The Ramblings of the Titanium Don

Explorations of Conscious Reality Creation and Other Matters

Month: October 2017 (Page 2 of 2)

Who Am I Disappointing?

Should I be concerned about disappointing myself?

I struggle with this pretty frequently, and I know I am not alone in this.

Who am I Disappoiting?Who am I?  I ask that question a lot.  Part of why I keep asking is because I am constantly changing – which is part of the human condition.  Another reason why I ask is because I know that you probably have a different impression of me than I have of myself.

Ever hear a recording of your voice and feel like, whoa, is that really how I sound?  If you hear enough recordings of your voice, you get used to how everyone else hears you.  It gives you an outside impression of an aspect of yourself.

Same thing applies to photos.  Ever look at a picture and wince at how you look?  Again, you are seeing yourself from without.

Inside my own head, I see myself differently than how you see me.  My voice is deeper, my body is stockier rather than flabby, and my hair is more pepper than salt.  If I feel good about myself, then these superficial aspects you see are not terribly important.

However, if I start to see the flabby guy with the greying hair and it makes me feel bad, and I become disappointed about myself, this can begin an ugly trend that might pick up speed and spiral out to further disappointment.

I am a social person.  I do a lot of things that put me out there.  Between publishing these posts weekly and teaching fencing and standing up in SCA courts, I present multiple facets of who I am.  Because I want people to think well of me, I worry about the impressions I make.

Is there anyone who I should worry about disappointing?

Yes.  Myself.  Because it’s a universal truth that you cannot please all the people all the time.  Some people are going to think I am pretty awesome.  Others are going to think I am not so awesome.  Still others probably think I’m an asshole.  I have no control over what you think about me.

Except I really wish that I did.  I don’t want people to think I’m an asshole.  I want people to think well of me.  It matters to me that I not be a disappointment to anyone.

Why?  How come this is important to me at all?  Because at the root of all my fears is the ultimate fear of abandonment.  The fear that I will be left to stand completely and totally alone in the world.  Fear of success, fear of failure are really just the surface concerns.  What I fear the most is being abandoned.

Subconsciously, I think if I disappoint you, in time you’ll give up on me, and walk away.  So long, and thanks for all the fish.  If I do not live up to my ideals, I will lose the people I have in my life.

Of course, in realty, this is ludicrous.  But the larger issue that this causes is that I have a certain ideal I strive to live up to.  In the pursuit of my goals and the bridges I am crossing, I have a standard I work to maintain.

When I do not keep control of my diet, or I don’t get to the gym, or meditate, or stick to my plan, I end up disappointed in myself.  I berate myself, I get annoyed with myself, and begin to think poorly of who I am.

Where does the disappointment come from?

I supposed I could blame certain outside influences for my feelings of disappointment.  I know that certain people close to me feel I have not made the most of my life.  There is worry that I might let down other people who are close to me, and that while they won’t tell me I am disappointing them, I am.  Of course, there is nobody to blame, because how I feel is all on me.

I think it’s a matter of validation.  Yet in truth, I think its more valuation than validation.  The difference is that approval is not indicative of worth.  Yet, if you look at Trump, to him approval is the sign of his worth, so maybe it’s not so surprising a thing.

I have been struggling a long time with feeling worthwhile.  Because I have spent so much of my life seeking validation in order to gage my valuation, I disappoint myself too easily.  When I become disappointed, I begin to feel worthless, and I question everything.

To better combat this issue, I need to re-evaluate what I think of myself.  I have mentioned how important self-talk is before, and it really is essential to think well of who I am.  When I don’t think good thoughts about myself, is inevitable that I will wind up disappointing myself instead.

While I sometimes find affirmations a little cheesy, that does not lessen their importance.  I need to remember when I begin feeling disappointment in myself I am worthwhile.  If I am disappointing other people, that’s not on me, because the person I need to not disappoint is myself.

Affirmation is valuation.

My new affirmation, whenever I begin feeling as if I am disappointing myself, is this:

I am worthwhile, skilled, loved, and I deserve good things in my life.

Consciousness creates reality.  I need to recognize when I am thinking poorly of myself, and actively turn it around.  When you find yourself in the same struggle, I encourage you to acknowledge your own worth, and know that you are not alone in this.

We’ve got this.  We will not be disappointing anyone, ourselves included.  As always, thank you for crossing the bridges with me.

 

GOAL LOG – Week 39:

Diet:  Back on track, writing it out.

Exercise:  Fencing one day, three days at the gym, two days where I took long walks.

Writing:  Three blog posts, some work on the sci-fi story.

Meditation: Four days last week, never less than 8 minutes.

Gratitude:  I was grateful for 5 things five days last week

 

This is the fifty-fourth entry of my personal journey, the Crossing the Bridges series.  My collectively published writing can be found here.

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Will Your Path Make You Happy?

What is important to me is that I live a good life, and am happy more often than not.

We all have different priorities.  Nobody’s emotions are exactly the same.  While we may give our emotions the same names, odds are how they feel to each of us differs.

Taking that another step, what makes me happy is going to be different from what makes you happy.  Not just because of how it may feel differently to each of us, but because the what of happiness is such a wide perspective.

Right now our society is beset by people who care about nobody but themselves.  Business leaders and government officials have been particularly selfish and uncaring.  Many see the world as a pie, but a singular, small, limited pie, with only a few slices to go around.  Rather than use their ability to produce unlimited pie, they hoard what they have and try to convince everyone else that this is the truth.

There is not enough pie to go around.  I am going to take this all for myself, and none for you.  Of course, if they viewed this as limitless instead, we would all have more to share, more to give, more in general.

The Universe is vast beyond our ability to comprehend it.  Further, the Universe is abundant.  This is not a place of lack and want, it is a place of more than enough and plenty.  It’s important to recognize this because I believe that a tremendous amount of our unhappiness comes from feeling lack.

We all want to feel.

This is something we often deny.  I think one of the reasons for the popularity of the notion of Vulcans in Star Trek is the lack of emotion.  When you don’t feel emotion, you don’t feel want, and as such you don’t feel lack or loss.  Emotions are viewed as weakness, and showing them often is considered socially unacceptable.

Thing is, like it or not, we are emotional creatures.  Humans feel things.  Good and bad, happy and sad, ecstatic and angry, and everything in between – having emotions is part of the human experience.  Taking this out further, I believe that the thing we most want from our lives is to feel positive emotions.

Why do you do the things you do?  Because at the end of the day, you want to feel good.  Yes, this is a generalization, but I believe that most of us want to experience good things in our lives.  We want to be happy, or at least content, with the lives we lead.

It’s all well and good to just be.  If that makes you happy, then more power to you.  But if you are displeased with life more often than otherwise, I am pretty sure that you are probably working to find ways to be more content.  Means to be happier.

Pathwalking is about choosing for ourselves how our lives are to be.  Yes, that involves working towards goals, some of which are material.  But even the material goals are meant to be part of something more, something greater.  My goal may be to become a best-selling author, but WHY I want to achieve that is because in the end, I believe that that will make me happy.

Happy and nature versus society.

We have been presented with a pretty standard expectation of what life should be.  There is a widespread belief on the part of our society for what we should be doing, how we should be living, and what we should expect.  While on the one hand we encourage people to dream and strive to grow bigger than they are, on the other hand we discourage them from stepping away from the common.  Often we tell them that taking their own path is fraught with risk, and an unacceptably low chance of reward.

Is it any wonder our society often seems kind of schizophrenic?  We tell you that this is the land of opportunity, but then we advise you not to take a chance.  You get told that you should strive to be more than you are, but then people tell you they’re afraid you’ll fail.  We play on fear so frequently that we find that state of being to be perfectly ok.

I for one do not want to live in a state of fear.  Life is too short and too full of possibilities for me to accept that fear should dominate me.  Yes, things can happen to you when you take a risk…but things can also happen to you when you DON’T take chances.  We often are lead to believe that it’s better not to try at all than to try and fail.

Do you know what our world would be like today if many of the great innovators had accepted that?  If they had not tried and failed and tried again, so many modern conveniences we take for granted just would not exist.  Sometimes failure is the best teacher.

In the end it’s all about emotions.

Frequently the things we want are material.  From the physical like cars and homes and jewelry to the abstract like good jobs, great relationships and wealth, these are tangible things.  Yet why do you think you want the tangible things you want?  Because you believe they will make you happy.

This is part of why we all want different things.  What makes me happy is going to be different from what makes you happy, him happy, her happy, them happy, and so on.  We all want different things, and even when we want similar things they may be for different reasons.  My point is, the things we want are actually manifested tangibles of the intangibles we truly desire.

I do not know anybody who wants to be unhappy.  Even the people I know who seem to take some sort of pleasure in being frequently miserable do not actually desire for that to be their state of being.  In the end, the paths we walk are lead to a good emotional place.

Acknowledging this can go a long ways towards understanding ourselves better.  When we recognize that we have emotional needs, I believe we can do better with our self-care.

Last and certainly not least – you deserve to be happy.  Really, truly, you do.  You are worthy of having a good and happy life.  I know that may be hard to believe sometimes – I certainly struggle with it.  But it is unequivocally true.

How do you think the things you want from your path will make you happy?

 

This is the three-hundred-first entry in my series. These weekly posts are ideas for and my personal experiences with walking along the path of life.  I share this journey as part of my desire to make a difference in this world along the way.

Thank you for joining me.  Feel free to re-blog and share.

The first year of Pathwalking, including some expanded ideas, is available here.

If you enjoy Pathwalking, you may also want to read my Five Easy Steps to Change the World for the Better.

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How Do You Feel Positive?

You woke up today.  That is tremendously positive.

You have air in your lungs.  Your heart is beating.  You have thoughts in your head.  These are all filled with positive energy.

Positivity 191You are reading these words on a computer, tablet or phone.  The positivity of that is impressive.

It is very easy to forget that the positive exists in the smallest, most trivial things in our lives.  Just being alive and living every day is immeasurably positive.

I know that it can be easy to lose sight of this.  Reading the news will make almost anyone feel negative.  I know many people who are struggling with money, health, weight, relationships, work, time management, and other matters that make it hard for them to feel good about life.  It often feels as if the negativity outweighs the positivity, and that there is far more bad than good in our world.

I know it may not feel like the truth, but you and I can control this.  We get to choose, every day, if we want to let the negativity overwhelm us, or if we want to find positives in this world.

Feeling Positive IS stronger than feeling negative.

That feels like a lie.  Except, in an abundant universe, it’s the truth.  We are just so used to being inundated with negatives that it can feel like positivity is at a premium, and hard to come by.

This is why recognizing the positive in the small things that make up our everyday lives is so useful.  We are here.  We have choices each and every day.  Sure, there are times we get frustrated, and we are made to feel as though this life is pointless.  Except, I want you to know, it is not.

You are valuable.  You are important, and You matter.  This is the truest thing for you to know and recognize about your life.

We are energy at our core.  The entire universe is made up of energy.  From the smallest nanoscopic particle to galaxies across the cosmos itself, all of it boils down to energy.  Energy can neither be created nor destroyed, it just changes form.  Energy in its most raw form is neutral.  We get to choose if we want to generate the negative or the positive in our lives.

Feel positiveWe get to choose if we want to live in a positive world, or a negative one.  The decision to only recognize things that make us feel bad is really, truly up to each and every one of us.  It takes very little to find positivity…if you make the effort to do so.

We should not ignore that negative things happen.  There are things which we need to actively work to better and things we can do little to nothing about.  Sometimes we are going to feel negative about the world…but it is up to us whether we feel it, or choose to sink into it and let it overwhelm our senses.

I know that I prefer to feel good rather than bad.  I think it’s worth it to seek every possible way to make this so.  How do you want to feel?

Finding positivity is not hard, but it does require action.

Knowing that there is positivity in the littles, most mundane aspects of our lives, we get to choose if we want to acknowledge it or not.  When we seek out positivity in the little things, we can overcome the seemingly vast amounts of negativity the world presents us, and as such we empower ourselves.  When we feel empowered, we often spread that feeling to others around us, and as such can build more positive feelings in the collective consciousness.  We can use the positive feelings this generates to dissolve negative feelings.  When we take away negative feelings, we open up space to let in positive feelings, and that is something we can be grateful for.  Gratitude leads to happiness.  Happiness is the ultimate positive attitude.  Positive attitude begets positive energy, and that is always a good thing.

 

This is the one hundred ninety-first entry of my Positivity series.  It is my hope these weekly messages might help spread positive energies for everyone.  Feel free to share, re-blog and spread the positivity.

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