How Do You Respond to Upsetting, Annoying, and Disappointing Things That Happen?
Not the initial, visceral response, but what you do next.
I’m about to publish my first new book in 2 years. This is super exciting because this book is the conclusion to the series I’ve been working on since 2015.
Saturday morning, before departing for an all-day event 2 hours away, I checked my email. The eBook variation – available for pre-order – had been canceled. WTAF? They claim I didn’t upload the final file in time. But I’m completely certain that I did. I chose to respond to the email, send the file again, and hope it will be resolved.
It wasn’t until Sunday morning that I checked my email again. No can do, I must re-create the eBook. What about the existing paperback pre-order? Why can’t I work off this same combined title? It’s not until Monday morning that I have my answer.
Much to my annoyance, I must recreate the eBook and reupload it. Plus, because it’s 24 hours until it was scheduled to be published, I must publish it now.
This is super annoying, really upsetting, and disappointing. Anyone who pre-ordered the eBook was informed the book – in that form – wasn’t coming. That has the potential to negatively impact my reputation as an author.
My initial, visceral reaction to this all has been anger, and a desire to curse, scream, lash out, and rail against the Universe. But that was only the immediate, visceral reaction I had. What good would any of that do me or my book?
None whatsoever. What can I do?
Pause, reflect, redirect
I stopped and took a deep breath. Okay, this is upsetting, annoying, disappointing, and frustrating. All true and all, I think, justifiable. But now I have a choice in front of me.
React in a useless but potentially releasing way. Shout, curse out my luck, blame myself for failing, get angry, and generally let this negatively impact me, my day, my weekend, or however long I choose.
– Or –
I can acknowledge that this sucks and ask, “What the fuck?” Then take whatever action is available to me to resolve this problem.
Admittedly there’s a third option, too. Do nothing, walk away, ignore it for now. While there are certainly times, happenings, and circumstances where that might serve – this is a form of inaction. I believed that action of some sort was my best course to choose.
I paused after the initial, visceral, angry, WTF moment. Reflected on the fact that this isn’t personal and isn’t something that says negative things about me. I reflected on the facts of the situation. Then, I looked to see what I could do about it and redirected. I sent out an email to address the issue and work on fixing it.
When the response wasn’t what I’d hoped for, I was faced with the same ways to respond. Choose a negatively or a positively directed course of action. (Also, yes, the option to neutrally choose nothing at all could be applied.) I sent another email for further clarification. Yet again, when the response wasn’t what I’d hoped for, I was faced with these choices all over again.
Getting angry and reacting by screaming about it and cursing everything and everyone out gets me nowhere. Knowing that, I made all my choices for how I’d respond with a positive approach.
How you respond is always a choice
Your initial visceral reaction to things that happen is automated. Some things that happen will make you squee with excitement and joy. Other things that happen will make you scream, curse, and throw a temper tantrum. Then there are the reactions that fall between these extremes but are no less automated.
Immediately or near-immediately after your visceral reaction, you have a choice. Respond with continued anger or continued joy? While you might think that responding with continued joy is a no-brainer, I know people who will respond by immediately expecting the other shoe to drop. Something great happened so now something awful will occur to balance the scales.
How you respond is a choice. When it comes to the extremes – such as black and white, good and bad, positive and negative, and so on – your visceral, immediate reaction might be at that extreme. But then you’ll slide back down the flexible cylinder between the extremes and have your choice.
Do you choose to respond by facing the positive or negative side of the cylinder between extremes? What are the plusses and minuses for or against either choice?
Again, yes, there’s also the option to choose nothing. However, choosing nothing gets you nothing. You cede the control that is rightfully yours. Who does that benefit? Not you. So that’s why I’m discounting and giving little attention to the choice to not choose (but in the interest of being fully transparent and fair with what I’m exploring here, sharing it).
What if you chose wrong?
This has paralyzed lots of people along the way. What if I choose wrong? What if how I respond does me no good?
Frankly, unless this is a life-or-death choice, it’s always changeable. If you choose wrong, and you’re still here, you can choose again.
If the way you respond after your visceral reaction doesn’t serve you, you can change it. I could have wasted my entire weekend lamenting this problem, being angry about it, and allowing it to eat at me. It could have spiraled into deep self-loathing, self-deprecation, and a downward spiral that would likely have led to me being unpleasant to be around – even to myself.
But I paused, reflected, and recognized that didn’t serve me or anyone else. So, I redirected my response and made choices to handle and work the problem.
I’ve reuploaded my eBook. Following instructions from the company, I’ll link it to the uncancelled paperback. If I got it wrong and that doesn’t work – I’ll most likely respond with that initial, visceral anger. Then I’ll make a new choice to work the problem.
We are all perfectly imperfect. Shit happens to everyone. How you respond, however, is a choice that can empower you. It can also present new and potentially better options. There are lots of times when bad things that happen lead to better things.
How you respond in-depth is always a choice that can potentially disempower or empower you. Wouldn’t you prefer to feel empowered over feeling disempowered by how you respond?
Choosing how to respond after your initial visceral reaction isn’t hard
It’s all about working with mindfulness of your thoughts, feelings, and intentions to direct your actions.
When you recognize and acknowledge that you have a choice for how you respond after any given positive or negative immediate, visceral reaction, you can pause, reflect, and choose to redirect (or not, and allow that reaction to dominate you for however long). Knowing that you can take control over how you respond and choose something positive and generative over negative and destructive, you give yourself control over your experience.
This empowers you – and in turn, your empowerment can empower others around you.
Taking an approach to positivity and negativity – from the vast cylinder that exists between them – shifts life in a way that opens more dialogue. With a broader dialogue, you can explore and share where you are between the extremes and how that impacts you here and now.
Choosing thoughts, feelings, actions, and intentions for yourself employs an approach and attitude of positivity for realizing amazing potential and possibilities for your life.
The better aware you are of yourself in the now, the more you can do to choose and decide how your life experiences will be. When that empowers you, it can spread to those around you to their empowerment.
Thank you for coming along on this journey.
This is the five-hundred and eleventh (511) entry of my Positivity series. I hope that these weekly messages might help spread positive energies for everyone. Feel free to share, re-blog, and spread the positivity.
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