My faith is being tested.
I am facing a test of my belief in conscious reality creation. Do I believe in myself, and my own ability to consciously create the reality I want to live in? Do I believe I am manifesting the life I really want to experience?
I have always been the best at sabotaging myself. There is no need for anyone else to interfere, I can do it just fine, thanks. I always manage to find the right excuse, or the right issue, or what-have-you to keep small, to maintain the light, but not to increase its intensity.
Why do I sabotage myself? Because change is scary. Because my subconscious mind disbelieves I am deserving of the dreams I have. There is an equal fear of success as there is of failure. As much as I want to manifest a different life, there is comfort in what I currently have.
I know what I want, and I know that I have to trust the universe that I can manifest it. The problem I run into is that my inner skeptic resists, and the challenge I experience from that is a lack of faith in consciousness creating reality.
How is my faith being tested?
I have a job that pays me a decent salary, and offers me some decent benefits, too. I also get paid time off, PTO, which I have not had for quite some time. This is something I’ve taken advantage of, and so I’ve enjoyed several long weekends, as well as a week at an SCA war in Mississippi, and gotten paid while not working.
Our timekeeping system at this job is wildly inaccurate. As such, I was led to believe that I had considerably more PTO than I actually do. In fact, I have so little PTO left that it will pretty much go to the remaining holidays of the year (yes, our system makes no distinctions, PTO is PTO).
This being a holiday week, the office was closed Monday and Tuesday. To travel to an SCA event, I took today off. Except, now, I cannot request to be paid for any of these three days. Thus, I will only be paid for two days this week.
Will this hurt me financially? Currently, I am happy to report that it will not. And yet, I am slightly uncomfortable, and debating changing my plans.
In what way is this testing my faith?
I have written here before about my desire to move on from this job, and to write full time. I write constantly about consciousness creating reality…but as soon as something uncomfortable happens, I shy away. To be free to travel to events at will and choose how to spend my days is a major component of the reality I am striving to make manifest. Do I have enough faith in my conscious reality creation to go with my original plan, and continue on the path I have chosen?
Every single self-help and spiritual book I have read or listened to says the same thing. To manifest the life I want, I have to step outside of my comfort zones. I have to get uncomfortable, I have to take chances and risks. It is imperative that I have faith in the Universe to take my thought, feeling and action and make it real. This is particularly important when the how is unknown…and frequently, the how is a mystery.
Yes, my job is stable, the pay is decent, and the dress code at the office is outstanding. But this is not who I am, and this is not where I want to spend most of my waking hours. I want to live the fullest, most joyful life I can.
Can I surrender to the Universe?
There is no denial that I am a bit of a control freak. Hell, one of the points of Pathwalking is to take control of my destiny. I have succeeded in consciously creating my reality before, when I had total faith in only one possible outcome. Some of these experiences were enormous, and some far more minute. But I know, logically, that I am able to manifest what I desire. Yet emotionally, I have a much harder time accepting this. Thus, this test of faith.
Do I truly believe that I can have the goal I am striving towards? Am I deserving of this? Can I succeed at manifesting the life I most desire? Am I willing to get uncomfortable in making the life I want to make? These are the questions of faith before me, and together they all boil down to this last question. Can I surrender it all up the Universe?
Is my faith that consciousness creates reality as strong as I wish it to be? Can I put out the thought, feel the emotion, and act intentionally without knowing all of the how of it, and let the Universe do its thing? That’s the question with the glowing eyes boring into me.
Expressing my faith.
In showing my faith in the Universe, I am not changing my plans. Uncomfortable is but a step when it comes to change. I move forward, eyes wide open, trusting in my faith. As always, thank you for crossing the bridges with me.
GOAL LOG – Week 27:
Diet: I was lax over the past weekend, but apart from a higher carb intake, not so bad.
Exercise: Fencing one day, two days of a single lap around the small lake. One day with a ton of walking.
Writing: The three blog posts were done.
Meditation: Four of seven days last week, never less than 4 minutes.
Gratitude: I expressed gratitude for 5 things on four days last week.
This is the forty-first entry of my personal journey, the Crossing the Bridges series. My collectively published writing can be found here.
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