The Ramblings of the Titanium Don

Explorations of Conscious Reality Creation and Other Matters

Tag: who am I

Who Am I Disappointing?

Should I be concerned about disappointing myself?

I struggle with this pretty frequently, and I know I am not alone in this.

Who am I Disappoiting?Who am I?  I ask that question a lot.  Part of why I keep asking is because I am constantly changing – which is part of the human condition.  Another reason why I ask is because I know that you probably have a different impression of me than I have of myself.

Ever hear a recording of your voice and feel like, whoa, is that really how I sound?  If you hear enough recordings of your voice, you get used to how everyone else hears you.  It gives you an outside impression of an aspect of yourself.

Same thing applies to photos.  Ever look at a picture and wince at how you look?  Again, you are seeing yourself from without.

Inside my own head, I see myself differently than how you see me.  My voice is deeper, my body is stockier rather than flabby, and my hair is more pepper than salt.  If I feel good about myself, then these superficial aspects you see are not terribly important.

However, if I start to see the flabby guy with the greying hair and it makes me feel bad, and I become disappointed about myself, this can begin an ugly trend that might pick up speed and spiral out to further disappointment.

I am a social person.  I do a lot of things that put me out there.  Between publishing these posts weekly and teaching fencing and standing up in SCA courts, I present multiple facets of who I am.  Because I want people to think well of me, I worry about the impressions I make.

Is there anyone who I should worry about disappointing?

Yes.  Myself.  Because it’s a universal truth that you cannot please all the people all the time.  Some people are going to think I am pretty awesome.  Others are going to think I am not so awesome.  Still others probably think I’m an asshole.  I have no control over what you think about me.

Except I really wish that I did.  I don’t want people to think I’m an asshole.  I want people to think well of me.  It matters to me that I not be a disappointment to anyone.

Why?  How come this is important to me at all?  Because at the root of all my fears is the ultimate fear of abandonment.  The fear that I will be left to stand completely and totally alone in the world.  Fear of success, fear of failure are really just the surface concerns.  What I fear the most is being abandoned.

Subconsciously, I think if I disappoint you, in time you’ll give up on me, and walk away.  So long, and thanks for all the fish.  If I do not live up to my ideals, I will lose the people I have in my life.

Of course, in realty, this is ludicrous.  But the larger issue that this causes is that I have a certain ideal I strive to live up to.  In the pursuit of my goals and the bridges I am crossing, I have a standard I work to maintain.

When I do not keep control of my diet, or I don’t get to the gym, or meditate, or stick to my plan, I end up disappointed in myself.  I berate myself, I get annoyed with myself, and begin to think poorly of who I am.

Where does the disappointment come from?

I supposed I could blame certain outside influences for my feelings of disappointment.  I know that certain people close to me feel I have not made the most of my life.  There is worry that I might let down other people who are close to me, and that while they won’t tell me I am disappointing them, I am.  Of course, there is nobody to blame, because how I feel is all on me.

I think it’s a matter of validation.  Yet in truth, I think its more valuation than validation.  The difference is that approval is not indicative of worth.  Yet, if you look at Trump, to him approval is the sign of his worth, so maybe it’s not so surprising a thing.

I have been struggling a long time with feeling worthwhile.  Because I have spent so much of my life seeking validation in order to gage my valuation, I disappoint myself too easily.  When I become disappointed, I begin to feel worthless, and I question everything.

To better combat this issue, I need to re-evaluate what I think of myself.  I have mentioned how important self-talk is before, and it really is essential to think well of who I am.  When I don’t think good thoughts about myself, is inevitable that I will wind up disappointing myself instead.

While I sometimes find affirmations a little cheesy, that does not lessen their importance.  I need to remember when I begin feeling disappointment in myself I am worthwhile.  If I am disappointing other people, that’s not on me, because the person I need to not disappoint is myself.

Affirmation is valuation.

My new affirmation, whenever I begin feeling as if I am disappointing myself, is this:

I am worthwhile, skilled, loved, and I deserve good things in my life.

Consciousness creates reality.  I need to recognize when I am thinking poorly of myself, and actively turn it around.  When you find yourself in the same struggle, I encourage you to acknowledge your own worth, and know that you are not alone in this.

We’ve got this.  We will not be disappointing anyone, ourselves included.  As always, thank you for crossing the bridges with me.

 

GOAL LOG – Week 39:

Diet:  Back on track, writing it out.

Exercise:  Fencing one day, three days at the gym, two days where I took long walks.

Writing:  Three blog posts, some work on the sci-fi story.

Meditation: Four days last week, never less than 8 minutes.

Gratitude:  I was grateful for 5 things five days last week

 

This is the fifty-fourth entry of my personal journey, the Crossing the Bridges series.  My collectively published writing can be found here.

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Do I Know Who I Am?

I have a pretty good idea about who I am.

Yes, in some respects I am two people – one in the real world, one in the Society for Creative Anachronism (SCA) – but overall, I am simply me.

Crossing the Bridges 53I wrote about this yesterday at my author website.  But one of the bridges that I am frequently working with is the one between MJ and Malcolm.  Who I am and what I do in the SCA versus the mundane world, while they have some differences, are still the same.

For example, in the SCA I am a teacher, both of rapier combat and court heraldry.  In the real world, I am also a teacher, though it’s on my philosophy of conscious reality creation and manifesting what I want for my life.

The thing is, no matter which bridge I may be crossing, the person who is crossing them is unchanged.  My goals at every destination are the same.

Help people live the best they can.  Inspire.  Be a force for good.  Be happy.  Ultimately, that is what I most want to achieve in my life, and what I want to find across all the bridges.

To know who I am is to know what I am able to do.  It is surprisingly easy to lose track of who I am, though.  Why?  Because as a social creature, I often find myself reflecting or attempting to reflect what I think others want of me.  To find validation, I often give too much importance to what other people think of me.  It’s good to be seen as a force for good rather than one of ill, but who I am in my heart of hearts is where that truly lies.

Who I am is who I want to be.

From time to time, in addition to the conscious reality creation focus of this blog, I post something political.  Why?  Because I feel the need to share, and hope that maybe in doing so I can do more to help improve the world I live in.

Yes, I have things that I want for myself.  I want to be happy, I want to have my novels get turned into film and TV shows, I want to help my wife start the business of her dreams.  But I don’t do the things I do just for myself.  I do them because I want to inspire, to entertain, to help people also be the most that they can be.

It occurred to me recently that I have to continue to work on improving my self-talk.  This is the stuff I think about myself in my own head.  When I think poorly of myself, and unwell of who I am, this tends to further distance me from whom I wish to be.

Consciousness creates reality.  I cannot write this out enough times.  What we give our focus to is what we create in this world.  We make it manifest.  Sometimes it’s a slow burn, and sometimes it’s just right there.  We can create both good and bad for ourselves, depending on what we give our focus to.

I know that I have made this work in the past.  How?  By believing in nothing but the outcome I wanted to manifest.  There was no doubt, no negative self-talk.  There was one, and only one end in my vision.

One of the greatest obstacles I face now is my self-thought and self-talk.  What I subconsciously think about my self is what I believe.  To achieve what I want, that needs to be addressed.

Who do I think I am?

What I think of myself inside my own head can sometimes be problematic.  I get annoyed at myself for my failings, real and perceived.  I get frustrated when I do not accomplish all that I might set out to do in a given day.  There are times I envision myself as fat, lazy, wacky, and unworthy of achieving anything I might desire.

Thinking of myself in this way is not healthy.  Nor will it allow me to build what I am wanting to build.  How can I manifest who I want to be when I think poorly of myself?

I need to continue to work on this.  I need to think about myself positively, and not berate myself for any shortcomings, real or perceived.  When I have consciously created my reality in the past, all of my focus, both conscious and subconscious, was on a singular outcome.  I know I can do this – I have done it before.

No matter what world I work in, no matter what bridges I am crossing, I know who I am.  I need to be nicer to myself, think better of myself, and I will succeed.  I need to do a better job of being conscious of what I am thinking about subconsciously, and to change the narrative when it is not for my betterment.

This will require more focus.  I’ve done it before, and I can do it again.  The key is to not knock myself down mentally and emotionally when I err, and to see anything that is not what I want as a temporary setback, and an opportunity to take-away something good.

As always, thank you for crossing the bridges with me.

 

GOAL LOG – Week 38:

Diet:  Mostly back on track, but not so good about writing it out.

Exercise:  Fencing two days, but not much else.

Writing:  Lots of blog posts, some work on the sci-fi story.

Meditation:  Several days last week, never less than 9 minutes.

Gratitude:  I was not tracking my gratitude.

 

This is the fifty-third entry of my personal journey, the Crossing the Bridges series.  My collectively published writing can be found here.

Please take a moment to click the subscribe button (even if you did so before the blog was reformatted) and sign up for my newsletters!  Thank you!

Pathwalking 55

What about branching paths? How do you figure out if the branches are worth walking or need pruning off of your life paths?

This was an excellent question asked following Pathwalking 53.  The answer is both extremely simple and potentially complex.

As you walk your path, you will come across forks, branches, crossroads, and various and sundry obstacles.  How can you tell a diversion from a proper path?  How do you choose which is the way to go?

Let’s break this down into steps.  And remember – the answer will not always be simple nor straightforward.  Different branches will present different issues/problems/opportunities, and thus different solutions.

What path am I on?  This is an important question to ask, because it may explain why you reached this branch/fork/what-have-you.  Were you straying?  Did you lose your way?  Is there an aspect of the path you have been walking that alters your course?

What options are in front of me?  Does the alternative to the path you are on present a problem, an opportunity, an utterly unknown variable?  Is it simply a matter of turn left versus turn right?  Zig or zag?  Which leads to the next question:

What are the consequences of the choices of path before me?  Will there be any major ramifications from one choice over another?  Am I making a mountain out of a molehill debating my options?

Feel out each path.  I cannot stress enough the importance of this step.  Analysis is all well and good, and very important – but if you do not feel your way forward, if you do not have a sense of good versus neutral versus bad with regards to the choices, then you will not likely be able to make the right choice.

I have said over and over through the course of Pathwalking that feeling is of the utmost importance.  And when you reach a branch, or fork, or whatever, you have to feel out your answer.  If your gut sinks at the thought of one option, but you start feeling energized and excited about another, which do you think you should choose?

Now what happens if your head is in conflict with your heart?  Ask yourself why.  Are they in conflict for any logical reason, or is it fear?  Have you over-analyzed, and that is what is producing the conflict?  Is there an outside influence causing the conflict?

Once you have worked on getting the head and the heart on the same page, the final step:

Choose a path.  Which branch/fork/alternative do you take?  Don’t stand too long at the precipice – make your choice and go with it.

What if I choose wrong?  In all probability you will realize rather quickly if you’ve picked the wrong branch to walk.  However, like all aspects of Pathwalking, even a wrong choice may lead you somewhere you need to be.

Pathwalking is about choosing a path, and walking a path, and whatever adventures happen along the way.  But rather than walk along your life aimlessly or blindly, you are choosing what life might bring you.  Life does not live you – you live your life.

These answers are extremely open ended.  That’s true.  And that is because what is right for me is not going to be right for you, or anyone else.  But the various and sundry bits and pieces along the way will be similar.  The steps may change order, and some may even be skippable, but they are going to help you make your choices.  And this is true whether you are just starting your path, or already walking along it.

No matter whether your path is straight, bumpy, simple, complex, branched, forked, or what-have-you – the key to it all is choice.  Pathwalking is about choosing for yourself life as you wish it to be.  But what you find along the journey might be greater and more life-altering than your wildest dreams ever conceived.

Let me conclude this by asking a different question.  Why choose your own path, rather than let your path choose you?  My answer is this – because I want to control my destiny.  I want to live MY life, as I want to live it, so that when I inevitably reach the end, rather than full of regret for what might have been, I will look back at all the wondrous experiences of my life fondly.

What will YOU do when your path branches?

 

This is the fifty-fifth entry in my series. These weekly posts are specifically about walking along the path of life, and my desire to make a difference in this world along the way. Thank you for joining me.

Pathwalking 54

Do you know yourself?

I have encountered far more people for whom the answer to that question is No, rather than Yes.

What does that even mean?

As a society, we have become extremely complacent about our lives.  I say over and over again that people too often just let life live them.  Get up in the morning, go to work, go home, veg in front of the TV a couple hours, go to bed.  Rinse, repeat.  We look to deflect blame or find quick fixes more easily than looking to ourselves for the answers.

It is far easier to allow yourself to be distracted.  It is easier to blame your job, the clock, the kids, the pets, the co-workers, the friends, the family, the weather…take your pick.  And casting about all that blame and finding all those excuses drives us further and further away from ourselves.

Who am I?

It’s not my name, my job, or my relationships that define this.  It is who I see myself as when I look deep.  And I a thinker or a feeler?  A doer or a dreamer?  Blind or clear sighted?  It is knowing that the answer is seldom black and white, and that it is always changing that begs the reason to ask the question rather often.

This might seem like a lot of work.  What’s the point of asking myself who I am if the answer is always changing?  The more you ask the question, the smaller and more subtle the changes will be.  The wider the gap between times you ask the question, the more change will have occurred.

I have been over this theme before.  Life is constantly changing.  Pathwalking is about having some control and direction over those changes.  But if I do not know who I am as I start down this path, I am not going to get the result I want.

Do you REALLY know yourself, or do you know only an aspect of yourself?  “Well we all have a face that we hide away forever, and we take them out and show ourselves when everyone has gone.”  This line from Billy Joel’s The Stranger perfectly defines this.  People put on different masks for different occasions.

Do you show the same person to your family as to your friends?  How about coworkers?  Do you show the same person to a random stranger on the street that you show your most intimate companion?  In what ways do you change your facial expressions, tone, body language – depending on whom you are with?  How does your thought process and reactions change?

If you can look at this and see that you make very few to no changes for different people you may be associating with, then the answer to the question is yes.  But if you find that you put on a different mask depending on what group or person or persons you are with, the answer is clearly no.

I can’t be myself in front of my coworkers.  I don’t want my lover to see my dark side.  If I don’t play the clown, my friends won’t like me.  All of these are masks we wear, and I would postulate we wear them more for ourselves than those around us.

If I know myself, then I do not need to put on a mask for anyone.  Why?  Because in knowing who I am, I know what I want and need.  I also know that I do not need approval or validation from an outside source, and as such do not need to mask my appearance from one group to the next.

“This above all: to thine own self be true.”  – Polonius in William Shakespeare’s Hamlet.  A fictional character, to be sure, but the meaning of the statement is not diminished by that.  Pathwalking is about choice.  But to make choices and walk paths, to make the life I want for myself, who but myself must I be true to in order to succeed?

Everything comes from within.  Success, satisfaction, happiness.  Doesn’t matter, if it is real, it has come from within.  The outside world can give you signs that you may be on the wrong path, as well as validation that you are on the right path.  But you and you alone know if you are being true to yourself.  And in order to be true to you, you have to know yourself.

If you do not ask the question because you do not think you will like the answer, it is imperative that you ask.  If you are not content with the answer, guess who is the only person capable of changing it?

Do you know yourself?

 

This is the fifty-fourth entry in my series. These weekly posts are specifically about walking along the path of life, and my desire to make a difference in this world along the way. Thank you for joining me.

 

 

 

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