The Ramblings of the Titanium Don

Explorations of Conscious Reality Creation and Other Matters

Category: Crossing the Bridges (Page 2 of 6)

Why the “How” of things trips me up.

Why does the “how” of it all continue to get in my way?

Two weeks ago I discussed the block I encounter between idea and end goal.  I want to be a bestselling author.  The “how” of the process is what keeps tripping me up, and I think it’s time to dig deeper into why that is.

Conscious reality creation works.  I’ve done it many times, and I intellectually understand it.  One of my greatest issues, though, is emotions, which is part of how I keep stumbling.

exploring the howIn no regard do I blame my parents, certainly not after all this time.  When they divorced nearly four decades ago, to protect myself from feeling hurt and taking undue blame for their divorce, I shunted off my emotions.  I was a smart enough kid to tell the psychologist what the feelings should feel like…but I didn’t actually feel them.  This would go on for over twenty-five years, until a different therapist and I unlocked this matter.

Feelings…nothing more than feelings.

Once I recognized my intellectualization of emotions, rather than feeling them, I was able to start changing things.  Thus I began to work on actually feeling, and from there my life changed.  I started to feel a passion for manifesting what I wanted, I started to approach relationships differently, and this is where I began to build the life I have today.

I have come to believe that while thought and intentional action are important to manifesting things, the key is feeling.  You can’t just think and act on something, you have to FEEL it.  You have to feel certain, sure that it will be.  It is necessary to feel that my thought has been made manifest, and let the Universe deliver.

I always want to know how.

I am a curious person.  Understanding how things work has always been a part of my nature.  There has always been a drive to uncover the truth of things, and to really know “how” the universe works.

There are any number of instances where knowing how things work is useful.  I like knowing how an airplane flies, how my circulation system works, how to change a tire and other information.  But when it comes to manifesting through conscious reality creation, figuring out “how” it works gets in the way.

Simply put, every single book I have read or listened to says the same thing.  You begin with thought, then give that thought feeling, and from there take intentional actions to move things forward.  Simple enough, except often exactly HOW this will work is unknown.

I want to be a bestselling author.  That’s my thought.  I strive to feel what that will feel like, feel how it will affect my life, my moods, my thinking, my finances.  I work to feel it in the now, to really be truly aware of what it feels like.  Then, I take actions that tie in, with the intent of making it manifest.

Questioning how.

How is this going to work?  Then how will I turn my existing work into bestsellers?  How do I make money from this?  Then how do I promote myself to get known?  All of these questions begin with the same word – HOW.  Because I cannot see how to get from where I am to where I want to be, I move forward at a snail’s pace, or less.

The Secret sums up the conscious creation process thus: Ask, Believe, Receive.  Ask for what I want, Believe I already have it, and then Receive it.  I know this is how manifestation works…but I still seek to know more detailed HOW.

Is this a lack of faith?

I am a proponent of logic.  Science and reason offer truth.  However, I am all for faith, but not to the exclusion of reason.  Blind Faith was a great band, but is not a great way to approach life, the universe and everything.

The universe is full of infinite possibility.  My faith in this comes from proof I’ve witnessed with my own eyes, and is not blind.  But my need to understand how, seeking logic and reason in the illogical, causes a paradox that complicates my work to live the life I most desire to.

It all ties into my need to feel more thoroughly.  Faith is a feeling.  I need to have faith that this is possible, and that how it will come about is not something to concern myself with.  I need to feel that this is real, that I have achieved it, and believe that it’s mine.  There needs to be faith that I am capable of manifesting this.  Conscious reality creation.

I know that this will not supplant my need to understand how.  That’s a part of my nature.  But knowing that my preoccupation with “how” interferes with my paths is an important step.  I have become aware of this matter.  Awareness is part of conscious reality creation, so I can work with this to move forward.

Think.  Feel.  Actions.

More meditation.  I need to take more pauses in the day to be truly aware of what I am thinking and feeling, and work on keeping my eye on the prize.  I know I can do this.  There is no need for me to know how, I just need to feel it through.

As always, thank you for crossing the bridges with me.

 

GOAL LOG – Week 31:

The goal log has not been fully maintained this week, as I am attending the Pennsic War.

 

This is the forty-fifth entry of my personal journey, the Crossing the Bridges series.  My collectively published writing can be found here.

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What Happens When the “Other Shoe” Drops?

When the other shoe drops, do you pick it up?

I have been anticipating this situation for several months now.  I had hoped to depart on my own terms, but I suspected this was coming.  So it was not much of a surprise.

The job I have held for the past year, and been duly grateful for, has come to an end.  Now my eight hours a day in a place where I was all-too-often bored, and frequently unhappy, is no more.

I am not upset nor angry about this.  Rather, I am seeing it as an opportunity to move my life forward.  Consciousness creates reality, and I know what it is I want to create.  There are bridges I want to cross, and cross them I will.

Since I was let go from the job, I have made excellent use of my time.  A while back I created a schedule I called A Day in the Life – The Life I Most Desire.  In that schedule I laid out my work day (starting at 8:30am), giving myself time for writing and editing, exercise, reading, lunch.  I even gave myself time to goof off in the morning, play games, put my brain in gear at my own pace.

How will this make me money?  That is not what I am currently focused on.  I am concerned with living life in the manner I have long desired, and from this action find everything I need to live as fully as I can.

Can I sustain this?  That remains to be seen.  I am striving to find a way, because this is how I want my life to be.

Can I make money doing what I love?

This is the elephant in the room, the question that most needs to be answered.  Can I work this all out so that I will make money doing this?  How can I make this happen?  Is there a way I can get this blog to make money; more books to sell; other options that involve writing for money?

The first step in manifestation is believing.  Faith, which I mentioned before, is important to conscious reality creation.  Most of all, faith in myself as a creator, and from there faith in the Universe.  Faith in my belief in conscious reality creation and manifestation.

I know that this works, as I have made it work before.  I need to apply it to now, to my life as it currently is, and to become whom I want to be.  To do that I have to think it, feel it, take actions like following this schedule I created to make it so.

The Secret approaches conscious reality creation with different words – Ask, Believe and Receive.  Action for the thought – ask; for the feeling, believe; for the intentional action, receive.  In thinking about this life I want to live, I am asking of myself to become a professional, full-time writer.  When it comes to feeling, I am believing that I have made this manifest.  Lastly, my actions are a reflection of my receiving what I have asked for.

Where do I go from here?

Now that I am not spending most of my waking hours in a place where I was unhappy, I am better able to feel positive, to feel how it feels to succeed at what I want.  Yes, I could dwell on the loss of my salary and changes to my benefits, but in what way will that be healthy?  I instead am making a choice to take this situation and make the very best of it that I can.

Life is too short to spend so much of it unhappy.  How come we accept so readily that this is what work is meant to be?  I know that I need to make money to pay for the things I want and need in life, but do I have to miserable making it?  Why do we so easily accept that at face value?

I think somewhere along the way we, as a society, have lost sight of what we work for.  We are not on this planet for the limited time we get to be here just to go through the motions, we are here to live.  We are here to experience life, good and bad, up and down, in all its amazing glory.  Spending eight or more hours every day in a place that leaves us exhausted, unhappy and stressed does not make any sense.

Yet we all know that we have to earn money, and to earn money we have to work.  The goal is often to earn as much money as possible, and that being the case we will take the jobs that pay the most and offer the best benefits, even when they do not make us happy.  That’s the standard way we do it.

I am not a standard person.

I have never been “normal”, whatever that means.  My life has regularly involved partaking of a different path, a unique way of being – sometimes by choice, but in my youth more often by circumstance.  For example, I didn’t choose for my parents to divorce when it was an uncommon thing in the 1980’s.  It was not my choice to be a part of the relatively small Jewish community in the ‘burbs of Minneapolis, surrounded by a majority of Lutherans.  I chose to pursue theatre in my high school rather than with the local JCC.  Then I chose to be the only graduate of my HS to attend Ithaca College in New York State.

Before I understood intentional actions and conscious reality creation, I frequently did unusual things.  I made choices that were entirely my own.  But due to my lack of understanding about conscious reality creation, I frequently have experienced being the square peg attempting to fit into the round hole.  I need to leave no room for doubt, and create the life I most desire.

Sometimes this is more challenging than not, but I am going to make it work.  As always, thank you for crossing the bridges with me!

 

GOAL LOG – Week 30:

Diet:  I’ve been pretty good this week overall, following a weekend of not as good.

Exercise:  Fencing one day, four days of various exercise at the gym, and an afternoon of swimming.

Writing:  The three blog posts were done; editing of Harbinger occurred; I did some work on my sci-fi novel.

Meditation:  Five of seven days last week, never less than 5 minutes.

Gratitude:  I expressed gratitude for 5 things on five days last week.

 

This is the forty-fourth entry of my personal journey, the Crossing the Bridges series.  My collectively published writing can be found here.

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Why Do I Write?

I write on a lot of different topics.

It all began when I was nine, and I wrote (and illustrated) a 50 page sci-fi story.  I wrote a few other bits and pieces along the way.  Then I learned to type, and I started typing sci-fi works.  Then I started to write fantasy.

I began The Source Chronicles in 1998.  There was a scene, followed by another scene, then another.  In time I had a novel.  The novel became a series, which I am continuing to work on (all-too-slowly, though).

I don’t recall when, but I started blogging from time to time on LiveJournal.  Eventually, I started this blog, and now I post three times a week on different aspects of conscious reality creation.

I have mentioned on more than one occasion that I write in more than one genre.  One of the reasons I began these posts was to build the bridges between them, to better express myself as a writer.

For a long time I did not call myself a writer.  I would write things, both for work and for my own pleasure, but I didn’t call myself writer.  Then I got my first short story published, and from there my own self-talk changed.  I began to think, hey, I AM a writer.

Why, if I’ve written about this before am I bringing it up once again?  Because I am still working on my own doubts, my own skepticism, my own fears that I am only a pretender to the title.

What IS a writer?

I have a talent for getting caught up in my own head.  I question things, I doubt, I get skeptical, I get distracted.  For much of my life I saw the definition of a writer as either a published journalist, or a published author.  Anything in between was a pretender, a wannabe, a hobbyist.  That’s where I placed myself for some time.

Coupled with that, for years and years I did not know what I truly wanted from my life.  I spent a couple of decades exploring ideas, considering options.  I left college with a degree that I had no real use for in the workplace.  Here I was with different talents and skills and ideas, but limited drive and a host of fears holding me back.  There was much bouncing from job to job, but little consistency.

Yet I kept coming back to writing.  No matter what I was doing, somewhere along the way I was writing.  I would blog, I would work on The Source Chronicles, I would be doing something to put words to the page.  It took me a while to recognize that I AM a writer, because this is what I love and how I want to identify myself.

Further, there was the realization that, while I have always found writing in almost every form easy, for many it is not.  Even people I know to be good writers of their own accord come to me for my work, or to edit theirs.

What is a writer?  I no longer define a writer as a published journalist or author.  A writer writes because it is what they do.  A writer is someone who expresses themselves with words in such a way as to evoke understanding, feeling, thought and maybe even inspiration.  Sometimes this is simply a matter of self expression, and sometimes it’s to provide help to others.  I am a writer.

What identifying as a writer means to me.

It is my goal to become a bestselling author.  But more than that, it is my goal to be able to make my living as a writer.  That’s not an easy task.

So far, sales of my books are hobbyist, at best.  I sell a few e books here and there, a paperback or two…but my sales, while all appreciated, are not sufficient to produce steady income.  This blog has not reached that point, either.   Consciousness creates reality, but it requires focus.  I have thought about what I want, felt out what it will feel like, and taken actions to move it all forward.  Yet due to my need to understand the HOW of it, I move forward only at a snail’s pace.

Why does the “how” of it all get in my way?  Because manifesting any goal relies on trusting the Universe to work out the “how”.  For example, medical science told me that surgeries and long periods of time would heal me completely.  I refused to accept that it would take so long as they thought, and though I had no concept of HOW to accelerate my healing, I knew, unquestionably, that it would be so.  They told me it would be 1-3 years before I’d walk again – yet I was walking after 7 months.  The “how” of the speed of my recovery never even crossed my mind, I just knew it would BE.

How is the purview of the Universe.

This is the only aspect of “how” in regards to conscious reality creation.  Thought, feeling, intentional actions, and let the rest fall into place as needs be.  But due to my own skeptical nature, and some well-intentioned resistance, I keep trying to wrap my head around “how” this will happen.  How will I be able to make the money I need to make my living as a writer?

This warrants further examination.  I have no answers today, but questions to consider and further explore.

As always, thank you for Crossing the Bridges with me.

 

GOAL LOG – Week 29:

Diet:  Still maintaining less carbs and sugars.

Exercise:  Fencing one day, three days of a single lap around the small lake.  One more day with a ton of walking.

Writing:  The three blog posts were done.

Meditation:  Six of seven days last week, never less than 6 minutes (save one day with only 2 minutes).

Gratitude:  I expressed gratitude for 5 things on every day last week.

 

This is the forty-third entry of my personal journey, the Crossing the Bridges series.  My collectively published writing can be found here.

Please take a moment to click the subscribe button and sign up for my newsletters!  Thank you!

 

What Have I Done With Challenges?

Some challenges are better than others.

As I have mentioned before, the reason why this blog is called The Ramblings of a Titanium Don is due to two reasons. A title I get to assume from the Society for Creative Anachronism (the medieval re-enactment society I’ve been a part of for over 25 years); and the three titanium plates holding together my right clavicle.

Me, NYE 1999/2000. I am in a wheelchair in this picture.

In case you missed this: On the last day of November, 1999, I was struck by a car crossing a street a quarter-mile from home.   I suffered pretty severe injuries to my right leg, right clavicle, and nerve damage to my right arm.  What followed was a year of serious recovery and therapy, and some pretty wicked scars.

Yes, it was a hit-and-run.  No, they never caught the driver.  Now, nearly 18 years later, unless I show you the impressive scars (or you manage to hit the titanium plate with a sword while fencing against me) you wouldn’t know how broken I was.

Important life lessons were learned.

As I was starting my recovery, I discovered that there were three primary ways to live life.

  1. Go with the flow.  Let life live you.  Go about the routine, let time have its way with you and the natural ebb and flow of life carry you along.
  2. Curl up in a ball and wait for death.  Don’t experience life, complain about everything, blame everyone else, pray for the afterlife but mostly avoid this lifetime.
  3. Grab life like the proverbial bull by the horns, and take it for ride.  Make choices, take chances, fight and push and manifest what you desire.

I quickly learned that I preferred option 3.  My recovery surprised and delighted my therapists, my doctors, and my family and friends.  I defied expectations of both the speed of my recovery, and the totality of it.  It was during this period of my life that I came to recognize the power of consciousness creating reality.  I knew only one option.  There was no other choice.  I would walk again normally, I would fence again.  Hell, I would even run again with a fused tibia/fibula in my right leg.

This incident would redefine my life.  Over the course of the next decade and a half I shaped my life philosophy, and majorly embraced conscious reality creation to manifest my desires.  It’s not been without its struggles, and challenges, but it has redefined me in all sorts of unexpected ways.

Using the past to improve the present and future.

Every November there is a wonderful contest called National Novel Writer’s Month (NaNoWriMo).  The challenge: Compose a 50,000 word novelette in 30 days.  The prize:  The satisfaction of completing such a work.  I have faced this challenge several years, and completed a couple works (such as Vortex Pilgrimage).

In 2006, my second attempt at NaNoWriMo, I was debating what to write.  Several friends suggested that I should write out the story of my accident and recovery.  In particular many of the bits that had become some pretty funny stories years later.  I think we determined it might be an inspirational and humorous read for people.

This took my out of my comfort zone in several ways.  I was working a genre I did not normally do.  At that time I wrote sci-fi and fantasy more-or-less exclusively.  I also determined, because of the nature of the tale, to write in first person.  I normally work in third person perspective.

Most of all…there was a LOT of potential for embarrassment.  Yes, on the one hand I had this amazing recovery going on.  On the other, I was doing some rather uncool things (like cheating on my girlfriend).  How would this be received, not only by those involved in the story (even with the names changed), but by anyone who read it?

The very definition of Crossing the Bridges.

Suffice it to say, I wrote the story out.  I gave it an edit or two, and when I put up my author page, I included it in PDF for download.  When we first started dating my wife read it…and despite my less-than-chivalrous actions portrayed in the story, she stayed with me.

For a long time I have resisted sharing this.  Even though I have been told by several who read it this is one of my best works, I’ve been uncomfortable with taking it to a wider audience.  One reason is because I feared it might actually BE one of my best works.

What’s that all about?  Well, for a long time I was a sci-fi and fantasy writer.  It was these genres in which I most wished to be known.  I had a hard time wrapping my head around the notion of becoming known for anything else.

I am getting over that.  Hence this blog, and hence why I have finally have edited, and subsequently published The Journey of a Thousand Miles Begins With a Trip to the Post Office.

A sordid, funny, hopefully inspirational tale.

I hope you will consider getting a copy of my book, read, enjoy, and please review it!  I poured more of my heart and soul into this particular work, and told the story as truly as I could.  As always, thank you for crossing the bridges with me!

 

GOAL LOG – Week 28:

Diet:  Onwards and forwards.

Exercise:  Fencing two days, two days of a single lap around the small lake.  One day with a ton of walking.

Writing:  The three blog posts were done.

Meditation:  Five of seven days last week, never less than 6 minutes.

Gratitude:  I expressed gratitude for 5 things on three days last week.

 

This is the forty-second entry of my personal journey, the Crossing the Bridges series.  My collectively published writing can be found here.

Please take a moment to click the subscribe button and sign up for my newsletters!  Thank you!

How do I Deal With a Test of Faith?

My faith is being tested.

I am facing a test of my belief in conscious reality creation.  Do I believe in myself, and my own ability to consciously create the reality I want to live in?  Do I believe I am manifesting the life I really want to experience?

I have always been the best at sabotaging myself.  There is no need for anyone else to interfere, I can do it just fine, thanks.  I always manage to find the right excuse, or the right issue, or what-have-you to keep small, to maintain the light, but not to increase its intensity.

Why do I sabotage myself?  Because change is scary.  Because my subconscious mind disbelieves I am deserving of the dreams I have.  There is an equal fear of success as there is of failure.  As much as I want to manifest a different life, there is comfort in what I currently have.

I know what I want, and I know that I have to trust the universe that I can manifest it.  The problem I run into is that my inner skeptic resists, and the challenge I experience from that is a lack of faith in consciousness creating reality.

How is my faith being tested?

I have a job that pays me a decent salary, and offers me some decent benefits, too.  I also get paid time off, PTO, which I have not had for quite some time.  This is something I’ve taken advantage of, and so I’ve enjoyed several long weekends, as well as a week at an SCA war in Mississippi, and gotten paid while not working.

Our timekeeping system at this job is wildly inaccurate.  As such, I was led to believe that I had considerably more PTO than I actually do.  In fact, I have so little PTO left that it will pretty much go to the remaining holidays of the year (yes, our system makes no distinctions, PTO is PTO).

This being a holiday week, the office was closed Monday and Tuesday.  To travel to an SCA event, I took today off.  Except, now, I cannot request to be paid for any of these three days.  Thus, I will only be paid for two days this week.

Will this hurt me financially?  Currently, I am happy to report that it will not.  And yet, I am slightly uncomfortable, and debating changing my plans.

In what way is this testing my faith?

I have written here before about my desire to move on from this job, and to write full time.  I write constantly about consciousness creating reality…but as soon as something uncomfortable happens, I shy away.  To be free to travel to events at will and choose how to spend my days is a major component of the reality I am striving to make manifest.  Do I have enough faith in my conscious reality creation to go with my original plan, and continue on the path I have chosen?

Every single self-help and spiritual book I have read or listened to says the same thing.  To manifest the life I want, I have to step outside of my comfort zones.  I have to get uncomfortable, I have to take chances and risks.  It is imperative that I have faith in the Universe to take my thought, feeling and action and make it real.  This is particularly important when the how is unknown…and frequently, the how is a mystery.

Yes, my job is stable, the pay is decent, and the dress code at the office is outstanding.  But this is not who I am, and this is not where I want to spend most of my waking hours.  I want to live the fullest, most joyful life I can.

Can I surrender to the Universe?

There is no denial that I am a bit of a control freak.  Hell, one of the points of Pathwalking is to take control of my destiny.  I have succeeded in consciously creating my reality before, when I had total faith in only one possible outcome.  Some of these experiences were enormous, and some far more minute.  But I know, logically, that I am able to manifest what I desire.  Yet emotionally, I have a much harder time accepting this.  Thus, this test of faith.

Do I truly believe that I can have the goal I am striving towards?  Am I deserving of this?  Can I succeed at manifesting the life I most desire?  Am I willing to get uncomfortable in making the life I want to make?  These are the questions of faith before me, and together they all boil down to this last question.  Can I surrender it all up the Universe?

Is my faith that consciousness creates reality as strong as I wish it to be?  Can I put out the thought, feel the emotion, and act intentionally without knowing all of the how of it, and let the Universe do its thing?  That’s the question with the glowing eyes boring into me.

Expressing my faith.

In showing my faith in the Universe, I am not changing my plans.  Uncomfortable is but a step when it comes to change.  I move forward, eyes wide open, trusting in my faith.  As always, thank you for crossing the bridges with me.

 

GOAL LOG – Week 27:

Diet:  I was lax over the past weekend, but apart from a higher carb intake, not so bad.

Exercise:  Fencing one day, two days of a single lap around the small lake.  One day with a ton of walking.

Writing:  The three blog posts were done.

Meditation:  Four of seven days last week, never less than 4 minutes.

Gratitude:  I expressed gratitude for 5 things on four days last week.

 

This is the forty-first entry of my personal journey, the Crossing the Bridges series.  My collectively published writing can be found here.

Please take a moment to click the subscribe button and sign up for my newsletters!  Thank you!

 

 

 

What do I want from my Reality?

What do I want?

I have been asking this question of myself for most of my adult life.  It is both the single most basic question I can ask, as well as massively loaded.  This is a question that can be rooted in the past, awareness in the present, or looking to the future, which complicates things further.

One of the more complex issues I encounter with this question has long been its opposite.  I was less sure of what I DID want, than of what I DIDN’T want.  While that can be useful, it can also be distracting.  In many ways it becomes the ultimate procrastination.

I spent my twenties indecisively.  I went from relationship to relationship and job to job, always seeking the greener grasses.  While getting hit by that car shifted my thinking in many ways, I proceeded to spend my thirties in nearly the same indecision.  Relationships came and went, jobs came and went, and I never made a decisive choice about anything.

Now, in my forties, I am deciding my life.  I have begun to work with consciously creating my reality.  This has required me to undo a lot of long-held beliefs that no longer serve me, which in turn slows the process, sometimes seemingly to a crawl.

I have decided.

I have been posting to this blog at least weekly for over five-and-a-half years.  Twice weekly for almost three-and-a-half years.  Thrice weekly for forty weeks now.  This was the result of me deciding to do something.  It was one of the first solid, unquestioned decisions I made after decades of indecisions.

Now, in my forties, I have come to realize the importance of decision.  Rather than hmm and haw and deliberate endlessly, I am working with deciding.  This is not always easy, as I have spent most of my adult life afraid that the wrong decision would make me unhappy, so more often than not I decided not to decide at all.

One of the pitfalls of this realization for me is a vague sense of regret.  How much of my time did I waste on my lack of decisions?  However, the other side of the same coin is recognizing all that I learned from my previous, indecisive ways.

Now that I know how powerful working with decision is, I am forgiving myself for my past missteps and non-steps, and working more in the here-and-now on being who I want to be.

Present reality is a product of the past.

This concept is very hard for me to wrap my head around.  Yet every single self-help and spiritual book I have read or listened to espouses this same idea.  The life I have, right now, is the result of decisions made and not made in my past.  Because consciousness creates reality, decision is a product of conscious choice.  When I decide, I am the one responsible for the reality I am creating.

Knowing this, and not being entirely satisfied with my current reality, I am working on making more conscious decisions to create better.  I can take better care of my body and mind; I can do work that makes me happy rather than saps my energy; I can focus on abundance to bring more good into my life, and the lives of those I care about.

I am completely aware of this.  I know how this works.  Knowing what I want and making decisions in the here-and-now will build the life I most desire.  Yet I still struggle with indecision, and not letting outside influences upset me.

World news can be distressing.  The American political landscape is thoroughly upsetting.  Friends are struggling with all kinds of different issues.  Awareness of these things is important, so long as I don’t let them interfere with my decision making process.  The only life I can directly influence and effect is my own.  The only reality I can consciously create is mine.

Knowing what I want is just a step across the bridge.

Change is scary.  The unknown can be unsettling.  Stepping out of my comfort zone has always been particularly challenging, but I have done it before successfully.  I went to college halfway across the country all on my own, and restarted my life.  After college I moved to New Jersey, again restarting my life.  I completely recovered from serious injuries without ever considering any alternative.  So what is holding me back now?

Me.  I am holding me back.  I know what I want, but not how to make it happen.  Yet everything I know about conscious reality creation, every book I have read or listened to tells me the same thing.  To move out of my comfort zone I have to get uncomfortable.  I need to decide to get clear of my limiting beliefs, to take the necessary steps and go for it.

The how is not my concern.  It is the decisions that need to be made.  I need to let go of the uncertainty, the fear, the doubt, the indecision.  The time to decide is now.  I am not my past, and unless I work in the present I will not attain my desired future.  Nothing is holding me back, except of course for me.

What do I want?

I want to be decisive.  I want to live in the now.  I want to consciously create the reality that will have me waking up every morning with a sense of excitement for the day ahead.  I want to straighten my back, square my shoulders, and take steps across the bridges, head held high and confident.  I know what I want.  As always, thank you for crossing the bridges with me.

 

GOAL LOG – Week 26:

Diet:  Overall I have been good on my food intake, though slightly less so when in Knoxville last weekend.

Exercise:  Fencing two days, one lap around the small lake three different days, four laps around the small lake one day, and a trip to the gym.  Exercised four solid days last week.

Writing:  The three blog posts were done.

Meditation:  Four of seven days last week, never less than 7 minutes.

Gratitude:  I expressed gratitude for 5 things on four days last week.

 

This is the fortieth entry of my personal journey, the Crossing the Bridges series.  My collectively published writing can be found here.

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Why “To Decide” is Very Important to Crossing the Bridges of Life

If I don’t bother to decide, I leave my fate up to my subconscious.

Sure, I could blame outside influences or circumstances or what-have-you.  But the truth is that when I don’t make conscious decisions, my subconscious is driving the bus.

This can be a particularly complicated concept to grasp.  Probably the biggest reason why is because we live in a society that lacks accountability.

Our government is the perfect example of this fact.  At almost every level, nobody takes responsibility for their actions.  The blame gets tossed about and analyzed, but actual accountability is nil.  Because we see this on so many levels of our reality, we generally go with the flow and tend to also lack accountability.

That’s the first part.  The second is recognizing that we create our own reality.  Consciousness creates reality.  But when I do not consciously decide for myself, subconsciousness creates my reality.

I still find this concept difficult to grasp.  Yet I know that it’s the truth of the way the Universe functions.  Nobody but me can think what and how I think.  I alone feel what I feel, even when I allow outside influences to affect my feelings.  Only I can act on things I decide, or don’t, to do.  That being said, the reality in which I live now, for good or bad, is of my own making.

To decide is to take control.

A great deal of the issues I have with my current reality are products of past thought, feeling and action.  Every thought that you seat deeply enough into your psyche and put feeling behind has the power to create.  Even when you cease to attend to that thought/feeling, if it’s rooted deeply, it gets acted upon.  If you do not consciously create reality, you still create reality subconsciously.

Ever notice when you expect something to be terrible, and start visualizing it, you’re seldom disappointed?  You didn’t consciously want to create that – but you subconsciously DID.  And so you have.

When you work on being aware and in the here and now, you empower yourself.  You gain control of your decision.  Awareness of conscious creation makes for creating better realities.

As I am working on improving my reality, this is hugely important.

Don’t let your subconscious decide.

I want to choose my life.  I don’t want to let my subconscious and limiting thoughts do it.  Yet most of my life, that’s how it has been.  While I have created some pretty amazing stuff in my life, I know I am capable of manifesting even better.

That’s why I want to consciously create my reality.  I am walking the path of my own choosing.  I am crossing these bridges I am creating between the paths in my life.  If I choose to do so consciously, I gain the power to build amazing things.

I have done this before, more than once.  Yet I allow myself to cede control of my emotions to the media, or in reaction to outside influence too readily.  When I do that, I let my subconscious feelings mix with subconscious thoughts, and I create mediocrity where I want to manifest greatness for myself.

Decide to be aware.

This is the key.  I need to be aware of my thoughts, my feelings, and my actions.  I know that this comes down to decision.  I need to decide that this is my life.  I need to decide what to do. I need to decide what to keep, what to change, and what to act on.  Frequently, not occasionally.  As my current reading material points out, this is a muscle.  Like any muscle, you have to exercise it to make it stronger.

I know I can live in a better reality than this one.  I also know that I need to be grateful for this reality.  My life is good.  This is not me complaining about it.  Good, however, is not all I want.  I want great.  I want to be happier.  I want to enjoy how I spend my days more than I do now.  Life is too short to live halfway.  I want to live bigger.  I am capable of that, and I know it.  The key is conscious reality creation.

I ask myself questions several times a day to heighten my awareness.  Yet because most of my weekday hours are in a place that numbs me, I am still struggling.  I have to change this.  I need to decide to change this.  That’s the first step.

Decide to overcome the fear.

Deciding is scary.  I worry that if I decide wrong I will invite failure.  But the truth, and I know this, is that doing something and failing beats doing nothing and failing.  Make a decision.  Think, feel, act.  DECIDE.  Conscious reality creation is powerful, but I am the only one who can manifest for myself.

More decision.  More actions.  I know I can do this.  Let’s see what I do with this.  As always, thank you for crossing the bridges with me.

 

GOAL LOG – Week 25:

Diet:  Overall I have been good on my food intake.

Exercise:  Fencing two days, one lap around the small lake three different days, a walk with my friend and her dog, AND three days at the gym!

Writing:  The three blog posts were done.

Meditation:  Every day last week, never less than 6 minutes.

Gratitude:  I expressed gratitude for 5 things every day last week.

 

This is the thirty-ninth entry of my personal journey, the Crossing the Bridges series.  My collectively published writing can be found here.

What Will be the Rewards and Consequences of my Decisions?

Conscious reality creation takes place in the now.

We cannot undo the past, and as Yoda says, “Always in motion is the future.”  The only part of reality we truly control is the present.

This week has marked several changes on my part.  All of them involved decisions.  One was in regards to changing this blog for its growth, one will close a long-standing issue I’ve spent more than half-a-decade trying to resolve.  In both instances I had to make a choice, to decide to take an action, each with consequences both real and perceived.

As I was writing Pathwalking this week, I had a moment where a lightbulb went off in my head.  Yes, I long ago recognized that I am the most successful at sabotaging myself, but this is not a matter of sabotage, but of perception.  That matter of perception is a large part of the why behind my not yet manifesting the reality I desire.

To reiterate that point, I constantly feel like I am on the cusp of creating what I want, on the verge of consciously creating my desired reality…and because I keep it just ahead of me, just about to happen, it never manages to actually happen.  So close…but not yet here.

Consciously creating reality requires being aware and present in the here-and-now.  When I am aware, I am able to think what I want, to feel what it will feel like, and take the necessary actions and make the decisions to do it.

Changes and decisions made.

I spent more money than I was comfortable spending shifting this blog from being hosted with the limitations of wordpress dot com to a new host and using the tools of wordpress dot org.  I spent even a bit more because I set-up the ability to move more of my domains to WordPress, so that I can make them better and more powerful, too.  The consequences of that choice were both tangible and intangible.  The former being the money spent is spent, the intangible being the concern of losing what I had already created.  I am pleased to note that, thus far, that does not appear to be the case here.

I took steps to resolve a long-standing matter both personal and financial.  An investment I am no longer benefitting from has been hanging over my head for some time.  The investment is not mine alone, it is shared with family.  We have had different priorities in regards to this, and it’s been the cause of some strife for several years.  The other party has taken action to resolve this, and while I requested specific remuneration, they disagreed.  I disagreed with their reasoning, but rather than draw this out even further, I chose to accept what was offered and move ahead.  The consequences of this choice were both tangible and intangible.  The former being getting less than I feel I should be, the intangible being lost respect between myself and the other party.  This is not yet complete, but I expect no further issues in finally getting resolution.

In both instances there were choices to make.  Though they are vastly different matters, they are the same in being steps forward versus remaining in the comfort zone I am existing in.  Both involved being in the now, and accepting the consequences, good or bad, of my actions.

Being present to manifest.

The point has been driven home this week multiple times how important it is for me to be in the present.  I can only work in the here-and-now to consciously create my reality, and that will only be accomplished when I take my choices and make decisions for action.

I need to stop viewing the manifestation of the reality I desire as being just slightly ahead of me, on the cusp of actually BEING.  I need to see it NOW, here and present and happening.  Last week I discussed the power of I AM in crossing the bridges, but this is exactly that.  By thinking, feeling and saying, “I am on the cusp of making this happen!” I am leaving the reality I want to live in just ahead of myself.  There it us, just out of my grasp, almost, nearly visible through the haze.  So.  Close.

I need to decide that “I am manifesting my reality.”  In the present, in the here-and-now, I am creating the reality I want and manifesting the life I believe I am capable of having.  This is a decision no different from the others I have made this week, albeit composed of more intangibles.

I need to choose to think in the here and now, “I am consciously creating my reality.  I am doing it.  It is manifesting all around me, right here, right now.”  The consequences of this choice are both tangible and intangible.  The former is getting to do what I really want to be doing with my life and truly practicing what I write about.  The latter is the concern that the people I care about will think I am off my rocker, that they will abandon me and I will fail.

I think this is a decision I will ultimately be happy with.  I know that, here and now, I am.  As always, thank you for crossing the bridges with me!

 

GOAL LOG – Week 24:

Diet:  Overall I have been good on my food intake.

Exercise:  Fencing three days, one to four laps around the small lake three different days.

Writing:  The three blog posts were done, worked on my modern alchemist story one day.

Meditation:  Every day last week, never less than 5 minutes.

Gratitude:  I expressed gratitude for 5 things every day last week.

 

This is the thirty-eighth entry of my personal journey, the Crossing the Bridges series.  My collectively published writing can be found here.

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How does the use of I AM matter in Crossing the Bridges?

There are actions I can take, right now, to change my life.

The challenge with this is in mindfulness.  While the action I am looking to take is relatively simple, it requires a great deal of mindfulness.

I have written before about the power of the words I AM.  These two little words will ultimately define me, in the here and now, in absolute and specific ways.  I AM is far more powerful than the retrospective I WAS or the future-tensed I WILL BE, because it is a totally definitive declaration.

How I AM is followed is a clear-cut statement.  It will also determine perspective, expectation, and even intent.  What’s more, I AM is a true presentation of belief.

Because consciousness creates reality, what we think about and believe is made manifest.  I AM is so powerful, that it will create more of the representation it is stating.  It is a statement in present tense, which is the most powerful place for manifesting conscious creation.

Yet I know I tend to just toss around I AM statements without much thought.  I think most people do, because we really do not recognize how powerful that statement is.  It’s not about someone else, it is about ME, and as such it is intentional and focused.

How do we consciously create reality?  Thought, focused into feeling, and from feeling taking intentional action.  I AM is an intentional action statement, and is capable of creating all sorts of things, both desirable and undesirable.

Be Aware of what you think and say.

It’s all-too-easy to neglect the power of I AM, and to make statements that might seem innocuous, but in truth are powerful conscious creators.  For example, saying I am tired, I am overwhelmed, I am unhappy, I am depressed, I am fat, I am useless, I am a screw-up will make me precisely that.  I will be tired, overwhelmed, fat and depressed if I continue to abuse the power of I AM in this way.

I know that many of these are true statements.  I may be feeling tired and unhappy, and it may be a fact to state that I am overweight or suffering from depression – but making the statement of I AM reinforces these matters, and empowers them even further.

I am not advocating lying, or denying negative thoughts and feelings.  Lies cannot build much of a foundation, are impossible to sustain, and frequently become harmful, especially to ourselves.  We are going to feel negative emotions, because we’re only human, and if we didn’t know the bad we’d be incapable of knowing the good we most desire.

What I am advocating here is taking just a little more time and consideration in the use of I AM.  Knowing the manifestation power of these two tiny words, it’s hugely important to use them only with care and consideration.

Use I AM to build up, not to tear down.

Despite the truth that may be brought forth in using I AM, exercising thought and restraint in its use can totally change the world I am creating for myself.  Whenever I follow I AM with a negative statement, true or not, I am basically telling the universe this is who and what I believe that I am, so please give me more.

The action I can take, right now, to change my life, is to consider what I am thinking or saying whenever the words I AM are employed.  If I am feeling something negative, rather than express it with an I AM statement, I need to take a more impersonal viewpoint.  I need to step back from it.  For example, let’s say I am feeling tired.  Rather than say or think I am tired, I need to consider either giving that no acknowledgement at all, or an impersonal one, such as I think I could use more sleep or I feel the need for more rest or even I feel tired.  Yes, this last might be splitting hairs, but in not stating I AM, I am not taking ownership and telling the universe this is how I am and want to continue to be.

I AM is a statement of empowerment.

The universe doesn’t recognize the concept of don’t want, it only recognizes want.  Stating I AM TIRED tells the universe this is what I am and what I want.  I am owning the feeling or attribute as me, and in so doing empowering it, and telling the universe I want more of it.  This is why it is important to be aware of the statement that follows I AM, so that I can be more of what I truly want to be.  For example, I AM AWESOME.

That is the immediate, life changing action I am taking.  Every time I think or say I AM, I will take extra time to consider if the statement I am making is one I want, or one I don’t want.  Being aware is going to be a challenge, but one I think could make a massive difference in consciously creating the life I desire.

I am capable of doing this.  I am able to manifest the destiny I want.  I am grateful. Let’s do this.  As always, thank you for crossing the bridges with me!

 

GOAL LOG – Week 23:

Diet:  I am still working on maintaining a reasonable diet.

Exercise:  Couple single lap walks around the small lake, a day at the gym, a night of fencing.

Writing:  The three blog posts were done, worked on my modern alchemist story one day.

Meditation:  Five days last week, never less than 9 minutes.

Gratitude:  I expressed gratitude for 5 things six days last week.

 

This is the thirty-seventh entry of my personal journey, the Crossing the Bridges series.  My collectively published writing can be found here.

Can I Cross These Bridges? Dreaming vs Doing

I am afraid to do the thing I should do.

Afraid is not actually the correct feeling, however.  At least, not in the face of logic.  Maybe, the more correct thing here is I am concerned about the consequences that would come of my doing the thing I know I should do.

What is the elephant in the room?  My job.

I have a decent, reasonable paying, low-pressure job. The hours are okay.  The commute is generally not problematic.  This job covers our health insurance.

I am bored out of my mind.  Half of the job I was originally hired to do has been given to someone else, and I have almost no work to do in the remaining half.  I have done all the makework I can for it, and I tolerate the majority of my coworkers, but several of them hold majorly opposing political views, and I find them often insufferable.  More than once I have walked away from my desk to avoid getting into a discussion with people who cannot be reasoned with.

Now comes the guilt.  I am employed.  I am making a decent salary.  I want to be grateful for having this job…but I am feeling like my time is being wasted.  And I feel like an asshole because I am so discontent, rather than grateful.

I have been here before.  Frankly, I get here pretty frequently with jobs.  I reach the point where I am feeling no love for what I am doing or where I am doing it, and I will either walk away or lose the job because it gets emotionally overwhelming.

I know lots of people in low-paying jobs.  I know several people without jobs.  I know several people who have truly hateful jobs.  I know people who work for truly awful people.  My situation is not so bad…so how come I want to get out of it as badly as I do?

This is not me.  This is not where I want to be for eight-and-a-half hours of my day, five days a week.

Facing a crisis of conscience.

I know what I should do, but I can’t.  I have bills to pay, responsibilities to uphold, and I know in almost every logical way this would be a mistake to act on that impulse.

Does this make my a hypocrite?  I think it does.  I have been preaching Pathwalking, choosing my own destiny, for five-and-a-half years.  But if I was walking my own path, I would not be in this position, I would not be in this place where I have to choose between the right thing and the right thing.

How’s that?  Well, the right thing for me to do is get out of the situation.  I should leave the job that makes me miserable and take the actions I believe can and will make me money.  Yet, at the same time, I know I should keep the job and the good pay and benefits, and trudge through so I can stay in the black and pay the bills and contribute to my household.

This is and has been my greatest issue.  I simply do not believe sufficiently in my own power.  I talk a good talk, I write all about it…but I simply do not believe it.  Not completely.  I have tried and failed enough times in this life that I am choosing the familiar, the known, the soft and flabby reality I am living in.

There are many questions.

Is this really who I am?  Am I really going to just allow myself to live a life I find dull, lackluster, and half-assed?  Where is my gumption, where is my drive?  I have studied so much and read so many things…how come I still cannot trust my instinct?  Why am I still so skeptical?

I am the only one who can choose my life.  Whatever choices I make will have consequences and repercussions.  In the end, the only person who’s feelings matter in all of this is me.  I am the only one who can feel what I feel, and how I feel.  I am the only one who thinks as I do.  This is wholly and entirely on me.

This is the ultimate challenge of my own belief system.  Do I accept the notion that consciousness creates reality, for real?  Am I able to really, truly embrace this, and work with it to build a life I desire to live far more than this one?

Choices and decisions.

This is the biggest test of faith I have ever faced in my life.  This is where I choose if I want to live a life as is expected of me, or if I will live the life I really want to live.  Do I believe in my own abilities, my own strengths and skills to do this?  Can I walk the walk to match up to the talk?

This is huge.  I have a big question before me, and there is nobody who can answer it, save me.   Do I believe my own hypothesis…or am I just another dreamer who cannot become a doer?  There are no easy answers.  Let’s see what I do with this from here.

 

GOAL LOG – Week 22:

Diet:  I am maintaining a reasonable diet.

Exercise:  I spent Saturday walking all over the place, Sunday doing the same and shooting archery.  I fenced Tuesday, hit the gym Wednesday.

Writing:  The three blog posts were done, worked on my modern alchemist story one day.

Meditation:  Four days last week, though only 3 minutes on one of those day and less than 10 minutes otherwise.

Gratitude:  I expressed gratitude for 5 things four days last week.

 

This is the thirty-sixth entry of my personal journey, the Crossing the Bridges series.  My collectively published writing can be found here.

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