Do You Stay the Course or is it Time to Leave This Path?
How do you know if you should still stay the course or leave the path?
I’m feeling frustrated.
That frustration is directly impacting what I’m doing. But more than that, it’s also taking a toll on my self-image, self-worth, and other thoughts and emotions.
Of course, it all comes down to money.
Like many people, I have a love/hate relationship with money. I love having it and hate being a slave to it. The constant discomfort based on how much or how little there is in our bank accounts tends to be a key factor in my overall wellness and wellbeing.
This, of course, ties into the path I have chosen for my life.
Over the years, I’ve held a lot of different conventional jobs. The majority have been service or admin-related. They include tech support, customer service, benefits administration, retail and retail management, IT support, marketing assistant, paralegal, office manager, admin assistant, and a few other odds and ends over a wide range of fields.
A common thread I discovered is that corporate America and I tend not to get along, working 9-5 or most 8-hour-a-day shifts winds up with a lot of empty, wasted time, and I tend to work at a pace that’s utterly non-standard.
Just writing the above is problematic and feeds into my frustration. Why? Because I feel guilt and shame.
Guilt, shame, and what you choose (or not)
Guilt has been an unfortunately large element of my life. And a great deal of it ties into my frustration and overall self-worth issues.
For most of my life, I have not measured up in the eyes of certain people close to me. I didn’t become a doctor, lawyer, or other high-paying professional. Then, just to add insult to injury, I didn’t get married until my early 40s, and my wife and I will not have children. Thus – less than.
There has been a large amount of judgment from there. That has led to a lot of self-judgment, too.
On top of that, I feel guilt due to a combination of my privilege, that I can make many of the choices that I’ve made, and that I know others who struggle on multiple levels that I recognize.
I feel a degree of shame because there are times I feel I am being judged – whether I am or not – because of the choices I make. Not to mention that my attempt to fit my square-peg self into round holes is likely not so different from what others do and have done. I’ve had the opportunity to work with that and choose differently. But have I chosen well?
All the questions I ask can lead to some rather dark places. But, realistically, I know they are built on assumptions and presumptions I can’t quantify because I am not in anyone else’s head.
Also – nobody but me can live my life. Hence, no matter how much I explain, nobody can or will fully understand who I am. They can’t know all my motivations, or in general what makes me tick.
Do you continue to stay the course?
Still, I sometimes look at the path I have chosen and wonder if I am being ridiculous. Shouldn’t I just find a belt-sander and round off my square-peg self to fit into the expected holes?
Let’s look at my course over the past 3 years or so. Because, since late 2019, I have really, truly been walking my chosen path.
What does that look like? It looks like a lot more writing and editing. Since 2019, I have written, edited, and published 9 novels (to be fair, the first three of those were started in 2015. But the completion and editing were in 2019). I went from writing 3 blogs a week to 6 a week, or more (though at present I’m reducing that number to 4 a week). Also, I started a bi-weekly podcast that is weekly.
All of this has been aimed to generate some income. However, having bills to pay that can’t wait on the uncertain means of earning money in this way, I’ve taken on part-time work. This began with a financial services company – and was going great – until the pandemic hit and changed everything.
But I found another part-time job that I am still at (working for an absolutely amazing entrepreneur) and have had another gig or two to help pay the bills.
But money remains tight. And I am currently unwilling to further max out my credit cards to pay for editing and acquiring cover art for the completed books I have. And I’m unsure what else to do with this.
This is why I am feeling increasingly frustrated. What’s more, this is causing me to question if I should stay the course on this path – or is it time to concede?
What does conceding mean? How would that look?
Don’t stay the course and leave the path?
The first step would be to seek a new, full-time job.
That, of course, presents a whole new set of challenges. First – I like working from home. Given that the pandemic is still not entirely over – I would really prefer not to enter an office situation. Second – I like that I am not putting mileage on my car via a commute. And third – I love my current part-time gig and would like to be able to keep it.
The upside to a full-time gig includes better pay (given more hours than part-time gigs, let alone salary), potential benefits (which might be better than what we have through my wife’s company), and alleviating the sense of guilt and shame I feel in my given situation.
I do not doubt that I can fit my square-peg self into a given round hole. I’ve certainly done it before.
But the more interesting question is – will this cause me more guilt and shame? Or, rather, a different sense of guilt and shame?
Say what?
I am striving to live up to my personal legend – that which I believe I am here on this earth to do in this life. I’m a writer. That’s my joy, my passion, my skill. I would even go so far as to say it’s my gift.
If I leave this path and no longer stay the course – will I feel worse that I have given up? Am I giving up if that’s what I choose to do?
How do you work this out?
This is not something that you can snap your fingers and call fixed. That’s because there is no one true answer, quick fix, or single, easy option.
Wouldn’t that be great?
This is going to require digging deep. I need to meditate on it. Look into the depths of my subconscious to work out how I’m feeling. More journaling, and it might be time to figure out getting therapy again.
Furthermore, I need to ignore the outside influences – because they are not me, and while there can be some validity in what they offer – overall, they’re just unhelpful chatter. And some, I know, might not be real but in my mind.
Nobody but me can determine if I should stay the course or if it’s time to leave this path. The person –other than me – who has any say whatsoever is my wife. And she says the decision is mine to make. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate her.
Does any of what I am sharing here look familiar to you? While we have not had the same experiences in life – they are likely similar. Hence, you might see some of yourself in what I am struggling with. You are not alone, and guilt and shame – if that’s something you’re feeling – are not reserved for only you.
Do I feel better having shared this? Yes. Thanks for reading.
How do you determine if you should stay the course or leave the path you’re on?
This is the five-hundred and forty-third exploration of my Pathwalking philosophy. These weekly essays are my ideas for – and experiences with – using mindfulness and positivity to walk along a chosen path of life to consciously create reality.
I share this journey as part of my desire to make a difference in this world and empower as many people as I can with conscious reality creation.
Thank you for joining me. Feel free to re-post and share this.
The first year of Pathwalking, including expanded ideas, is available here. Check out Amazon for my published fiction and nonfiction works.
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