I am the only one who can break the pattern. But I don’t have all the answers.
More often than not what I have is more questions.
I believe that this is one of the things, though, that makes life worth living. New questions, new things to learn, answers to be found for questions asked.
I have been asking myself a lot of questions lately. That’s what I do when I find myself on unfamiliar ground. Here I am, between jobs, with a real idea of what it is I want to create for my life.
Before I was let go from my last job, I wrote out a schedule for myself. I set up my day for the ideal job of writing full time.
In this schedule I allowed myself a somewhat flexible wake-up time. I set aside time to write and edit, time to workout, time to read. The plan that I created would allow me to get a whole bunch of work done, and really set me up to generate the life I most desire.
Consciousness creates reality. That means to me that I am capable of manifesting the life I want to live. Rather than get stuck in another so-so job; instead of working somewhere for eight hours a day that does not make me happy, I actively pursue the life I want, work for myself and spend more time in a good headspace.
Have I managed to do this? Yes…and no. I am still not entirely following my schedule, and I am coming up with distractions and excuses to carry it out completely. Why am I failing at this?
Questions and answers.
I need to be completely honest with myself here. I have had issues with ambition for a long time now. There are ideas I have. Plans get made. Yet, time moves forward, and I continue to return again and again to the same issues.
Stay with me here, this might be something of a wild ride. There is a pattern to my life, and I think I am only now acknowledging how much power I have given it. In an ironic twist, I have been blogging for some time now about how we are the only ones who have control over our emotions. Nobody but me feels what I feel. How often do I take control of what I am feeling? When am I most aware of the thoughts, feeling and action in regards to consciously creating my reality? When do I let myself just go with the flow?
I see this pattern before me. I plot out a new idea to work for myself, either with the writing of my novels or starting some new kind of writing-related business, or somehow working for myself. Then I start up, I get a little traction…and then it falls apart. Distractions overwhelm me, I half-ass my plan, I get disenchanted…then I stop believing in myself. The conclusion is reached that I am incapable of making this happen, and it’s time to once again take another job working for someone else…and hopefully this time it won’t bore me, make me miserable, or otherwise feel like a total waste of time.
The pattern repeats.
Rinse, repeat. I created Pathwalking in 2012, the idea being that I took a New Years Action, and started to blog weekly. Pathwalking almost instantly became my life philosophy. From there, I have further developed this idea of working on active conscious reality creation. Overall, my life has been pretty excellent since I started this. I’ve achieved a lot of different things and seen my life advance in some rather awesome ways.
Yet here I am today, without a job again, and I am questioning my purpose in life. I am questioning my motivation, my ambition, my willpower. Am I willing to do what needs to be done to consciously create my reality? Do I believe in myself enough to manifest this?
The pattern must be broken.
I am the only one who can change this. The pattern can only be broken by me. It is up to me to use my own mind, to become truly aware of what I am feeling and to do something with that. There is no magic pill, there is no single answer to this, except that I have to take action. I have to break this pattern.
Tony Robbins writes a lot about breaking patterns. To do that, you have to be aware of the words you choose to describe your emotions and situations you find yourself in. Rather than self-sabotage by allowing myself to get distressed with the process or depressed or failing to keep to my plan, I need to change my self-talk. I need to get impressed by the possibility, and I need to allow a momentary setback instead of depression; I need to not be failing at keeping my plan, I need to change my approach to the plan. Break my habits, break my patterns, redirect the language in my head.
Only I have the answers.
I am never going to have all the answers…nor do I want to. Life is about questions, learning, exploring, and gaining new knowledge and insight. I am capable of conscious reality creation, and I can manifest the life I desire. I see the pattern I do not want to follow before me, and I alone can break it.
Apologies for the rambling of this particular post. There is a lot on my mind, and for some reason this one has been really hard to compose. There are bridges I intend to cross, and I need to get the hell out of my own way. That’s what this is about. Nobody but me feels what I feel, I alone can ask the questions and seek the answers. Only I can break my pattern, change my habits, and manifest my desires.
Your support, reading these disjointed paragraphs today, is greatly appreciated. As always, thank you for crossing the bridges with me.
GOAL LOG – Week 34:
Diet: I did not fully track my diet last week.
Exercise: Fencing two days, no trips to the gym. One walk.
Writing: The three blog posts were done; editing of Harbinger occurred.
Meditation: Five of seven days last week, never less than 8 minutes.
Gratitude: I expressed gratitude for 5 things only once last week.
This is the forty-ninth entry of my personal journey, the Crossing the Bridges series. My collectively published writing can be found here.