I am afraid to do the thing I should do.
Afraid is not actually the correct feeling, however. At least, not in the face of logic. Maybe, the more correct thing here is I am concerned about the consequences that would come of my doing the thing I know I should do.
What is the elephant in the room? My job.
I have a decent, reasonable paying, low-pressure job. The hours are okay. The commute is generally not problematic. This job covers our health insurance.
I am bored out of my mind. Half of the job I was originally hired to do has been given to someone else, and I have almost no work to do in the remaining half. I have done all the makework I can for it, and I tolerate the majority of my coworkers, but several of them hold majorly opposing political views, and I find them often insufferable. More than once I have walked away from my desk to avoid getting into a discussion with people who cannot be reasoned with.
Now comes the guilt. I am employed. I am making a decent salary. I want to be grateful for having this job…but I am feeling like my time is being wasted. And I feel like an asshole because I am so discontent, rather than grateful.
I have been here before. Frankly, I get here pretty frequently with jobs. I reach the point where I am feeling no love for what I am doing or where I am doing it, and I will either walk away or lose the job because it gets emotionally overwhelming.
I know lots of people in low-paying jobs. I know several people without jobs. I know several people who have truly hateful jobs. I know people who work for truly awful people. My situation is not so bad…so how come I want to get out of it as badly as I do?
This is not me. This is not where I want to be for eight-and-a-half hours of my day, five days a week.
Facing a crisis of conscience.
I know what I should do, but I can’t. I have bills to pay, responsibilities to uphold, and I know in almost every logical way this would be a mistake to act on that impulse.
Does this make my a hypocrite? I think it does. I have been preaching Pathwalking, choosing my own destiny, for five-and-a-half years. But if I was walking my own path, I would not be in this position, I would not be in this place where I have to choose between the right thing and the right thing.
How’s that? Well, the right thing for me to do is get out of the situation. I should leave the job that makes me miserable and take the actions I believe can and will make me money. Yet, at the same time, I know I should keep the job and the good pay and benefits, and trudge through so I can stay in the black and pay the bills and contribute to my household.
This is and has been my greatest issue. I simply do not believe sufficiently in my own power. I talk a good talk, I write all about it…but I simply do not believe it. Not completely. I have tried and failed enough times in this life that I am choosing the familiar, the known, the soft and flabby reality I am living in.
There are many questions.
Is this really who I am? Am I really going to just allow myself to live a life I find dull, lackluster, and half-assed? Where is my gumption, where is my drive? I have studied so much and read so many things…how come I still cannot trust my instinct? Why am I still so skeptical?
I am the only one who can choose my life. Whatever choices I make will have consequences and repercussions. In the end, the only person who’s feelings matter in all of this is me. I am the only one who can feel what I feel, and how I feel. I am the only one who thinks as I do. This is wholly and entirely on me.
This is the ultimate challenge of my own belief system. Do I accept the notion that consciousness creates reality, for real? Am I able to really, truly embrace this, and work with it to build a life I desire to live far more than this one?
Choices and decisions.
This is the biggest test of faith I have ever faced in my life. This is where I choose if I want to live a life as is expected of me, or if I will live the life I really want to live. Do I believe in my own abilities, my own strengths and skills to do this? Can I walk the walk to match up to the talk?
This is huge. I have a big question before me, and there is nobody who can answer it, save me. Do I believe my own hypothesis…or am I just another dreamer who cannot become a doer? There are no easy answers. Let’s see what I do with this from here.
GOAL LOG – Week 22:
Diet: I am maintaining a reasonable diet.
Exercise: I spent Saturday walking all over the place, Sunday doing the same and shooting archery. I fenced Tuesday, hit the gym Wednesday.
Writing: The three blog posts were done, worked on my modern alchemist story one day.
Meditation: Four days last week, though only 3 minutes on one of those day and less than 10 minutes otherwise.
Gratitude: I expressed gratitude for 5 things four days last week.
This is the thirty-sixth entry of my personal journey, the Crossing the Bridges series. My collectively published writing can be found here.