I Don’t Hate Myself, But Some Days I Don’t Like Myself
Kindness, compassion, and empathy are necessary for ourselves, too.
Today I got really upset. Angry, mostly. At myself.
Why? Because I’ve put on a bunch of weight, I have a bizarre nerve pinch in my left hand that’s causing recurrent pain depending on my grip, I’m a bit flustered trying to decide on a new editor for my book series, I feel like I’m letting people in my life down, I’m failing to live up to my potential, work as hard as I should be, and other stuff both in and out of my control.
I went for a walk to get some sun and try to work through the negativity. That led to new problems. My pants wouldn’t sit right because of my gut, I couldn’t adjust them because of the nerve pinch, my knee started to protest, and I got upset. How had this come to pass? How had I gotten to this point?
This spiraled to a crash, and I was just driven to tears, devastated by my inability to process. It’s been a long time since I’ve been hit with such a deep sense of negativity. But more than that, such a degree of self-loathing. Not hatred, but definite dislike.
In this state, it’s easy to sink into a deeper depression. However, I know that doing so will just make everything more challenging.
Okay, so I don’t hate myself, but on days like this, I don’t like myself. What can be done about that?
Begin by becoming actively consciously aware – i.e., mindful
All of the thoughts and feelings that got me upset were not conscious. They were subconscious notions buried in memories, sitting amongst my values, habits, and beliefs. Lurking, more than sitting. Like ninjas in the shadows, waiting to pounce.
The target? The edges of my conscious mind. So, they struck, ganging up on me like neglected children in desperate need of attention. Old brain weasels and other bits of negativity about myself that hide in my subconscious mind, rising to the surface to be felt and noticed.
Many of these things are half-true at best. Most are not entirely of my making. Old ideas lodged in my head by others, society, and expectations both possible and not. Mostly kept at bay because they’re not the truth.
What keeps them at bay? Active conscious awareness. Mindfulness, in practice, is how I can analyze my subconscious mind and pick at, view, work with, and/or change any beliefs/values/habits. To be mindful, and actively consciously aware, all I need to do is ask questions to identify what I’m thinking, what and how I’m feeling, what I’m doing, my intentions, and if I’m currently facing a positive or negative approach to things – in the present, here and now.
Sometimes, however, I lose sight of this. Things happen that distract me, or something I read or watch lodges into my subconscious, which in turn dredges up these stealthy negative concepts. Or maybe an unexpected pain, indigestion, or something physical brings these intangibles to light. No matter what the case might be, the first step to do anything about this is to practice mindfulness.
This leads to identifying how not hating myself, but not liking myself, is tied directly to kindness, compassion, and empathy.
Kindness, compassion, and empathy for ourselves
It never ceases to amaze me how the most unkind, uncompassionate, and unempathetic person towards me is me. While walking, I said some nasty, unkind, even hurtful things to myself.
No wonder society at large needs more kindness, compassion, and empathy. Many fail to give it to themselves just as much as I do. If we can’t be kind, compassionate, and empathetic towards ourselves, how do we give/share that with others?
Via mindfulness, it’s easy to see the lack of kindness, compassion, and empathy towards myself. Those thinky-thoughts lodge in, force their way out of the murky parts of my subconscious mind, and before I know it, I’m spiraling down. Not fun.
On the days I see that I don’t like myself, this is often connected to a lack of self-directed kindness, compassion, and empathy. But where does that come from?
The subconscious, which stores everything whether you actively put it there or passively do so. Our culture and collective consciousness inundates and bombards us with so much data that we can take it in without even realizing we’ve done so. To gauge that, we must practice being more mindful. That can only work here and now. But it can and will work for anyone and everyone with a little practice and self-awareness.
Is the truth that I like myself or dislike myself?
I’m imperfect. But then, realistically, so is everyone. We’re all perfectly imperfect beings.
Still, the things that I find I dislike the most about myself are changeable. It’s just a matter of taking action and doing the work to actively, consciously, and mindfully change.
A great many of the matters that cause me not to like myself are not from myself. They’re embedded in my subconscious via outdated beliefs and values, things I’ve absorbed from outside influences, and even the generalized “they” of society at large.
When I use my conscious awareness, I do like myself. I embrace my imperfections and flaws. This also allows me to see what I might desire to change, and then how I can go about doing that.
Yes, I’d like to get into better shape. I’m working on resolving things to improve multiple elements of the bits I sometimes dislike. But there are days when the subconscious demons surface and fuck with me. However, I ultimately can reclaim control via active conscious awareness. That opens the way to offer greater kindness, compassion, and empathy for myself and deal with a setback like I’ve had here.
Why bother? Because I’m worthy and deserving of a good life, having good things, and living how I choose to. I can give kindness, compassion, and empathy to myself as readily as I give it to others. Lastly, mindfulness shows that those negative thinky-thoughts aren’t the truth. I’m a good person doing my best to live as best I can but also be positive and positively impact the world for the better, too.
Everyone has bad days. The choice is, do we allow our subconscious to drive us, or do we use our conscious awareness to take the wheel and drive ourselves?
Working with some days when I don’t like myself isn’t hard
It’s all about practicing mindfulness of your thoughts, feelings, and intentions to direct your actions.
When I find that I don’t like myself, I have the power to shift things via mindfulness and active, conscious awareness. Knowing that I’m worthy and deserving of all the kindness, compassion, and empathy I love to share with others for myself, I can work on combatting the subconscious beliefs and values that aren’t true, yet some days arise to mess with me.
You also have the same power and are worthy and deserving it employing it, too.
This empowers you, and your empowerment can empower others around you.
Consciously choosing your approach to life towards positivity or negativity – from the vast cylinder that exists between them – shifts life in a way that opens more dialogue. With a broader dialogue, you can explore and share where you are between the extremes and how that impacts you here and now.
Choosing thoughts, feelings, actions, and intentions for yourself employs an approach and attitude of positivity for realizing amazing potential and possibilities for your life.
The better aware you are of yourself in the now, the more you can do to choose and decide how your life experiences will be. When that empowers you, it can spread to those around you to their empowerment.
Thank you for coming along on this journey.
This is the five-hundred and twenty-fifth (525) entry of my Positivity series. I hope that these weekly messages might help spread positive energies for everyone. Feel free to share, re-blog, and spread the positivity.
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