The Ramblings of the Titanium Don

Explorations of Conscious Reality Creation and Other Matters

Category: Crossing the Bridges (Page 1 of 6)

How Does Being Aware Take Me Across The Bridges?

For me, being aware of my mindset, mindful of what I am thinking and feeling, is the key to creating what I truly desire from this life.

Conscious reality creation is the ultimate gift humankind has.  The other animals on this planet, no matter how intelligent they may be, don’t have the same capacity to create as we do.  We are the only animals that can build tools to allow us to travel anywhere across the globe, infinitely expand our knowledge base, and live in any environment.

AwareTo create anything at all, I have to begin with thought.  I have to think of an idea, and bring it into existence.  This applies to characters and worlds for my writing; a job I envision working; relationships with friends and lovers; ideas to make life better.

Great or small, thoughts are the starting point of everything.  I have had some pretty cool thoughts and ideas, but if I did not go to the next steps, they never got past this first point.

This is where I usually face the greatest challenge.  Feeling.  To consciously create reality, you cannot just think of a thing, you have to feel it.  I have been struggling with feeling for most of my life.

Let me get really personal here.  I was a smart, sensitive kid.  Didn’t know it back then, but as an empath I was good at feeling the feelings of others.  Due to things that happened in my youth, mostly around my parents’ divorce (and for the record, I am NOT blaming my parents here) I went into therapy.  Because this was the early 1980’s, there were no drugs like Prozac and such.  It was a difficult time, and I was hurting.  Some thirty years later, I learned that I had shut down.

I was aware of feelings, but not feeling them.

Logically, I reasoned out what these emotions were supposed to feel like.  I shared that with my therapists, and they thought I was adjusting.  For the most part, I was.  But…my ability to truly feel emotions was less developed than anybody realized until much later.

In my thirties, I found the best therapist I have ever had.  Together, we realized what I had done, and started the process of repairing it.  With that work, I became more aware of my emotions.  For the first time in my life, I was truly mindful of both thoughts and feelings.

Important tangent here.  I know a lot of people who have had traumas both emotional and physical, greater and less than my experiences.  In this week’s Pathwalking I wrote about accountability.  Thing is, while I could blame any number of people and factors for the issues I had in regards to emotions, I recognize that ultimately I did this to myself.  Blame could not fix it.  So I made a choice to acknowledge and then repair the damage, rather than get angry or depressed about it.

Once I became aware of the issues I had regarding emotions, I did the work to learn how to truly feel them.  It was in this process that I began to truly understand the idea of conscious reality creation.  I saw how I had healed from my accident faster and more completely than expected, because my thoughts and feelings wholly supported, expected, and worked towards that outcome.

Still, this has been an ongoing struggle for me.  Because the emotions I have recognized and expressed the longest are negative ones, like depression, anger, jealousy, and other fears, when I am not mindful and fully aware, guess where my subconscious goes?

Being aware will take me across all the bridges.

Because I am an empath, I feel the emotions of other people around me.  Due to spending probably too much time on social media, I get inundated with a whole lot of negativity.  Our fear-based society is being pushed around in new and horrifying ways.  Those in power are hiding their selfish agendas less and less, yet still enjoying control over a huge swath of the collective consciousness.

I am working to better recognize when I allow my subconscious to drive the bus.  I set myself up in my Pathwalking post to regularly ask at least two questions about my mindset, so that I am better aware of what I am thinking and feeling.

When my thoughts and feelings are aligned, taking intentional actions to manifest what I am desiring is virtually effortless.  When I allow doubts, or the negativity of the collective consciousness to get between my thoughts and feelings, I am like an inverted bicycle.  You can pedal the wheel round and round as much as you like, but you are not going to get anywhere at all.

I challenged myself to ask at least two of these questions several times a day.  What am I thinking?  What am I feeling?  How am I feeling?  Where is my mind?  What am I thinking about?  What am I focused on?  I know that when I ask these questions, I become aware of the here-and-now, and allow my conscious self to take the wheel.

One additional challenge with this that I tend to get down on myself when I do not live up to my own standards.

I need to be more aware of how I think about myself.

For most of my life I have chewed my fingernails off.  Trust me, I know this is a terrible habit.  For a while, I mostly stopped.  There they were, fingernails, and I actually needed to clip them like a normal person from time to time.  Recently, I have found myself chewing them off again.  If I do not make a conscious effort to restrain myself, when I am bored or nervous or frustrated I find myself removing a fingernail with my teeth.

It does not matter how aware of this, or any other emotion I am.  What matters is what I do with that knowledge.  Do I stop from biting my nails?  Will I acknowledge the negative feeling, and do something to change it?  Am I going to get mad at myself for not doing this, that or the other thing, or will I make the necessary change?  Being aware is only the beginning.  What I do with that mindfulness is the difference between manifesting the life I want, or never quite going to the places I desire to be.

I am aware.

What will I do with this awareness?  Stay tuned.  As always, thank you for crossing the bridges between my worlds with me.

 

GOAL LOG – Week 45:

Diet:  I was very conscious of what I was consuming, but not so good about writing it down.

Exercise:  Fenced once, did a bunch of walking.  Need to up this game.

Writing:  Three blog posts, and some other writing work.

Meditation: I really need to resume this.  One day this week, about 8 minutes.

Gratitude:  I was not tracking gratitude again.

 

This is the sixtieth entry of my personal journey, the Crossing the Bridges series.  My collectively published writing can be found here.

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Why Create Reality?

I love to create.

I began to write fiction when I was nine.  Even with some breaks here and there along the way, I have continued to create characters, worlds, and stories to tell about them.

Why Create Reality?Then, about six years ago, I began to post to this blog weekly.  Pathwalking on Wednesdays was the starting point.  Two years later, I added Positivity every Monday.  Just over a year ago, these posts called Crossing the Bridges came into being.

All three of these posts cover different things.  Pathwalking is my personal philosophy for living the best life I can.  Through Pathwalking, I discuss striving to choose the life I desire most, and consciously create reality as I most want to see it manifest.

Positivity was in reaction to an abundance of negative posts to social media.  With everyone feeling down on a Monday morning, I wanted to post something upbeat to change the collective consciousness towards something better, and positive.

Crossing the Bridges came into being as sort of a self-check-in.  I view my life to some degree as existing on these separate islands.  One is the real world, trying to earn money in a desirable fashion to cover living expenses and more.  The next is the fantasy world I spend most of my weekends in, running around the Kingdom of the East and fencing, heralding, and hanging out with friends.  Then there is my creative worlds, the writing I want to spread further and sell more of.

An online course I took about six months ago changed how I view this blog overall.  Instead of three individual posts that are unrelated, now they are part of the greater package.  The Ramblings of the Titanium Don took on a new direction, a blog exploring aspects of working on consciously creating reality.

There is always more to create.

I am exploring new creations all the time.  Whether I am composing a blog post, writing my sci-fi novel, or even working on a resume or other business copy, I enjoy the creative process.  When I get to create, I am enormously alert, aware, and content with the life I have.

Even when I struggle with a topic for one of the three weekly posts, the process of getting to create something still keeps it worthwhile.  I am making something new, and sharing it with you.  The positivity, joy, and wonder in that is rather awesome.

All three posts this week have been focused on the main orientation of the blog.  Consciousness Creates Reality.  I believe this.

Consciousness can also be defined as awareness, recognition, or even realization.

Create stands on its own, but could also be interpreted to mean to build, discover, or even establish.

Reality is the trickiest.  Yet without going into a philosophical debate about it, reality can be defined as existence, actuality, or even tangibility.

Why do these redefinitions matter?  If consciousness creates reality, then that means awareness discovers tangibility; recognition establishes existence; realization builds actuality.  We can even rearrange them to fit in any way.  Awareness establishes actuality.

When we are conscious of the thoughts, feelings and actions we take, we can create, build or establish a tangible reality.  This is manifestation of dreams into reality.  It is from this we can have virtually anything we want.

If this is so simple, how come everyone isn’t doing it?  Because we live in fear-based, lack-mentality society.  We are frequently told there is not enough to go around.  Then the greedy hoarders constantly paraded before us add to the negativity, causing us to second-guess if we can have the things we want, and remain a good person.

It takes effort to create.

We are a society of easy.  It has to be fast.  Instant gratification is barely fast enough.  Consciously creating reality can be quick, but seldom instantaneous.  Taking thought, putting feeling behind it, then intentional action requires some processing.  Thus, in order to manifest reality, we have to expend some effort.

This can cause any number of frustrations for people.  When we don’t see the results quickly enough, we get frustrated, and our power to manifest weakens with our resolve.  To consciously create reality, we have to believe it, completely, and know without doubt that it is come to pass.

It is hard to believe that right now we have what we desire.  In especial when, in the current illusion of our reality, we don’t.  Conscious reality creation works best when we presuppose the desired outcome is in the now.  See it as ahead, not quite there yet, it tends to stay ahead and not quite there.  A further challenge to the process.

I have made this work.  When the outcome was the only reality that could be, I achieved the goal intended.  I healed, got the girl, got the car, etcetera.  If I can apply my love to create things to the reality I most desire, I will be capable of crossing any bridge I encounter.

Consciousness creates reality.  I know this to be true.  Anything I want to create is mine for the making.  It’s up to me to use this and manifest the life I most desire to live.

Let’s see what I do next.

As always, thanking you for crossing the bridges between the worlds with me.

 

GOAL LOG – Week 44:

Diet:  I resumed mostly tracking my food intake this week, and was more conscious of it.

Exercise:  Fenced twice, did a bunch of walking.

Writing:  Three blog posts, and some other writing work.

Meditation: Three days this week, never less than 5 minutes.

Gratitude:  I was not tracking gratitude again.

 

This is the fifty-ninth entry of my personal journey, the Crossing the Bridges series.  My collectively published writing can be found here.

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Why Don’t I Understand?

There will always be things I just don’t understand.

Some are emotional.  I know people who feel certain ways about certain things that I simply cannot fathom.  No judgements, this is just a statement of fact.

Understand - Crossing the Bridges 58Some are logical.  Some judgement here, given notions like flat-earthers and racists and misogynists and the like.  I just don’t understand how logic and reason can go out the window for easily disproven beliefs.

For a long time I have said that life is about learning new things.  There is always something new to be learned, and mysteries to understand.  Things happen that need to be explored, good and bad, in order to be dealt with, understood, and in some instances prevented from recurring.

Despite this, there are things that I know I just won’t understand.  I can apply all the logic and reason I know, and it still won’t make any sense to me.  Yet because of my empathic nature, I not only want to understand it, but in some cases I want to fix it.

You think the earth is flat?  Let me show you all the reasons why this is untrue.  Do you believe that women are somehow inferior to men?  I want to help you to see how this is not the case.  Think trickle-down economics will work?  Allow me to find you the forty years worth of evidence that this is not so.

Because I don’t understand how people believe these things, I want to help them understand that they need to open themselves up to more reason and logic.  Unfortunately, a closed mind, or a resolved mindset cannot be dissuaded, forced open, or changed without a desire for change.

When I don’t understand, and want to fix that, I have to recognize that I can’t.

Why don’t you understand?

Asking this question can only effect one single person.  Me.  I am the only one who can answer this.  Why?  Because the only person who’s mind I can actually change is my own.  It’s imperative that I recognize that when I don’t understand someone or something else, I cannot change THEM, I can only change me.

I’m going to get really personal here a moment.  My wife’s family has a wholly different dynamic from my own.  It is so different, in fact, that in many respects it feels actually alien to me.  The way they care for one another, how they react to crisis, and how they relate to one another frequently makes no sense to me.

I try to understand this.  Because this is an emotional issue, and I might have a few issues of my own when it comes to emotions, this is often almost incomprehensible to me.  The hows and whys of their dynamic is completely different from anything I have experienced before.

Don’t misunderstand me, I love my in-laws.  Because my own family has a whole lot of different dynamics on all these levels, the way they are is wildly different from what I already know.

This is a key to understanding.  Our experiences throughout our lives are going to color how we perceive the world.  I was raised Jewish in the suburbs of Minneapolis, and my parents divorced when I was five.  My family is small, each parent has a single sibling, and they are not all that close.

My wife was raised Catholic in New Jersey, and her parents have been together for over forty years.  Her family is humungous, one parent has I think five siblings, and her family is very close.  Almost the polar opposite of what I know.

Understanding grows from experience.

The thing to realize is that I simple won’t ever fully understand some things.  That’s the nature of the world.  There are over seven billion people on this planet, speaking hundreds of different languages, coming from countless family dynamics, each with unique knowledge, experience, and their own understandings.

When we recognize this, we can do better with knowing what we understand.  Why?  Because we learn that there are things we just won’t understand.  Further, recognizing that you can’t necessarily make someone else understand what you do, you have more to work with.

As I work on crossing the bridges between my worlds, it occurs to me that the number of worlds I visualize for my life are pretty numerous.  Some of the worlds, those of my own creation, I completely understand.  Others, though, in particular those I share with other people, I will probably never completely get.

One of the most important things to recognize about this notion is that we all understand different things.  We cannot force anyone else to understand what we do.  Even when we are dealing with logical and reasonable matters, our differences will color what we define as logic and reason.

I believe that the more I understand about myself, the more I can help people gain their own understanding via my example.  When I consciously create reality, walk my own path, and manifest the life I desire, in my example I can help others do the same.

There are always new worlds around me.  I can build and cross bridges between them, even when I don’t understand everything about them.  Yes, it can be frustrating sometimes.  Yet, rather than see it negatively, we can see it as a challenge.  This can be a growth opportunity.  It’s a matter of what you understand.

As always, thank you for crossing the bridges between my worlds with me.

 

GOAL LOG – Week 43:

Diet:  I have not been keeping track yet again this week.

Exercise:  Fenced twice, but that was it.  Knee injury is still lessening my exercise more than I should let it.

Writing:  Three blog posts, and some work on the sci-fi story.

Meditation: Only a couple days this week.  I have to improve on that.

Gratitude:  I was not tracking gratitude again.

This is the fifty-eighth entry of my personal journey, the Crossing the Bridges series.  My collectively published writing can be found here.

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Who Are My People?

I love my people.

Who are my people?  My people are the ones who I turn to for support, whom I look to for guidance, and whom I share a great many commonalities.

Crossing the Bridges 57I have found the majority of my people in the SCA.  Twenty-six years in the Society for Creative Anachronism has introduced me to a lot of people who are as into history and fantasy as I am.  My geeky tribe, frequently of fellow misfits.

Yes, I was one of those dorky/geeky kids in High School who existed either in the choir room, on or behind the stage, never amongst the popular kids.  I played no sports, my friends and I played Dungeons and Dragons.  I didn’t drink alcohol, but I consumed an ungodly amount of Mt. Dew.  My letter jacket was for letters earned in choir and theatre.

In college, when I moved halfway across the country, I made a good circle of equally geeky friends.  I also discovered the SCA, but didn’t truly dive in until I had graduated.  But when I did, I found my people.

I have previously written about the difference between persons and people.  While today I am referring to my people, they are my persons.  They are not the random world population that can often be incredibly frustrating.  My people, however, might not be your people.  By the same token, your people might not be my people.

This harkens to my favorite George Carlin routine about stuff.  Your stuff is stuff while other people’s stuff is shit, and vice versa.

Our people are like our stuff.  While we might have ever increasing circles of people, not all meet the same criteria.

Variations of my people.

There are several thoughts I have on how I categorize my people.  There are those I am closest to.  These are the people I want to spend the most time with, and whom I share the most about myself with.  We have connections on a lot of different levels, and I would move mountains for these people.

Then there are the people whom I consider friends, but am not as close to.  There is still a great deal of myself I share with these people, and I care about them as well.  Our connections are likely fewer than those I am closest to, but I would still take a great many actions for these people.

After that, there are the people whom I may not know as well, but share a commonality with me.  Some are SCAdians like me, and we have the hobby we participate in in common.  We may only be friends on social media, or we may only encounter one another at events from time to time, but we do not really know each other well.  These are still my people, overall, though while there are actions I will take for them, they are fewer.

Along the same line are the writers I know.  I am a part of several different writing communities online.  Because we all strive in the craft and arte of writing, we have something pretty amazing in common.  We share ideas and tricks and standards for our writing on a large number of different topics.  Mostly we only know each other online.  Yet these are my people, overall, and there are things I will do to be of help to them.

Why do all these people matter?

As I work on crossing the bridges between the worlds I perceive, some real, some imagined, recognizing that my people are rather numerous can be a huge source of hope.

Hope matters, particularly in the face of a lot of what is going on in the world around us.  So much negativity, so many terrible things of varying degrees, it’s really easy to lose hope.  Why bother?  Will any of it matter if any of these possible worst case scenarios before us come to pass?

Yes.  All of it matters.  Consciousness Creates Reality.  As such, if we allow ourselves to be drawn down into the negativity happening in the world, guess what we create more of?  But if we have hope, and we have our people, and we can rely on our people in different ways, we can strive to manifest better.

This is why I love my people.  You keep me going when I look at the negativity of the world, and I cannot tell you just how much I appreciate that.  You are a source of strength, and I thank you for that.

Keep this in mind whenever you start feeling like it’s pointless.  There IS still hope for a better world.  We have our people, and while we cannot directly change how anybody feels, we can effect the sensitivity, and we can work to create better.

My people are circles around me, ever increasing in distance, but still counted among my people.  Where my people and your people might overlap, we have an opportunity to change the conversation with a greater circle.  When we can see this, we can see that hope is a good thing, and we can create almost anything we can imagine.

Appreciate all your people.

Gratitude is a major source of positivity.  When we are grateful for people and things, we tend to discover more to be grateful for.  Gratitude feels good.

These bridges I want to cross may be for me alone, but I never truly cross them on my own.  That may be totally cheesy, but that doesn’t make it any less true.  Thank you for taking the journey with you.  Thank you for being my people.

As always, thank you for crossing the bridges between my worlds with me.

 

GOAL LOG – Week 42:

Diet:  I have not been keeping track again this week.

Exercise:  Fenced twice, one day with a bunch of walking, but that was it.  Knee injury is still lessening my exercise.

Writing:  Four blog posts, and a lot of work on the sci-fi story.

Meditation: Only two days last week, for 5 and 6 minutes.

Gratitude:  I was not tracking gratitude again.

 

This is the fifty-seventh entry of my personal journey, the Crossing the Bridges series.  My collectively published writing can be found here.

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Is This Writer’s Block?

Not sure if I am dealing with writer’s block, or just simply having issues creating a topic today.

Writer’s block can take on many different forms.  Sometimes it’s just a lack of ideas.  Other times a lack of inspiration.  From time to time, it’s a lack of motivation.  Certainly it can be a combination of all of the above, too.

Writer's block?For me, there are times I just get distracted.  Might be a useful distraction, or it might be nothing but a plain, unadorned, pointless distraction.  Whatever the case, it’s important that I recognize when this is happening, and take steps to get away from it.  Letting myself be overcome by distraction is a form of self-sabotage.

Occasionally it’s a matter of self-doubt that is blocking me.  When it’s the blog, for example, I wonder if anybody cares about what I put here?  Does any of this matter to anybody, myself included?  Am I just spinning my metaphoric wheels and not gaining anything from this?

It never ceases to amaze me how one question leads to the next which in turn leads to the next.  There are always more questions than answers.  Of course, that’s life.  When we have no questions, we have nothing to learn, and learning is how we grow.  Learning is how we gain new knowledge, and new tools to let us consciously create reality and manifest our dreams.

Another factor in being blocked is outside influences.  If I feel as though I am doing little to nothing to help the greater good, that can be ultimately disheartening.  In our current social climate, that’s a real challenge.

Like any emotion, how long I let myself be blocked is entirely up to me.

I can break my block.

Like any emotion I can feel, I alone can choose how long to let my block sit with me.  Do I want to lament being blocked and moan about it and let it fester?  Or do I acknowledge it, and try to work out of it somehow?

Life is about choices.  I have chosen to walk my own path in this life, and cross the bridges between the different worlds I perceive that I live in.  I decide how to deal with my block, and like any other feeling I can choose to move away from it.

Guess where this particular post is coming from?  I have spent hours trying to come up with a topic, but nothing has hit.  I haven’t done any other writing or editing today, because I am feeling blocked.  Well, one of the best ways to break a block is to write.  Stream-of-conscious writing may be raw, and not something I would necessarily share, but it will in time break me from my block.

It’s akin to running in place or jumping jacks or any other exercise you do to get your heart pumping.  Banging out words on the keyboard is a mental exercise, and will stimulate the brain and clear out blockage.  It may be just a single step in the process, but it’s better than wallowing in self-pity over being blocked.

Other options for overcoming a block include meditation, some form of exercise to literally get the blood flowing, or maybe grabbing something to eat or drink, because sometimes that’s the problem.  Any combination of these options might also be the answer.

A writing block is something you feel.

It’s imperative to acknowledge that blocked is a feeling.  It feels a lot like frustration, annoyance, disappointment, distress, and even anger all combined to various degrees.  It can feel like guilt, too, because often being blocked is completely nonsensical.  There is often no why, it just is.

Hence why breaking a block is like taking control of and changing a feeling.  Because that’s precisely what it is.  If I feel blocked, I have to take steps to break the block.

I have more than one project in the works currently.  The sci-fi epic I’m really enjoying working on continues apace.  I need to continue to work on Guardians, and I need to return to the edits on Harbinger.  There is my modern alchemist story I started that I should continue.  I blog 3-4 times a week, and it never hurts to get ahead.  There are ideas in my head for some other new short stories I should begin to work on.

There is something new I’m doing to further my goals.  I am joining a group and taking some courses online to help me define myself better as a writer, and as a business.  There are several bits of literature I have downloaded as companions to this, and reading them can help break my block.

I think I have gotten past this now.  I am excited about the possibilities before me, and I think I have new means to create stronger bridges to cross between my worlds.

No room for doubt, I have work to do.

As always, thank you for crossing the bridges with me.

 

GOAL LOG – Week 41:

Diet:  I have not been keeping track this week.

Exercise:  Fenced twice, but that was it.  Knee injury is now identified, and I have let it sideline me a bunch this week.

Writing:  Three blog posts, some work on the sci-fi story.

Meditation: Only two days last week, for 8 and 10 minutes.

Gratitude:  I was not tracking gratitude.  I have to get back to this.

 

This is the fifty-sixth entry of my personal journey, the Crossing the Bridges series.  My collectively published writing can be found here.

Please take a moment to click the subscribe button (even if you did so before the blog was reformatted) and sign up for my newsletters!  Thank you!

Am I Being Proactive?

You may have noticed that by-and-large I only post positive, proactive thoughts.

Part of the reason why I choose this is because I feel horridly inundated by negativity.  There are so many things happening in the world right now that are upsetting.  Sometimes it is really hard to stay focused on creating good, because it feels increasingly futile.

Crossing the Bridges 55I began writing Positivity on Mondays to combat frequent negative messages at the start of the work week.  This has been really useful both for myself and others.  Pathwalking always takes a positive spin on the world, because the primary reason I choose to walk my own path is to create good in my life.

Consciousness creates reality.  So, when I continue to get angry over what the dumbass-in-chief does, or the inaction of Congress, or people denying science, logic and reason, is it any surprise I keep finding more?  Is it at all shocking that my motivation slips away?

I am frustrated.  This sinking feeling I often get as I browse Facebook and other social media is not useful.  Of course, the more attention and energy that I give to being concerned over where the world is heading distracts me from what I can control.

This is a systemic problem.  I know I am not the only one who, in the interest of staying in the know, winds up overwhelmed.  There are people I care about who are going to be, if they are no already, effected by a lot of these awful things.

What good does working on being proactive and positive do in the face of this insanity?

Proactive and positive are a force for good.

Because we manifest what we focus on with conscious reality creation, we have a choice.  I get to decide if I want to contribute to the feelings of anger, futility and hopelessness I am inundated with…or if I want to try to change the message.

This is not easy.  Maintaining my motivation to be proactive and positive is challenging.

I have mentioned before that I have long battled depression.  With the current state of the world as it is, and my empathic sensibilities, it’s been difficult.  I read and listen to a LOT of various self-help, motivational and similar works to build up my strength and fight off depression.

Because I have been working extra hard to combat depression, I am having trouble taking advantage of the opportunity right in front of me.  All my writing about conscious reality creation, and here I am in the midst of the perfect opportunity to make it go…and I am finding it difficult to be motivated to do so.

I recognize that there are steps I can take to work with this.  I just need to motivate myself to take them.

A friend recently asked me if I re-read my own work.  Truth is, once I have written and posted to the blog, I seldom go back to it.  I am great at offering insight into conscious reality creation, but not so good about going back and heeding my own advice.

I can write about actions I will take all day.  Motivating to take them, though, is another thing.

Proactive means taking the initiative.

Posting to the blog became a regular thing when I took an action on New Year’s rather than make a resolution.  I didn’t resolve to do something, I did something.  Action was taken.  I made a conscious choice to do, not to try.

Yoda said it best.  “Do or Do Not, there IS no try!”   I need to take ahold of my emotional state, follow my own words and be responsible for my own feelings.  It is time to take the initiative, stop letting myself be inundated by the negativity, and create the reality I want.

How?  Well, first, I need to spend less time online.  I already stopped visiting Twitter regularly because I didn’t need that volume of unnecessary and upsetting information.  The time has come to do the same to Facebook.  Keep messenger active so I can communicate with my friends, but close Facebook itself most of the time.

Second – I need to go back and reread what I have written.  I know that my writing impacts others.  That being the case, it’s really proactive of me to see if what I write can serve its primary purpose and impact ME.  This isn’t a selfish matter at all…it is an acknowledgment of the multi-purposefulness of what I write here.

Third – I need to stop getting down on myself when I get distracted, get upset over matters beyond my control that are happening, and so on.  I need to forgive myself for not living up to my own expectations of myself.  When I am feeling unmotivated, I need to allow myself a moment to feel it, but then I need to use an attitude shifter or another tool to be proactive and better consciously create reality.

Being proactive is empowering.

Finally, I must keep at it.  I cannot give up on myself, my goal to manifest the life I want, and using my consciousness to create my reality.  I alone can feel my feelings, and take actions appropriate or inappropriate.

Crossing the bridges is me consciously creating my reality.  I’ve got this.  I have done it before, and I will do it now.  The life I want and desire is mine to manifest, and I am deserving of it.  I know this.  It’s on me, and me alone to work with it.

As always, thank you for crossing the bridges with me.

 

GOAL LOG – Week 40:

Diet:  Mostly on track, but not writing it out

Exercise:  Fenced twice, but I did something to my right knee, so I’ve not been hitting the gym.

Writing:  Three blog posts, some work on the sci-fi story.

Meditation: Only two days last week, for 9 and 10 minutes.

Gratitude:  I was grateful for 5 things three days last week

 

This is the fifty-fifth entry of my personal journey, the Crossing the Bridges series.  My collectively published writing can be found here.

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Who Am I Disappointing?

Should I be concerned about disappointing myself?

I struggle with this pretty frequently, and I know I am not alone in this.

Who am I Disappoiting?Who am I?  I ask that question a lot.  Part of why I keep asking is because I am constantly changing – which is part of the human condition.  Another reason why I ask is because I know that you probably have a different impression of me than I have of myself.

Ever hear a recording of your voice and feel like, whoa, is that really how I sound?  If you hear enough recordings of your voice, you get used to how everyone else hears you.  It gives you an outside impression of an aspect of yourself.

Same thing applies to photos.  Ever look at a picture and wince at how you look?  Again, you are seeing yourself from without.

Inside my own head, I see myself differently than how you see me.  My voice is deeper, my body is stockier rather than flabby, and my hair is more pepper than salt.  If I feel good about myself, then these superficial aspects you see are not terribly important.

However, if I start to see the flabby guy with the greying hair and it makes me feel bad, and I become disappointed about myself, this can begin an ugly trend that might pick up speed and spiral out to further disappointment.

I am a social person.  I do a lot of things that put me out there.  Between publishing these posts weekly and teaching fencing and standing up in SCA courts, I present multiple facets of who I am.  Because I want people to think well of me, I worry about the impressions I make.

Is there anyone who I should worry about disappointing?

Yes.  Myself.  Because it’s a universal truth that you cannot please all the people all the time.  Some people are going to think I am pretty awesome.  Others are going to think I am not so awesome.  Still others probably think I’m an asshole.  I have no control over what you think about me.

Except I really wish that I did.  I don’t want people to think I’m an asshole.  I want people to think well of me.  It matters to me that I not be a disappointment to anyone.

Why?  How come this is important to me at all?  Because at the root of all my fears is the ultimate fear of abandonment.  The fear that I will be left to stand completely and totally alone in the world.  Fear of success, fear of failure are really just the surface concerns.  What I fear the most is being abandoned.

Subconsciously, I think if I disappoint you, in time you’ll give up on me, and walk away.  So long, and thanks for all the fish.  If I do not live up to my ideals, I will lose the people I have in my life.

Of course, in realty, this is ludicrous.  But the larger issue that this causes is that I have a certain ideal I strive to live up to.  In the pursuit of my goals and the bridges I am crossing, I have a standard I work to maintain.

When I do not keep control of my diet, or I don’t get to the gym, or meditate, or stick to my plan, I end up disappointed in myself.  I berate myself, I get annoyed with myself, and begin to think poorly of who I am.

Where does the disappointment come from?

I supposed I could blame certain outside influences for my feelings of disappointment.  I know that certain people close to me feel I have not made the most of my life.  There is worry that I might let down other people who are close to me, and that while they won’t tell me I am disappointing them, I am.  Of course, there is nobody to blame, because how I feel is all on me.

I think it’s a matter of validation.  Yet in truth, I think its more valuation than validation.  The difference is that approval is not indicative of worth.  Yet, if you look at Trump, to him approval is the sign of his worth, so maybe it’s not so surprising a thing.

I have been struggling a long time with feeling worthwhile.  Because I have spent so much of my life seeking validation in order to gage my valuation, I disappoint myself too easily.  When I become disappointed, I begin to feel worthless, and I question everything.

To better combat this issue, I need to re-evaluate what I think of myself.  I have mentioned how important self-talk is before, and it really is essential to think well of who I am.  When I don’t think good thoughts about myself, is inevitable that I will wind up disappointing myself instead.

While I sometimes find affirmations a little cheesy, that does not lessen their importance.  I need to remember when I begin feeling disappointment in myself I am worthwhile.  If I am disappointing other people, that’s not on me, because the person I need to not disappoint is myself.

Affirmation is valuation.

My new affirmation, whenever I begin feeling as if I am disappointing myself, is this:

I am worthwhile, skilled, loved, and I deserve good things in my life.

Consciousness creates reality.  I need to recognize when I am thinking poorly of myself, and actively turn it around.  When you find yourself in the same struggle, I encourage you to acknowledge your own worth, and know that you are not alone in this.

We’ve got this.  We will not be disappointing anyone, ourselves included.  As always, thank you for crossing the bridges with me.

 

GOAL LOG – Week 39:

Diet:  Back on track, writing it out.

Exercise:  Fencing one day, three days at the gym, two days where I took long walks.

Writing:  Three blog posts, some work on the sci-fi story.

Meditation: Four days last week, never less than 8 minutes.

Gratitude:  I was grateful for 5 things five days last week

 

This is the fifty-fourth entry of my personal journey, the Crossing the Bridges series.  My collectively published writing can be found here.

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Do I Know Who I Am?

I have a pretty good idea about who I am.

Yes, in some respects I am two people – one in the real world, one in the Society for Creative Anachronism (SCA) – but overall, I am simply me.

Crossing the Bridges 53I wrote about this yesterday at my author website.  But one of the bridges that I am frequently working with is the one between MJ and Malcolm.  Who I am and what I do in the SCA versus the mundane world, while they have some differences, are still the same.

For example, in the SCA I am a teacher, both of rapier combat and court heraldry.  In the real world, I am also a teacher, though it’s on my philosophy of conscious reality creation and manifesting what I want for my life.

The thing is, no matter which bridge I may be crossing, the person who is crossing them is unchanged.  My goals at every destination are the same.

Help people live the best they can.  Inspire.  Be a force for good.  Be happy.  Ultimately, that is what I most want to achieve in my life, and what I want to find across all the bridges.

To know who I am is to know what I am able to do.  It is surprisingly easy to lose track of who I am, though.  Why?  Because as a social creature, I often find myself reflecting or attempting to reflect what I think others want of me.  To find validation, I often give too much importance to what other people think of me.  It’s good to be seen as a force for good rather than one of ill, but who I am in my heart of hearts is where that truly lies.

Who I am is who I want to be.

From time to time, in addition to the conscious reality creation focus of this blog, I post something political.  Why?  Because I feel the need to share, and hope that maybe in doing so I can do more to help improve the world I live in.

Yes, I have things that I want for myself.  I want to be happy, I want to have my novels get turned into film and TV shows, I want to help my wife start the business of her dreams.  But I don’t do the things I do just for myself.  I do them because I want to inspire, to entertain, to help people also be the most that they can be.

It occurred to me recently that I have to continue to work on improving my self-talk.  This is the stuff I think about myself in my own head.  When I think poorly of myself, and unwell of who I am, this tends to further distance me from whom I wish to be.

Consciousness creates reality.  I cannot write this out enough times.  What we give our focus to is what we create in this world.  We make it manifest.  Sometimes it’s a slow burn, and sometimes it’s just right there.  We can create both good and bad for ourselves, depending on what we give our focus to.

I know that I have made this work in the past.  How?  By believing in nothing but the outcome I wanted to manifest.  There was no doubt, no negative self-talk.  There was one, and only one end in my vision.

One of the greatest obstacles I face now is my self-thought and self-talk.  What I subconsciously think about my self is what I believe.  To achieve what I want, that needs to be addressed.

Who do I think I am?

What I think of myself inside my own head can sometimes be problematic.  I get annoyed at myself for my failings, real and perceived.  I get frustrated when I do not accomplish all that I might set out to do in a given day.  There are times I envision myself as fat, lazy, wacky, and unworthy of achieving anything I might desire.

Thinking of myself in this way is not healthy.  Nor will it allow me to build what I am wanting to build.  How can I manifest who I want to be when I think poorly of myself?

I need to continue to work on this.  I need to think about myself positively, and not berate myself for any shortcomings, real or perceived.  When I have consciously created my reality in the past, all of my focus, both conscious and subconscious, was on a singular outcome.  I know I can do this – I have done it before.

No matter what world I work in, no matter what bridges I am crossing, I know who I am.  I need to be nicer to myself, think better of myself, and I will succeed.  I need to do a better job of being conscious of what I am thinking about subconsciously, and to change the narrative when it is not for my betterment.

This will require more focus.  I’ve done it before, and I can do it again.  The key is to not knock myself down mentally and emotionally when I err, and to see anything that is not what I want as a temporary setback, and an opportunity to take-away something good.

As always, thank you for crossing the bridges with me.

 

GOAL LOG – Week 38:

Diet:  Mostly back on track, but not so good about writing it out.

Exercise:  Fencing two days, but not much else.

Writing:  Lots of blog posts, some work on the sci-fi story.

Meditation:  Several days last week, never less than 9 minutes.

Gratitude:  I was not tracking my gratitude.

 

This is the fifty-third entry of my personal journey, the Crossing the Bridges series.  My collectively published writing can be found here.

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What Makes For Success?

You name it, I will write it.   Does this let me be a success?

I love to work on fiction.  I began writing sci-fi at age nine, and I have been working on my fantasy series, The Source Chronicles, for about twenty years.   There is something about fantastic worlds that I just love to write out.  It’s exciting, and frequently invigorating.

Crossing the Bridges 52Almost six years ago I began regularly blogging.  One weekly post has become three, and the theme of the blog more pointedly conscious reality creation.  I love working on my blog posts, Positivity, Pathwalking and Crossing the Bridges, as much as I enjoy writing fiction now.

Then, for added fun, I do different types of professional writing.  I do SEO and web content, resumes, and other business writing like press releases and marketing materials.  While this is not my favorite kind of writing, it is still writing, and still makes me happy.

Currently, I am working on finding new means to promote my works, and to write professionally for more money.

This is a challenging step.  One of the reasons why I call this post Crossing the Bridges is because I see myself writing in three separate worlds.  In one, I write novels and stories of sci-fi, Fantasy, Steampunk and more.  The next world I work on this blog, the three posts to it per week, and now at least bi-weekly posts to my recently revised Author website.  Last, there is the professional writing work, the stuff I do pretty much only for money, because I can.

To write or not to write?  There is no question.

There is, to my mind, a gap between each of these worlds.  They are three totally separate concepts.  Not simply different genres, but my whole approach to each is going to be unique.  How I work on novels is quite different from how I work on these blog posts.  The professional writing is almost entirely unrelated, but it’s still writing.

It is my desire that all three of these forms of writing should earn me money.  I want to maximize my potential, and I want to be able to show the world that I am a successful writer.

Of course, this leads to a wholly different problem.  How do you define success?  This is something that has caused me no end of problems.  Why?  Because all too often my equation of success has been based on what others have implied, suggested, expected, or otherwise told me.

Our society, for example, frequently equates wealth with success.  If one is successful, one has money.  How much money is often a matter of degree, really.  Doctors, lawyers, high-powered financiers, moguls, entrepreneurial business professionals are whom we usually associate as successes.

You are, no doubt, familiar with the notion of the starving artist?  You probably also have heard that writers don’t make a lot of money, in particular novel writers.  Unless, of course, you become a best-seller, or you manage to sell the movie or TV rights to one of your works.  Many well-meaning people throughout my life have told me this.  Often, it’s been meant as “realistic” and “good” and “helpful” advice.

I have written before about well-meaning and well-intentioned resistance.  Naysayers who think and feel that they are looking out for that which is best for you throw a wet-blanket over your dreams.  This certainly makes conscious reality creation particularly challenging.

You get to define success.

The thing is, if you believe that success includes endless money, a big house, a fancy car, any or all of the above, you’re seriously limiting yourself.  When I have made this my main focus, I have found it massively difficult to find satisfaction in anything I have done.

Redefining success can go a long ways towards bringing more satisfaction.  This has, I am sure you won’t be surprised, been a challenge for me.  I have to overcome my rather skewed expectation of success in order to not just say this, but to feel it.

What is success?  For me, I still believe what I grew up believing.  Wealth, which included money and things.  What do I want to be success?  Achievement.  I have had two short stories published in anthologies.  I have self-published two fantasy novels, one Steampunk novel, the first year of Pathwalking, the humorous narrative of the time surrounding my accident, and a novelette written much in the style of Paulo Coelho.  That is eight publications!

Beyond that, I had published many articles for Patch.com, back when they hired writers more than relied on bloggers.  I also had a couple articles published for a magazine, and several advertisements.

Does that say successful writer to you?  Maybe I am not on a best-seller’s list, and maybe I have not sold the movie-rights to something I wrote…as of yet.  But I have published, and I have two more works completed, one of which awaits me editing it, the other is actually with an editor now.  That brings me to ten completed works.  If that’s not success, then what is?

The final challenge: believe it.

Deep down, I still struggle with this.  Why?  Because I still believe the notion that without the lucrative contract or far-broader sales of my work, I am not a success.  I still am listening to the messages of society, and struggling to disbelieve them.

It is important for me to accept that I am a success.  I am a published author, I have incredible friends, an amazing wife, a roof over my head, a decent car, technology and freedom.  I am truly grateful for the things I have and the people in my life.  Feeling successful will empower me to more and greater success.

Every day is a new day.  And every day is a chance for new success.  There is work to be done.  As always, thank you for crossing the bridges with me.

 

GOAL LOG – Week 37:

Diet:  Mostly back on track and writing it out again.

Exercise:  Fencing two days, three days at the gym, one exceptional hike.

Writing:  The three blog posts were done; several days of writing in the sci-fi story.

Meditation:  Five of seven days last week, never less than 10 minutes.

Gratitude:  I was grateful for 5 things a day, over 5 days.

 

This is the fifty-second entry of my personal journey, the Crossing the Bridges series.  My collectively published writing can be found here.

Please take a moment to click the subscribe button (even if you did so before the blog was reformatted) and sign up for my newsletters!  Thank you!

How Joy Empowers Us

Living in joy is the ultimate goal.

I don’t want to spend my time at a desk, working for someone I might not entirely respect, doing something that bores me.  Life is just too short for that.  Rather, I want to do something that makes me happy.

Have you ever been told that “You have to work for a living” or “you gotta do what you gotta do” or “you have to make ends meet” or similar?  Likely, I suspect you have.  How come we so readily accept that work should be joyless and soul-crushing?

Crossing the Bridges 51Think about it.  Even if you are not working at something that isn’t ideal, how many people do you know that do?  How many friends and loved ones complain more about where they work than not?

How come we accept this?  Why have we decided that it’s perfectly ok to spend the majority of our waking hours being unhappy?

Yes, we can argue about “responsibility” and “being an adult” and on and on.  But consider this: we are only in these bodies, on this planet, for about a century – give or take a decade or two.  While our essence is energy, and will not be destroyed when we pass away, in these meat-popsicles our time is finite.

Not only is our society fear-based, but it’s also lack-minded.  We are inundated with messages that there is not enough, that we have insufficient supplies, that things are lacking.  This in turn leads some to hoard all kinds of things, and deny others because of this mentality.

Joy is a matter of abundance.

The universe is abundant.  Despite our being constantly told that it’s not, it actually is.  We are capable of manifesting pretty damned amazing things, when we get out of our lack mindset.

This is something I have been working on for some time.  I tend to get caught up in the lack mentality, and because of this I have spent a great deal of my life indecisive.  I couldn’t decide what I actually wanted, so frequently made no choice at all.  In my possession are many old journals, where entries from my thirties are all about being down, lacking satisfaction and joy and so on.

For years, I would tell you that my theme song was U2’s I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For.  This applied to my home, job, relationships, spiritual state, financial state, yadayadayada.  I complained a lot,  questioned everything, and felt very alone.

What changed?  I started to take action.  As I have mentioned many times, Pathwalking was borne of a New Year’s Action, to begin to write weekly.  From there, I began to take on this idea of conscious reality creation and making choices.  Lo and behold, I started to experience changes I wanted to see.

I got into a stable relationship.  There was a job I mostly enjoyed.  The SCA continued to provide me with an outstanding social outlet.  I was writing, and began to see works published.  I began to truly pursue my joy.

How come I didn’t do this sooner?  In part, because I believed when I was told “writers don’t make much money” and “you can’t make a decent living as a writer” and similar.  Most of these statements were made to me not maliciously, but “for my own good” and to help me make choices along the way.

Joy is too important to ignore.

We tend to give our pursuit of happiness and joy a lot less attention than we should.  We have accepted the narrative of our society that happiness and joy come in small doses.  While I acknowledge that it’s impossible to live in joy all the time, I still want to experience it more frequently than its negative opposites.

I know that I have to earn a living, that I need to contribute to society in a productive manner, and always strive to do my best.  What I do not accept is that I should spend most of that time discontent.  Must I accept that the majority of my day should be spent doing something that is unsatisfying, and leaves me unable to experience much joy?  I say no.

You can go ahead and call me irresponsible.  I accept that society largely will think I am crazy for working on conscious reality creation to manifest a joyful life.  But when all is said and done, the ultimate goal I believe everyone is in pursuit of is joy.

Changing the lack mentality and fear-based society we live in can feel really daunting.  This is why it starts with each and every one of us.  When I stop feeding the lack and fear machines, and instead empower the abundance and contentment engines, I believe I can help empower others.  It is not selfish to seek abundance and joy for ourselves when we act on sharing it.

Abundance for joy.

I am working on taking a new approach to my day.  When I start to feel like I am lacking, I will actively work on focusing on abundance.  I will use gratitude for the things I have, and see the abundances of my life.  Even the little, easy to take for granted things are a matter of abundance.  Rather than focus on things I don’t have, I will work on focusing on gratitude for the things I have.

Viewing the world as abundant instead of lacking is something we can all do to change it.  We can’t ignore the problems of the world, but instead of lamenting them, we can work on making our own individual lives abundant and joyful.  I think this is totally a worthwhile goal, don’t you?

As always, thank you for crossing the bridges with me.

 

GOAL LOG – Week 36:

Diet:  Mostly back on track, writing it out again.

Exercise:  Fencing two days, one day at the gym, one energetic hike.

Writing:  The three blog posts were done; a blog post to my author website; a couple days of writing in the sci-fi story.

Meditation:  Five of seven days last week, never less than 10 minutes.

Gratitude:  I was grateful for 5 things a day, over 5 days.

 

This is the fifty-first entry of my personal journey, the Crossing the Bridges series.  My collectively published writing can be found here.

Please take a moment to click the subscribe button (even if you did so before the blog was reformatted) and sign up for my newsletters!  Thank you!

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