.
For some, similar events become triggers that they seek to avoid. I, however, believe that the meaning of life is TO LIVE IT. Living life means experiencing all the wonders both within and without life has to offer. And sometimes those are bad, painful, and negative. But without negativity, you can’t have or know positivity.
I desire to live this life as fully and completely as possible. When I find that something energetically within me is blocking me, I desire to address it and clear it. Or bypass it. Whatever it takes to find and deal with the BS that’s blocking me so I can be who, what, where, how, and why I ultimately desire to be.
That way, I can live life as fully as possible.
Why am I sharing the exploration of what’s blocking me?
You might use different terms for this notion. Perhaps you have similar issues that I do with being your most authentic, genuine self. Everyone has at least some trauma, and how we deal with it varies wildly.
I’m sharing examining the internal bullshit that’s blocking me, with you, because I want you to know you’re not alone. Everyone struggles from time to time. We all deal with it in different ways. But you’re not the only one, and I think it’s good to let you know you’re seen.
It feels incredibly lonely to be in your own head. But, truth is, you’re always there, and always on your own there. You, and only you, are in your head, heart, and soul. Nobody else can enter; they can only tag along and be an external part of you.
This is not a terrible thing. But learning to use mindfulness to look within and gauge your subconscious self is how you can be your most authentic, genuine, balanced, living-your-life-to-the-fullest self.
Despite the apparent madness of the world around us, this is not selfish or otherwise unkind. Not unless you act selfishly and unkindly. In fact, being your most authentic, genuine self lets you give more kindness, compassion, and empathy to yourself and others.
The world can use all the kindness, compassion, and empathy we can give it right now.
Last, but not least: You are worthy and deserving of who, what, where, how, and why you desire to be. Because life is meant to be lived, you deserve to live it as fully as possible.
I’m exploring what internal bullshit is blocking me. Have you looked into the things that keep you less than you desire/deserve to be?
This is the seventh-hundred-fifty-first (751) exploration of my Pathwalking philosophy. These weekly essays are my ideas for – and experiences with – applying mindfulness and positivity to walk along a chosen path of life to consciously create reality.
I share my philosophy because I desire to make a difference in the world and help as many people as I can to find their empowerment with conscious reality creation.
Thank you for joining me. Feel free to share and/or repost where it might do good for you and others.
The first year of Pathwalking, including some expanded ideas, is available here.
Also, please check out my author website for the rest of my published fiction and nonfiction works.
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