The Ramblings of the Titanium Don

Explorations of Conscious Reality Creation and Other Matters

Tag: meritocracy

Pathwalking 166

What is it I want from my life? Where do I want to take this path to? Who do I really want to be?

Now that I have identified the real fear that causes me to sabotage myself, that being the fear of loss, what chances do I want to take that would lead to succeeding or failing? What is it I want to gain from my success or failure?

This is a very hard question for me to answer. Because I have lived so much of my life making moves on the perceived whims of other influences, and because I have allowed myself for so long to stand at crossroads or take minimal actions so as to avoid loss, the specific what of the path I wish to choose lacks simplicity. I know from my experience that I want to choose my own path, however.

Pathwalking is my philosophy for how I want to live my life. I choose my own path, I choose my own destiny. Pathwalking, as stated time and again, is about choice and control and not letting the outside influences dictate my life for me.

I have not just crafted my philosophy out of thin air. I have personal life experience of course, but I have also listened to and read a number of things that have influenced the formulation of this idea. My source materials include The Secret, Tony Robbins, The Four Agreements, Paulo Coelho, The Dali Lama, Neil deGrasse Tyson and many other philosophers, scientists and great thinkers. I have taken lessons learned from these sources and more, as well as my own experiences with and belief that Consciousness ultimately Creates Reality to create Pathwalking.

This is the abstract concept, the framework in which I want to live my life. The path, the journey itself is of equal or greater importance than the goal, because the majority of life happens in the journey. For that reason, the journey cannot be aimless and meandering, which is why we have goals.

I use a lot of metaphors in explaining the what of Pathwalking, but I seldom get into the specifics of the journey and the goals. What is it that actually makes up the path, and how is choosing to be a Pathwalker different from not making such a choice?

Back to my original questions. What is it I want from my life? Personally, I want to be happy. In order to be happy, I know that I want to feel free, I want to love and be loved, and I want to feel successful. These are the big, overarching intangibles I want to have in my life. While the most abstract concept is happiness, I have also identified that to feel happy I need to also feel free, to feel love and loved, and to feel successful.

Where do I want to take this path to, and in setting a goal who do I really want to be? That is the crux, because this is where there are specific and tangible concepts that will lead to the intangibles. What is it I need to do daily in order to feel free, to feel love and loved and to feel successful so that ultimately I will feel happy? This last question is one I should not just ask today, I should ask it EVERY SINGLE DAY because the answer will change. Despite patterns that are repetitive, no two days are precisely alike. Ever. The pattern feels repetitive and lacking in freshness and choice when I do not ask these questions.

What is it I need to do daily in order to feel free, to feel love and loved and to feel successful so that ultimately I will feel happy? My daily needs are not the same as yours, of course, but I want to still share what I need to do. And I say need to do because I have not been making this a daily practice…and it is time I begin to do so. This practice I believe is a key to unlocking and removing the fear of loss that the fear of failure and success has so long been masking.

To feel free I need to meditate daily, I need to give time to writing or editing one of my works of fiction, and I need to remind myself that I am in control of this path. I need to not focus on money, on issues at work, and on concerns with future plans but instead focus on abundance, the people I work with and today instead of the future. I believe if I pay attention to this rather than just let it be, I can remove the intangible and sometimes paralyzing fear of loss.

To love and feel loved I need to tell the people I love that I love them. I need to pet my cats and listen to them purr and I need to consciously avoid gossip and negativity about people and things. This one is the simplest for me to work with.

To feel successful is frankly tied directly to what I need to do in order to feel free. I need to edit and write, I need to not focus on becoming a bestselling author but instead focus on the fact that I successfully post to this blog twice a week, that I have published my first fantasy novel, that I am completing editing on the second novel, that I have completed the third novel in that series, the first novel in another series and still have novels underway in both. I need to view what I perceive oftentimes as minor success for the more significance they hold. I also need to know that because I love and am loved that this also makes me successful.

What it all boils down to is this – I need to ask myself daily – what is it I need to do today so that ultimately I will feel happy? Today’s answer may differ from tomorrow’s, but the question needs to be asked, because the answer will let me change my focus so that the intangible fears can be eliminated and replaced instead by opportunities.

What questions do you need to ask yourself daily to achieve your goals?

 

This is the one-hundred sixty-sixth entry in my series. These weekly posts are specifically about walking along the path of life, and my personal desire to make a difference in this world along the way. Feel free to re-blog and share.  Thank you for joining me.

The first year of Pathwalking, including some expanded ideas, is available in print and for your Kindle.

Pathwalking 165

How do I overcome my fears so that I can stop from sabotaging myself again? This is a question I have never directly asked myself before, and now that I have it is time to explore it, and find some answers.

The first step is to identify my fears. As mentioned previously, I have an equal fear of failure and success. However, even knowing that these are the two greatest fears that cause me to sabotage myself, they are not the root fears. No, the root fears are, I believe, more primal than this.

What do I fear about failing or succeeding? That’s the question I have to ask now. What will happen if I succeed or fail, and why do I fear that?

I lose comfort. I lose the baseline I have established for my life. I lose the things that are familiar, that are safe, that make up my everyday contentment. Despite being dissatisfied with aspects of my life, there is a primal fear that if I pull the thread, the tapestry will entirely unravel. If I go after the dissatisfaction and succeed or fail to change it, what if I destroy in the process something I am comfortable and at least moderately satisfied with?

This may be the crux of my self-sabotage. Failure and success are not the real fear, they are the gateway to the real fear. The real fear, ultimately, is loss. I fear I will lose what I have already fought to create for my life, and I fear that I may lose myself, and as such the people I have drawn to my life whom I care for and who care for me.

Why do I have this fear? Where does it come from? I am not about to go into an in depth analysis of my childhood or my parents or any of that stuff, because while that is where these roots were planted it is myself as an adult who has cultivated them. But in discovering that this is the real fear, that this is the root of my self-sabotage, I can now empower myself to take actions in order to overcome this fear.

The first action is for me to realize that this fear is wholly and completely intangible. No matter the people, places and things I have in my life, at the heart of it all I will always have myself. I know who I am, I know who I have been and whom I wish to be as I move forward in my life, and that is really what matters. There is no tiger preparing to pounce on me, this is a deep fear that is in all reality a mere phantom.

Loss is a powerful fear, and it feels pretty damned tangible. But it’s not. The premise of loss is often larger and more powerful than the actual loss will be. It is so easy to believe that with loss will be pain, hurt and suffering, and we will do nearly anything to avoid this kind of pain.

I believe that emotional, spiritual and even intellectual pain can be far more devastating to us than physical pain. And when you consider that this is an intangible, like many fears the have power over us, it makes perfect sense. It is all a perfect storm of intangibles that can be more paralyzing than any physical damages.

Why do I fear loss so much? There are any number of reasons, but the main one is the pain it will make me feel. I don’t want to feel alone, abandoned, discarded, disregarded, empty, ignored, forgotten or any other related negative emotion. I don’t want to lose the people and things I have in my life because of success or failure, because I fear how that loss will make me feel.

Even choosing to walk my own path, I have established a certain amount of comfort I am unwilling to risk losing. As such, I am not entirely walking a chosen path, and find myself at the point where I have to either truly face the why and how and take it on, or I need to declare defeat and decide that Pathwalking is not for me.

Three years I have discussed, analyzed and explored this idea, this notion. I have worked in a lot of abstract concepts, but when all is said and done I have only scratched the surface of what it will take for me to walk MY path, and make my own way. I am not at a crossroads this time, I am on the verge of either taking the leap that will get me to my goals…or play it safe and be a hypocrite towards my own ideal I have created in this philosophy.

Sabotage myself again, or realize that my fear of any possible loss is far worse than the losses themselves might be? Failure and success may lead to loss…but on the other hand what they might lead to is gain. Isn’t that what I want?

This of course raises the next question before me. What is it I want from my life? Where do I want to take this path to? Who do I really want to be?

I will take the leap and face my fear head on. What would you do faced with the same choices?

 

This is the one-hundred sixty-fifth entry in my series. These weekly posts are specifically about walking along the path of life, and my personal desire to make a difference in this world along the way. Feel free to re-blog and share.  Thank you for joining me.

The first year of Pathwalking, including some expanded ideas, is available in print and for your Kindle.

Pathwalking 164

How do you determine if you are your own saboteur?

This is a topic unfortunately near and not-so-dear to my heart. This concept has reared its ugly head on more than one occasion for me, and represents a major obstacle in my works to manifest the life I truly desire to have.

How do you sabotage yourself? This is something I have been trying to figure out for much of my life now, and I believe that getting at its roots is the only way I can successfully deal with the idea and end its ability to derail me.

The how of this concept varies, but the simple version is that I do one of several things. I second guess myself. I question my actions and thoughts and feelings on a matter to the point where instead of moving forward I either stand still or move backwards. I delay decisions so that my choices fade. I take actions that are counter to what I want, and invariably tear down what I have been building. I allow distractions to overtake what I should be focusing on, and lose sight of my goal. I jump paths.

All of these actions and inactions can sabotage my path. This has been a recurrent issue throughout my life, applied to relationships, to jobs, to opportunities missed. I will be traversing the desired path, and as I begin to succeed…I get in my own way. I don’t need outside influences conspiring to knock me off my path, I do it to myself with an uncanny skill.

The question this raises is – Why? Why do I do this, and keep doing this? Why do I allow myself to leave my path or worse to actively sabotage myself? What’s the issue here?

I am pretty sure that this all comes down to fear. Though there are very few tangible fears I have, the intangibles are often more powerful and destructive, largely because they are hard to see and as such hard to acknowledge and do anything about.

What kinds of fears am I talking about? Probably in large measure fear of success equal to fear of failure.

Fear of failure most people are familiar with. Nobody wants to fail, we as a society in fact have an unhealthy obsession with success. I say unhealthy because we tend to point to failure and decry it, make fun of it, exploit it. We are so obsessed with the notion that we have to succeed at all costs that when we see failure we apply a great deal of shame and loathing towards it.

We forget that many of the inventions that have made our world a better place were actually the result of failures. The vulcanized rubber tires on your car and Post-It notes being prime examples of this.

I fear failure I suspect for the same reasons most other people do. I don’t want to let anyone down, I don’t want to have to start over, I don’t want to be proven wrong. I don’t want to feel shame, I don’t want to alienate my supporters because I have failed. I don’t want to hurt because I have failed, I don’t want to experience the bad feelings I have been told by my society that I should feel for failing.

Equally powerful, and in many respects more treacherous, there is the fear of success. Everybody wants to succeed, we all want to achieve our goals, we want to successfully negotiate our paths and win. Our society in many respects has an equally unhealthy obsession with success, driving ourselves to the point where we lose sight of and sacrifice happiness and joy to succeed. We tell our children success is a must, and we have actually sacrificed meritocracy for mediocrity so that everyone can experience success.

The pressure to succeed can be so great that we can come to fear its results as much as we fear failing. Why? Because we see many of the so-called “successful” people in our world, and we see them as being alone, being tyrants, being egomaniacal, greedy and power-obsessed.

I fear success for nearly the same reasons I fear failure. I don’t want to let anyone down, I don’t want to have to start over, I don’t want to be proven wrong. I don’t want to feel shame, I don’t want to alienate my supporters because I have succeeded. I don’t want to hurt because I have succeeded, I don’t want to experience the bad feelings I have been told by my society that I should feel for being a success.

Yes, these opposite fears are in many respects precisely the same. They both come down to how my friends, family and loved ones will relate to me. I want so much to keep them close and keep them engaged that I am ultimately afraid of driving them off.

Whether that fear is based in reality or unfounded, it is, I suspect, the root of why I sabotage myself. I have written about fear and its power over me and the rest of the world on numerous occasions here, and it is not an easy thing to banish. What’s worse is that even knowing that this is why I am my own saboteur, it does not make repairing the problem any easier. In truth, it raises more questions.

How do I overcome my fears so that I can stop from sabotaging myself again? This is a question I have never directly asked myself before, and now that I have it is time to explore it, and find some answers. Please join me next week as I explore this particular obstacle along my path.

Do you ever sabotage yourself?

 

This is the one-hundred sixty-fourth entry in my series. These weekly posts are specifically about walking along the path of life, and my personal desire to make a difference in this world along the way. Feel free to re-blog and share.  Thank you for joining me.

The first year of Pathwalking, including some expanded ideas, is available in print and for your Kindle.

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