Why is Disconnecting From Toxic People So Difficult?
Maybe because some of those toxic people are friends and family.
Towards the end of 2022, I removed myself from Twitter. There was already far too much toxicity there for my liking, and when Mr. Musk decided to let Trump and several other assholes back on the platform, I removed myself and my support from it.
I was only on Twitter mostly to promote my writing work. I don’t miss it or the toxicity of it.
This week, my wife departed from Facebook. Citing increased toxicity and the need to not be constantly bombarded by it – she chose to cut the cord. There was no fanfare, no big post explaining her impending departure (or the attention-getting post to cause people to beg her to stay) – she just stopped, cold turkey, and disconnected.
I fully support this – and were it not for my work needs for social media – I’d consider doing it, too. While it’s nice to stay in touch with and maintain connections with faraway friends – the toxic people across Facebook and other social media are becoming increasingly difficult to disconnect from.
And it’s even hard when they are friends.
I have to wonder if these people know they’re toxic. My guess is that they don’t. But between the needs of some to always be right; the desperate need to be seen and validated by others; and the complaining about policies, other people, and various things without offering alternatives or solutions – it quickly becomes overwhelming.
The choices this leaves you to make are not easy.
The impact of the disconnect
If anybody noticed my departure from Twitter, they never mentioned it. But I suspect that’s because my engagement overall was limited and largely in the interest of promoting and sharing my writing.
My wife’s departure from Facebook instantly drew attention. I think that’s because, unlike Twitter, Facebook has Messenger – and the option for at-the-moment communications. Mutual friends, concerned, reached out to me to question my wife’s suddenly non-existent account.
Again, I fully support her decision. And she reported, after only 1 day disconnected, that she was feeling lighter and less put upon. The toxicity wasn’t poisoning her anymore. Those she still actively desires to be in contact with know the alternative ways to reach her.
I applaud her bravery. Because in many ways, I’d like to leave the toxic people of Facebook behind, too.
Yes, along the way, some people might be upset by her departure. Others might take offense and treat her differently in other social circumstances.
But then, those who are toxic either won’t notice – or their disconnect will additionally validate my wife’s choice to leave them behind.
The impact you have on toxic people and others from the disconnect isn’t what’s important. What is important is the impact this has on you.
Toxic people poison us
I read an article recently where the author gave a rather stark explanation about how our culture – if you can call it culture – is utterly toxic. Full to overflowing of stealthy and not-so-stealthy fascists, narcissists, demagogues, and others admired for – well, frankly, toxicity.
A great deal of this is a result of social media. The relative anonymity of online personas – where all you get is a typed-out statement lacking in the nuances of gestures and tone – has emboldened people to spew intentionally and unintentionally toxic things.
The social justice warrior calls out everyone – even allies – on their imperfections. That lonely friend puts up posts to be reassured of their worth and get constant validation. The underpaid worker shares their complaints and memes about the awfulness of the system with zero alternatives or solutions offered.
It’s all too easy to scroll through Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram, and be overwhelmed by toxic people. Before you know it, you’re wasting your time, doomscrolling, feeling bad, and wondering if anything is worth it. These toxic people poison you into believing in lack, scarcity, and insufficiency which isn’t true.
And this is hardest to reconcile when they are friends and family.
The choice – tell them or step back from them
Multiple people I call friend have gotten increasingly toxic in the past 5 years.
Sure, you can blame the pandemic for this – but the reality is that the pandemic just gave their toxic nature purchase.
Rather than seek options to effect useful change, they spew toxic complaints, concerns, cries for validation, and the like. They’re angry, upset, terrified, and almost impossible to approach.
You can only walk on eggshells around someone for so long before the eggshells get cracked.
Thus, you have a choice. Tell them, or step back from them.
This isn’t an easy choice. Even friends and family, when they’re being toxic people, will be resistant to being told they need to reevaluate. If you confront them about their toxic behaviors, they may double down, lash out, and make you feel awful.
But if you love and care about them, you might feel that you need to do what you can to help them recognize their toxicity. But the price you might pay is that they choose to cut you off. It’ll sting – in part because you didn’t choose it – but it removes toxic people that have been negatively impacting you.
Sometimes, it’s just easier to step back from them. Like quitting smoking, the cold turkey approach is best. When you decide the toxic people in your life are poisoning you and making you sick – slowly removing them means you’re still being poisoned by them and their toxic behaviors.
There will be consequences. And you will probably be called selfish. But the opinions of others about you and what you do are not what make you, you. Self-awareness is what makes you, you. And that’s a choice to be mindful of who, what, where, how, and why you are.
You can’t detoxify toxic people
This is the hardest reality to accept. There is nothing you can do to detoxify toxic people.
Whether you point out their toxicity to them or walk away from them – if they’re unwilling to look within and recognize their toxic behaviors, you can’t make them recognize them. Neither can you do anything about it for them.
If you do choose to show them the ways they are being toxic, be prepared to be rejected. Chances are, they will not appreciate you telling them anything – and they might even lash out at you with an even larger dose of poison. But unless they recognize, acknowledge, and then seek to change their toxic behavior, you can’t do jack shit to detoxify toxic people.
You can tell them you are leaving and why in the hope that your departure will inform them of their toxic nature – and then cause them to desire to change it. But that’s not without risk of hurting your already broken relationship.
Or you can just disconnect – and maybe, if they notice, tell them why more abstractly, if at all, when they question it (if they do).
Should you disconnect from them?
I love my friends and family. They mean something to me, and I desire nothing more than to help them be as amazing as I believe they are or can be.
But nobody is immune to poison forever. Eventually, it will begin to hurt you, particularly if you are dosed with it again and again and again. And the poison from toxic people often builds so slowly in your system that you don’t even notice it until you’re sick.
Sick how? Angry, feeling frequently negative, losing hope, and otherwise seeing only the bad, lack, scarcity, and such. You don’t know how you got so upset about that thing – but you are. Why? Because you’ve been poisoned by the subconscious absorption of toxicity from toxic people.
Disconnecting from toxic people will come with pain. I won’t lie to you about that. But the truth is, you need to care for yourself because nobody but you is in your head, heart, and soul. Toxic people poisoning you disempowers you.
And that’s why disconnecting from them is often the cure for toxic people. But you need to weigh the pain versus the relief that will come from a disconnection.
While I know first-hand that cold turkey is the best disconnect, I also know for my business, I can’t remove myself from social media.
But I can limit my time there and replace the action of going scrolling through Facebook or Instagram with something else. Such as standing and walking away from my desk, playing a game on my phone, playing with one of my cats, or some other action that is better for my mental health.
You ultimately determine how toxic people impact you – if at all
You alone know if you should disconnect from toxic people in your life, and how to do it. While it won’t be easy, per se, the benefit to your health, wellness, and wellbeing should be of greater import to you than connections to others. Even those you care about and love.
Finally, know this – disconnecting from toxic people won’t leave you abandoned and alone in the world. It’s even possible that your disconnection from them – with or without explanation – might wake them up to their toxicity. But given the only person you can control is you – why not choose your health, wellness, and wellbeing? It’s not selfish to practice self-care.
You are worthy and deserving of living your life without being frequently poisoned by toxic people – intentional or unintentional as they might be.
Will you choose to disconnect from people – toxic or otherwise – for the good of your mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical health, wellness, and wellbeing?
This is the five-hundred and seventy-seventh exploration of my Pathwalking philosophy. These weekly essays are my ideas for – and experiences with – using mindfulness and positivity to walk along a chosen path of life to consciously create reality.
I share this journey as part of my desire to make a difference in this world and empower as many people as I can with conscious reality creation.
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