They Might Call You Selfish, But Are You?

Genuine selfishness is very specific.

A man lounging on a couch drinking a beer. Not selfish. — *Photo by Christian Buehner on Unsplash*

When you look in the mirror, who is looking back at you? That would be you. Who is inside your head, heart, and soul with you? Nobody is in the depths of you but you yourself.

You are the only you that there is. Nobody else can be you. There is nobody who can occupy your body, head, heart, or soul, but you. Even when you allow a friend, family member, or loved one to have some access to your heart and soul, they only get what you give them and no more.

Of course, you already know this. Sometimes you might neglect it and pay it little to no attention. But you always know it.

There are several other truths that you know but likely only subconsciously consider.

You alone can decide what you think, what and how you feel, your intentions, the positivity or negativity of your approach, and any actions you do or don’t take.
Only you can choose and decide what you do with the above.
Nobody else can run your life for you.

This one is distressing but too important to ignore:

You will die someday.

Given all of the above, do you take time for self-care? Do you make time to treat yourself to simple things that allow you to recharge your battery? Will you give kindness and compassion to yourself?

For many people, the answer is seldom. To some degree, this is because modern society expects you to be in a near-constant state of GO GO GO. But to some degree, odds are that you practice insufficient self-care for fear of looking selfish.

Defining selfishness

In a world of too many false equivalencies, selfishness is one of the most overused and abused. This is because people are judgmental. Sometimes this is without malice, other times it’s mean, and still other times it’s merely part of gossip or conversation between people.

So, let’s address the elephant in the room: What is selfishness?

Genuine, authentic, actual factual selfishness is an action you take that you willfully acknowledge will hurt/harm another. (IMPORTANT NOTE: That is not hurt/harm someone’s feelings due to their interpretation of your actions. This is willfully hurt/harm via malice of forethought.)

For example, let’s say there are a dozen cookies. You are one of a dozen people being offered those cookies. Rather than take 1 and leave 1 for everyone else, you take 3. You know full well that you are keeping 2 people from getting a cookie but take 3 for yourself, anyhow. That is genuine, authentic, actual factual selfishness.

See the politicians and business leaders who take and take and give nothing back? That’s selfishness in action.

Now that we’ve defined this, let’s look at the abuse of selfishness.

A person pausing to watch the Northern Lights. Not selfish. — *Photo by Dre Erwin on Unsplash*

They might call you selfish, but are you?

Unless you are committing a hurtful/harmful act with malice of forethought, you’re not selfish.

Setting boundaries for your mental, emotional, spiritual, and/or physical health? Not selfish. Saying no to something you don’t want to do? Not selfish. Turning off your phone and taking time to yourself to breathe? Not selfish. Ending a relationship that no longer makes you happy or leaves you feeling content? Not selfish. Quitting a job you don’t like? Not selfish. Choosing to spend time with someone you genuinely desire to spend time with over someone you feel obligated to? Not selfish.

Most of the above, to anyone who’s not you – but might be impacted by those actions – might be called selfish. Know this: THEY ARE NOT SELFISH.

If you do not care for your health – all of your health, including mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual – you’ll get sick. When you are unwell in any of these areas the others are impacted. When you are out of energy, physically or psychologically, not giving yourself the means to recharge will lead to breaking down and becoming unwell.

Hence, all the above notions someone outside of you might call selfish are not. Why? Because you are the only you that there is. You alone can care for yourself, your life, your health, wellness, wellbeing, and so on.

The big hurdle most of us get to face in light of this is guilt and shame.

Feelings of guilt and shame

If you knowingly commit a selfish act, such as taking too many cookies or voting for someone who will hurt people you love, you should feel guilt and shame. Unfortunately, most who commit genuinely selfish acts via malice of forethought don’t feel guilt or shame unless they are called out and/or pay a price for their actions.

When you feel guilt and shame because you set boundaries or practice self-care, this is probably based on how you fear others will perceive you. It’s also an excellent sign that you are not committing a willful, malicious act of genuine selfishness.

You cannot control how others think, feel, intend, approach life, or act. There’s nothing you can do to prove that your acts of self-care aren’t selfish. Any guilt or shame that comes from this is because you have good intentions and don’t desire to cause hurt/harm.

When you find yourself feeling guilt and/or shame, don’t ignore it. Examine it. Analyze it to understand where it comes from. Recognize it, acknowledge it. Does it serve you or get in the way of your health, wellness, and wellbeing? If it serves you, take corrective action. If, however, it’s getting in your way, release it and let it go.

You are never a bad person when you take care of your one and only self. It’s not unreasonable to practice self-care for your overall health, wellness, and wellbeing. They might call you selfish, but are you? Probably not.

Recognizing what is and isn’t genuinely selfish isn’t hard

It’s all about practicing mindfulness of your thoughts, feelings, intentions, and approach to direct your actions.

When you recognize and acknowledge that acts of self-care others might perceive as you being selfish are not, you can better care for your overall health, wellness, and wellbeing. Knowing that this is a matter of other people’s reactions and is outside of your control, you can do what you need and release the guilt and/or shame that agrees but is incorrect when it comes to judging your supposed selfishness.

This empowers you, and your empowerment can empower others around you.

Consciously choosing your approach to life towards positivity or negativity – from the vast cylinder that exists between them – shifts life in a way that opens greater dialogue. With a broader dialogue, you can recognize, explore, and share where you are between the extremes and how that impacts you here and now.

Choosing thoughts, feelings, actions, and intentions for yourself employs an approach and attitude of positivity for realizing amazing potential and possibilities for your life.

The better aware you are of yourself here and now, the better you can choose and decide what, how, and why your life experiences will be. When you empower yourself, it can spread to those around you for their empowerment.

Thank you for coming along on this journey.

This is the five-hundred-and-fifty-ninth (559) entry of my Positivity series. I hope that these weekly messages might help spread positive energies for everyone. Feel free to share, re-blog, and spread the positivity.

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