What am I afraid of?
How come I constantly find myself uncertain, unsure and lost? Why can’t I break out of this pattern?
I know how this goes, and yet I still find that I cannot get out of my own way. I am afraid I will disappoint. I am afraid of disapproval. I am afraid of letting people down. I am afraid to succeed. I am afraid to fail.
Fear is the loudest message being broadcast to us. Every single day we are inundated with messages about the things we need to be afraid of.
Fear foreigners. Fear the rich. Fear the poor. Fear disease. Fear the unknown. Fear the known. Fear that guy. Fear this guy. Be afraid, because when you are afraid we can control you.
I have mentioned many times that I suffer from very abstract fears. I am not afraid of tangible things, I am fearful of intangibles. Fear leads me to anger, and now my mind is in darkness and I dig myself deeper and deeper into a pit of despair that is VERY hard to escape from.
I have been practicing Pathwalking for nearly four years now. In the process I have experienced some of the greatest highs I could imagine. My life has been colorful, it has been interesting, and it has really, honestly been good. I have experienced largely positive changes in my world, and I am so immensely grateful for that fact that I can barely conjure the proper words to express it.
Yet underneath it all there has been a current of disassociation. I question whether I really know what I am doing, or if I am a fake. Do I have any actual knowledge and experience, or am I just making this up as I go along? When everyone else figures out I am full of it and I haven’t the foggiest idea about what I am talking about, will they just abandon me or will they seek to destroy me in the process?
Have I actually learned anything, or am I just spinning my wheels? I need to really get ahold of my emotional state, and I need to stop letting that sense of dread, that feeling of inadequacy rule my emotions. I have done this before, I have manifested many things in my life. This needs to have the same importance, and be given the same attention so that I can create it too.
There are two questions that are utterly fundamental to my life whether I am walking my own path or not. Who am I? What do I want?
Who am I? We are not just these meat suits running around, working jobs, connecting with other meat suits and directly experiencing this world. We go way beyond that, we are at our core energy. EVERYTHING is energy, which is why all are one.
Each of us has carved out a little niche of energy we call ourselves. That is not just the body we walk around in, it is the heart, the soul, the mind, the emotions, the thoughts, the actions that make us into who we are. We label things, body parts internal and external, and we give ourselves names. We identify ourselves with our names, but this is just the surface.
Getting to know myself, deep down, at the core of my being is an interesting challenge. Why? Because no one but me can see me at that level. I alone know who I am beneath the surface. Past the name, past the outside actions no one but me knows me.
I know who I am at this moment. But who I am, who you are is in a constant state of flux. The very core of our beings does not change, yet we are always changing because life is not static. This is probably why I can get ahold of myself for a while…but then manage to slip again.
What do I want? There are several things I want, and I know what they are. Part of the problem is that I am either too specific about what I want, or not specific enough. I either have sort of a vague idea of what I want the thing to be, or I have a far-too-detailed and involved knowledge of what I want.
I am constantly finding myself focusing on the how. How is this going to happen? How can I possibly get from point ‘a’ to point ‘b’? How will that work? How does the machine operate? When it comes to manifesting your life, working out the how just causes you to go nowhere. Why? Because the workings of the Universe are mysterious and complex.
There is no fairy godmother granting wishes. The Universe may contain a lot of vacuum, but it doesn’t just bring things out of nothing, per se. You have to have thought, followed up with intent, then emotional energy and intentional actions. But a detailed, step-by-step guide is not a part of that, because it shows a lack of faith and trust and belief.
Blind faith is just that – blind. You cannot go through life praying away things or praying for things and hoping through blind faith you will create something amazing. You have to put energy into it, and you have to act on intent. This is where people who do not know what they want sometimes err the most. They don’t know what they want, so they instead focus on what they don’t want. Because thought, intent, emotion and action manifest reality, guess what you wind up creating?
Knowing what you do not want is as important as knowing what you DO want. The key is to know it, and release it. Focusing on what you don’t want will bring it about.
This is one of my biggest issues with my own path. Faced with something I don’t want, I sometimes find it hard NOT to focus on it. I know I need to put my intention, my attention elsewhere. Knowing and acting, however, sometimes miss one another.
I know who I am. I know what I want. I need to apply the techniques I know to release my fears, and I need to hold my head up and be certain that I have chosen paths to walk that are the right ones for me.
Do you know who you are and what you want?
This is the one-hundred ninety fifth entry in my series. These weekly posts are specifically about walking along the path of life, and my personal desire to make a difference in this world along the way. Feel free to re-blog and share. Thank you for joining me.