Am I Lying to Myself?
I don’t think so – but it’s possible I am lying to myself.
The only person who can truly know me, in-depth, is me.
This is because there is nobody but me here inside of my head, heart, and soul.
No matter how much I connect with anyone else – in any way, shape, or form – I’m still the only one in here. The only person capable of getting at my motivations, recognizing my beliefs, values, and habits is me.
I know that to some people that seems awful lonely. But as I have worked to reconcile this over the years, I’ve gained massive insight into myself. I know myself better now than I ever have before.
How? By studying my subconscious, becoming more familiar and communicative with my conscious awareness, and using outside resources to learn more about how the subconscious and consciousness connect.
Yet despite this ongoing work – I still wonder. Am I lying to myself? Am I truly pursuing what I desire or just going through the motions?
Why am I questioning this?
For the past year-plus, I have been wholly focused on the pursuit of my writing.
To do this, I altered my approach and focus. Rather than just sit down and bang out the words when I had a half-formed or vague notion – I worked on planning. I did world-building. In time, I found myself laying out a book chapter-by-chapter. Before long, I had a new 4 book series plotted out.
So, I started writing. Before long the 4 books were complete. Thus, I went through the motions – and started the process of getting them edited, having covers created, and publishing.
Additionally, I finished writing the fourth book of my other sci-fi series and went through the edit-cover creation-publish process.
As of this September, I’ve published 4 books in 2 sci-fi series throughout 2021. One more book for each series will be released before the end of November.
Admittedly, the planned series books hover around 50,000 words each. But I’ve completed and published all these books.
It sure as hell looks like I am what and who I believe myself to be.
So how come I still feel like an imposter?
The easy answer lies in expectation. Specifically, expectation I both am aware of and presume on the part of others.
Namely, expectations of greater brand recognition and related sales.
Of course, it all comes down to money.
It is virtually impossible to look at this and not scratch my head, even without the outside influences. Despite the ease of self-publishing, hiring and paying an editor and cover artist output money. So does advertising and other promotional work.
For the most part – more money has gone out than is coming in.
Does that make the perceptions/expectations – spoken and unspoken – of others more valid than my own?
That’s the question.
Am I lying to myself?
It’s very hard not to ponder these thoughts:
- If I was truly a good writer, shouldn’t my books be selling better?
- Am I less skilled than I think I am?
- Are the expectations others have of me valid?
- Have I truly got what it takes to do this?
- Am I just lazy and avoiding getting a “real” job?
- Ultimately – am I lying to myself?
Asking every single one of these questions is like getting a papercut, then pouring lemon juice on it. It stings. And it hurts. That, in turn, feels bad.
I begin to feel negative, and before I know it, I am on a downward spiral questioning everything I think I know about my existence.
I KNOW, through my own life experience and reading the thoughts and experiences of many others – that I am in pursuit of what Paulo Coelho calls my “personal legend.”
What’s that? My reason for being. The thing I am on this Earth to do.
When I start to ponder the above thoughts – and others like them – there are a couple of truths I need to remind myself of:
- Only I can truly, completely, wholly know myself – consciously and subconsciously.
- I don’t know the way – but others before me have taken it. Thus, I can find it, too.
- Just because I don’t know how doesn’t mean I can’t learn it.
- Resistance to leaving comfort zones from within and without is normal.
When I pause, close my eyes, breathe, and really think about who I am and what I desire – I’m doing what I desire to do, now.
I think, when all is said and done, I feel as though I might be lying to myself because I am not being sufficiently mindful.
Mindfulness prevents lying to myself
A book I am reading opened me up to an aspect of mindfulness I’ve not previously explored.
The ego.
I have written many times about getting in touch with my inner being and inner sense of self. While I’ve called that my conscious self – which it is – there is more.
The subconscious self is where habits, beliefs, and values are. They tend to be deeply rooted, and not always readily apparent. To get at them requires using the conscious mind.
But the conscious and subconscious minds coexist in the nebulous place between them. Namely – the ego. THAT is the sense of self that exists whether we are consciously aware or not.
Mindfulness is conscious awareness, here and now. The tools to be consciously aware of yourself include sensory input from your six senses, as well as your thoughts, feelings, actions, and intentions.
Mindfulness is how we can be consciously aware. That not only gives us access to our subconscious – but to our ego and overall sense of being.
To get ahold of thoughts, feelings, actions, and intentions here and now, all I need to do is ask myself direct questions like:
- What am I thinking?
- What am I feeling?
- How am I feeling?
- What am I doing?
- What is my intent?
Stopping to ask these questions, here and now, makes me mindful. That’s because I must dig into my subconscious to answer them.
Unless I choose not to answer them honestly – I can’t lie to myself. Unless I am actively lying to myself – mindfulness tells me I’m not.
My current path is not built on lies to myself or anyone else. It’s just a challenging path. And I alone decide if the challenge is worth it – or not.
Am I lying to myself?
No. Via mindfulness, I know I’m not.
Are you lying to yourself about anything?
This is the five-hundred and eighth exploration of my Pathwalking philosophy. These weekly essays are ideas for – and my personal experiences with – mindfulness and walking along a chosen path of life to consciously create reality.
I share this journey as part of my desire to make a difference in this world along the way. Additionally, I desire to empower myself and my readers with conscious reality creation.
Thank you for joining me. Feel free to re-blog and share this.
The first year of Pathwalking, including expanded ideas, is available here. My additional writing, both fiction and non-fiction, are available here.
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