The Ramblings of the Titanium Don

Explorations of Conscious Reality Creation and Other Matters

Tag: conscious

Who Am I Disappointing?

Should I be concerned about disappointing myself?

I struggle with this pretty frequently, and I know I am not alone in this.

Who am I Disappoiting?Who am I?  I ask that question a lot.  Part of why I keep asking is because I am constantly changing – which is part of the human condition.  Another reason why I ask is because I know that you probably have a different impression of me than I have of myself.

Ever hear a recording of your voice and feel like, whoa, is that really how I sound?  If you hear enough recordings of your voice, you get used to how everyone else hears you.  It gives you an outside impression of an aspect of yourself.

Same thing applies to photos.  Ever look at a picture and wince at how you look?  Again, you are seeing yourself from without.

Inside my own head, I see myself differently than how you see me.  My voice is deeper, my body is stockier rather than flabby, and my hair is more pepper than salt.  If I feel good about myself, then these superficial aspects you see are not terribly important.

However, if I start to see the flabby guy with the greying hair and it makes me feel bad, and I become disappointed about myself, this can begin an ugly trend that might pick up speed and spiral out to further disappointment.

I am a social person.  I do a lot of things that put me out there.  Between publishing these posts weekly and teaching fencing and standing up in SCA courts, I present multiple facets of who I am.  Because I want people to think well of me, I worry about the impressions I make.

Is there anyone who I should worry about disappointing?

Yes.  Myself.  Because it’s a universal truth that you cannot please all the people all the time.  Some people are going to think I am pretty awesome.  Others are going to think I am not so awesome.  Still others probably think I’m an asshole.  I have no control over what you think about me.

Except I really wish that I did.  I don’t want people to think I’m an asshole.  I want people to think well of me.  It matters to me that I not be a disappointment to anyone.

Why?  How come this is important to me at all?  Because at the root of all my fears is the ultimate fear of abandonment.  The fear that I will be left to stand completely and totally alone in the world.  Fear of success, fear of failure are really just the surface concerns.  What I fear the most is being abandoned.

Subconsciously, I think if I disappoint you, in time you’ll give up on me, and walk away.  So long, and thanks for all the fish.  If I do not live up to my ideals, I will lose the people I have in my life.

Of course, in realty, this is ludicrous.  But the larger issue that this causes is that I have a certain ideal I strive to live up to.  In the pursuit of my goals and the bridges I am crossing, I have a standard I work to maintain.

When I do not keep control of my diet, or I don’t get to the gym, or meditate, or stick to my plan, I end up disappointed in myself.  I berate myself, I get annoyed with myself, and begin to think poorly of who I am.

Where does the disappointment come from?

I supposed I could blame certain outside influences for my feelings of disappointment.  I know that certain people close to me feel I have not made the most of my life.  There is worry that I might let down other people who are close to me, and that while they won’t tell me I am disappointing them, I am.  Of course, there is nobody to blame, because how I feel is all on me.

I think it’s a matter of validation.  Yet in truth, I think its more valuation than validation.  The difference is that approval is not indicative of worth.  Yet, if you look at Trump, to him approval is the sign of his worth, so maybe it’s not so surprising a thing.

I have been struggling a long time with feeling worthwhile.  Because I have spent so much of my life seeking validation in order to gage my valuation, I disappoint myself too easily.  When I become disappointed, I begin to feel worthless, and I question everything.

To better combat this issue, I need to re-evaluate what I think of myself.  I have mentioned how important self-talk is before, and it really is essential to think well of who I am.  When I don’t think good thoughts about myself, is inevitable that I will wind up disappointing myself instead.

While I sometimes find affirmations a little cheesy, that does not lessen their importance.  I need to remember when I begin feeling disappointment in myself I am worthwhile.  If I am disappointing other people, that’s not on me, because the person I need to not disappoint is myself.

Affirmation is valuation.

My new affirmation, whenever I begin feeling as if I am disappointing myself, is this:

I am worthwhile, skilled, loved, and I deserve good things in my life.

Consciousness creates reality.  I need to recognize when I am thinking poorly of myself, and actively turn it around.  When you find yourself in the same struggle, I encourage you to acknowledge your own worth, and know that you are not alone in this.

We’ve got this.  We will not be disappointing anyone, ourselves included.  As always, thank you for crossing the bridges with me.

 

GOAL LOG – Week 39:

Diet:  Back on track, writing it out.

Exercise:  Fencing one day, three days at the gym, two days where I took long walks.

Writing:  Three blog posts, some work on the sci-fi story.

Meditation: Four days last week, never less than 8 minutes.

Gratitude:  I was grateful for 5 things five days last week

 

This is the fifty-fourth entry of my personal journey, the Crossing the Bridges series.  My collectively published writing can be found here.

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Do I Know Who I Am?

I have a pretty good idea about who I am.

Yes, in some respects I am two people – one in the real world, one in the Society for Creative Anachronism (SCA) – but overall, I am simply me.

Crossing the Bridges 53I wrote about this yesterday at my author website.  But one of the bridges that I am frequently working with is the one between MJ and Malcolm.  Who I am and what I do in the SCA versus the mundane world, while they have some differences, are still the same.

For example, in the SCA I am a teacher, both of rapier combat and court heraldry.  In the real world, I am also a teacher, though it’s on my philosophy of conscious reality creation and manifesting what I want for my life.

The thing is, no matter which bridge I may be crossing, the person who is crossing them is unchanged.  My goals at every destination are the same.

Help people live the best they can.  Inspire.  Be a force for good.  Be happy.  Ultimately, that is what I most want to achieve in my life, and what I want to find across all the bridges.

To know who I am is to know what I am able to do.  It is surprisingly easy to lose track of who I am, though.  Why?  Because as a social creature, I often find myself reflecting or attempting to reflect what I think others want of me.  To find validation, I often give too much importance to what other people think of me.  It’s good to be seen as a force for good rather than one of ill, but who I am in my heart of hearts is where that truly lies.

Who I am is who I want to be.

From time to time, in addition to the conscious reality creation focus of this blog, I post something political.  Why?  Because I feel the need to share, and hope that maybe in doing so I can do more to help improve the world I live in.

Yes, I have things that I want for myself.  I want to be happy, I want to have my novels get turned into film and TV shows, I want to help my wife start the business of her dreams.  But I don’t do the things I do just for myself.  I do them because I want to inspire, to entertain, to help people also be the most that they can be.

It occurred to me recently that I have to continue to work on improving my self-talk.  This is the stuff I think about myself in my own head.  When I think poorly of myself, and unwell of who I am, this tends to further distance me from whom I wish to be.

Consciousness creates reality.  I cannot write this out enough times.  What we give our focus to is what we create in this world.  We make it manifest.  Sometimes it’s a slow burn, and sometimes it’s just right there.  We can create both good and bad for ourselves, depending on what we give our focus to.

I know that I have made this work in the past.  How?  By believing in nothing but the outcome I wanted to manifest.  There was no doubt, no negative self-talk.  There was one, and only one end in my vision.

One of the greatest obstacles I face now is my self-thought and self-talk.  What I subconsciously think about my self is what I believe.  To achieve what I want, that needs to be addressed.

Who do I think I am?

What I think of myself inside my own head can sometimes be problematic.  I get annoyed at myself for my failings, real and perceived.  I get frustrated when I do not accomplish all that I might set out to do in a given day.  There are times I envision myself as fat, lazy, wacky, and unworthy of achieving anything I might desire.

Thinking of myself in this way is not healthy.  Nor will it allow me to build what I am wanting to build.  How can I manifest who I want to be when I think poorly of myself?

I need to continue to work on this.  I need to think about myself positively, and not berate myself for any shortcomings, real or perceived.  When I have consciously created my reality in the past, all of my focus, both conscious and subconscious, was on a singular outcome.  I know I can do this – I have done it before.

No matter what world I work in, no matter what bridges I am crossing, I know who I am.  I need to be nicer to myself, think better of myself, and I will succeed.  I need to do a better job of being conscious of what I am thinking about subconsciously, and to change the narrative when it is not for my betterment.

This will require more focus.  I’ve done it before, and I can do it again.  The key is to not knock myself down mentally and emotionally when I err, and to see anything that is not what I want as a temporary setback, and an opportunity to take-away something good.

As always, thank you for crossing the bridges with me.

 

GOAL LOG – Week 38:

Diet:  Mostly back on track, but not so good about writing it out.

Exercise:  Fencing two days, but not much else.

Writing:  Lots of blog posts, some work on the sci-fi story.

Meditation:  Several days last week, never less than 9 minutes.

Gratitude:  I was not tracking my gratitude.

 

This is the fifty-third entry of my personal journey, the Crossing the Bridges series.  My collectively published writing can be found here.

Please take a moment to click the subscribe button (even if you did so before the blog was reformatted) and sign up for my newsletters!  Thank you!

Pathwalking 141

It never ceases to amaze me how readily I can lose my focus.

For a while I can be a champion. I can successfully manifest what I want, no question, no difficulty, I can do it. I can see all the possibility, all the probability, all the reality of what I am capable of. I am amazed, excited, enthusiastic, and ready to tackle the world and everything that could possibly get in my way.

And then it is gone. I am lethargic, I am weary, I am out of cope. I cannot decide what I want, I am full of questions and difficulties and I cannot see how to do it. I can see possibility, but not probability, and I question the how of it all. I am frustrated, unenthused, and wondering if I have it all wrong and the world will defeat me when all is said and done.

Why am I unable to remain the former, and so often mired in the latter? How come it is so much harder to find and hold onto that feeling of empowerment than to let the weight of the world weigh you down?

I think it boils down to focus. When I take control of my life, and I work on my focus and sharpening it to crystal clear precision I can walk the path of my choosing. But when I let my focus wane, or I let myself drift and get caught up in worries and concerns I should not, I lose my power and find myself right where I began.

Except I am not where I began. I am a Pathwalker. I know how this can work, I know what I can do with it. I have made numerous choices in who I am and what I do and how I do these things for my life, and I know I can have it how I want it. I just have to regain my focus and not let myself be diverted.

I am sure it comes as no surprise when I say that this is easier said than done.

How do I regain my focus after it has been lost? I have been asking that question for some time now, and the answer really boils down to practice. There are practices that I can do that will help in this department. The trick of course is actually doing them, and not just paying them lip service.

Equally important is to cease practices that are detrimental to focus. I would LOVE to play any number of online multi-person video games…but as I already have issues with maintaining focus, this would be a TERRIBLE idea. I’d never get anything else done again, I’d become focused on my distraction.

This brings up another issue – false focus. There are all sorts of things upon which I can lavish my attentions, but if they are not the things that will let me focus on creating the life I want to live and the world I want to live in, it’s no wonder I wind up back in that place of defeatism.

The question becomes – what practices should I work at to reclaim my focus? I am going to share what I need to do in order to get back my focus. The things that are taking my attention away are going to be different from the things that might be taking YOUR attentions away, but the concept is similar.

There is one primary idea that will help you achieve this.

Rewrite the internal dialogue. This is HUGE, and the most difficult but of course most important idea for reclaiming focus. The inner dialogue is often deeply imbedded, and highly sub-conscious. It just lingers in the background. However, it is ALWAYS there, always running, always in motion. I am always in communication with myself, and there is always stuff going on inside my head.

It is very easy to let the internal dialogue simply run its course unchecked. However, it is HERE that the loss of focus begins. Also, it is here the lack of focus begins. The reasons are many, but I believe they largely stem from outside influences. World news, family matters, coworker difficulties, financial challenges, negative reinforcements bombarding us constantly. If we do not pay attention to what is affecting us, the subconscious might get focused on problems instead of solutions.

The internal dialogue starts to feed on the negativity, and lo and behold I am feeling disempowered again. So I need to not let the internal dialogue run free, I need to leash it up and redirect it to walk the path. I need to consciously take control over my subconscious inner dialogue, and start focusing on what I want.

How do you rewrite the inner dialogue? Positive practices. I know several positive practices that work for me. I write Pathwalking and Positivity weekly. But I need to return to reading daily, and to writing fiction daily. I was really good with that for a while – and then I got distracted, and it fell away. I need to take back control of my diet, and start being conscientious of what I am eating again. I need to exercise more regularly, and even if I don’t hit the gym or have fencing I need to be doing stretches and crunches daily. I need to take at least two minutes a day to meditate.

These positive physical practices help the mental practices. The mind, body and spirit are interconnected. Positive practices will help your subconscious to stay focused on what it is you want. When you keep your focus, and your internal dialogue is all about CAN DO and positive reinforcement instead of negative, you can change the world.

It may only be your small corner of the world, but hey, in theory, if I am running more positive and you see it, and decide that you want to run more positive, and then your friends see it, and then they decide to run more positive…we CAN change the world. It will take time, it will not work for anyone who does not want to change. But the most important thing to remember here is that your life, your path, is yours to be lived…and you should be capable of great things, and ultimately happiness.

I know what I have to do. Now comes the hardest part. Doing it.

Do or do not…there is no try.” – Yoda.

What positive practices will help you reclaim lost focus?

 

This is the one-hundred forty first entry in my series. These weekly posts are specifically about walking along the path of life, and my desire to make a difference in this world along the way. Feel free to re-blog and share.  Thank you for joining me.

The first fifty-two weeks (Year One) of installments of Pathwalking is available in print and for your Kindle.

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