Have I Really Got This or Am I Just Fooling Myself?
The answer is yes – and wholly dependent on me and my actions.
As I’m writing this, I’m preparing to take my annual trip to the gargantuan medieval event in SW Pennsylvania.
However, leading up to this point has been quite probably one of the craziest years I’ve experienced in a long time.
Let me sum up 2023: At the start of the year, I was recovering from COVID; we learned my mother-in-law had a terminal brain tumor; and my wife got COVID. My mom started to have a whole host of new and unusual medical issues, and to a lesser degree so did my stepdad.
While I love my job, over the last 4 months things have gotten distressing, and my certainty in elements of the gig has been seriously shaken.
On top of that, I’m nearly the heaviest I’ve ever been, and today I’m feeling deeply frustrated.
I talked to my therapist today. She reassured me that I’m on the right track, which helped.
But this nagging sense of offness – because I have no idea what else to call it – is really distressing me. Like I want to leap out of my skin and run around – which makes no sense at all.
I know, deep down, that I’ve got this. Because I always manage.
Still, I’m wondering – have I really got this, or am I just fooling myself?
What is this, anyhow?
I guess this is my life. The parts that I can control, the bits I can’t control, and everything in between.
For a whole host of reasons, I decided to quit drinking. Not because I’ve ever had a problem with drinking – when I did drink, it was a beer or a cider here, a glass of wine there, maybe a single malt scotch – and at most I drank once every few weeks, if not months. Not a lot at all.
My issue is that I don’t need the empty calories of alcohol and have no interest in the intoxicating effects in the slightest. Thus, I’m not bothering to drink.
I might still partake of scotch or wine here and there – I don’t feel the need to go full-on teetotaler. But casually, socially, I’m not drinking.
I think much of this is control. As in – have I got this? – is a matter of control.
Because many of the outside factors of my life that are currently craziest are utterly, totally, and completely out of my control.
Despite all the efforts I made to avoid COVID and all the vaccinations – I still got it at the end of 2022. It was barely more than a head cold – which I know is in part due to getting vaccinated.
I can do nothing to help my mother-in-law. Nor is there much I can do for my wife, save being emotional support and present for her. Hence, I have no control there.
The same goes for my mom, stepdad, and their medical issues. I have no control there, either.
Lastly – work. While there are elements of this in my control, the things shaking my certainty are not.
Ergo, what this is, in context, is control.
Have I really got this or am I just fooling myself?
On the one hand – yes. Because I can practice active, conscious awareness – mindfulness – to assert control where I have control.
On the other hand – no. I’m fooling myself. Because the matters out of my control are, frankly, out of my control.
This begs a better question: Do I want/desire control of these things?
No. Truthfully, no.
I have no interest in controlling other people or things because that just sounds exhausting.
Being in my own head is frustrating, confusing, fascinating, terrifying, brilliant, amazing, sometimes crazy, and once in a while all of the above. Really.
What winds up happening is that the brain weasels and thinky-thoughts all crowd together, making me question my sanity – but mostly making me feel massively uncertain and utterly without control.
Have I really got this? Yes. Am I just fooling myself? No – unless it has to do with control that’s not mine now or at all, frankly.
Ergo – I need to work on letting it go.
What you and I can control is a little and a lot
When all is said and done, you and I control very little. Most of what you and I do control is internal.
Externally we control – to a greater or lesser degree – how we look, what we wear, where we are, and who we’re with. (Granted – if you work in an office, you’re likely not in control of who you’re with and where you are).
Internally we control our thoughts, feelings, actions, and intentions.
Hence, you have control over what you’re thinking, what and how you’re feeling, what your intentions are, and what you are or aren’t doing.
Which is, when you think about, pretty much everything.
Realistically, you are the only one in your head, heart, and soul. Brain weasels are ideas outsiders have presented to you that have impacted you and caused second-guessing, self-doubt, and similar issues. Thinky-thoughts are matters tagged to your beliefs, values, habits, and/or memories that you chew on – and similarly, cause you distress.
But take control of your thoughts, feelings, actions, and intentions – and both brain weasels and thinky-thoughts can be dealt with.
Thus, I’m only just fooling myself if I strive for control over others and external bits that I can’t – and really don’t desire to – control.
Letting go to stop fooling myself
Writing this has been part of my process of letting go.
I can control this. These are my words. And putting this here on the screen lets me examine them and see where my control issues are causing unnecessary distress, doubt, and uncertainty.
It’s easy to forget that when it comes to external factors, I have no control. Recognizing and acknowledging this lets me choose to let go and not drive myself mad over what’s not mine to work with.
Life is crazy for everyone. Despite outward appearances, nobody has it easy or always gets it right. Everyone has challenges, struggles, issues, and concerns along the way.
We’re all perfectly imperfect human beings in the middle of this crazy road trip called life – and there’s no map and the GPS is getting no signal, either.
But the truth is – I’ve got this. And you’ve got this. When you work to focus on what you can control rather than what you can’t, you empower yourself. That can quiet the thinky-thoughts, murder the brain weasels, and help restore a sense of calm, balance, and peace.
Am I just fooling myself? Only if I seek control where none on my part exists. The same is true for you, too.
Can you see how you’ve got this and how you might be fooling yourself, too?
This is the six-hundred and seventh (607) exploration of my Pathwalking philosophy. These weekly essays are my ideas for – and experiences with – applying mindfulness and positivity to walk along a chosen path of life to consciously create reality.
I share this journey as part of my desire to make a difference in this world and empower as many people as I can with conscious reality creation.
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