I am afraid to do the thing I should do.

Afraid is not actually the correct feeling, however.  At least, not in the face of logic.  Maybe, the more correct thing here is I am concerned about the consequences that would come of my doing the thing I know I should do.

What is the elephant in the room?  My job.

I have a decent, reasonable paying, low-pressure job. The hours are okay.  The commute is generally not problematic.  This job covers our health insurance.

I am bored out of my mind.  Half of the job I was originally hired to do has been given to someone else, and I have almost no work to do in the remaining half.  I have done all the makework I can for it, and I tolerate the majority of my coworkers, but several of them hold majorly opposing political views, and I find them often insufferable.  More than once I have walked away from my desk to avoid getting into a discussion with people who cannot be reasoned with.

Now comes the guilt.  I am employed.  I am making a decent salary.  I want to be grateful for having this job…but I am feeling like my time is being wasted.  And I feel like an asshole because I am so discontent, rather than grateful.

I have been here before.  Frankly, I get here pretty frequently with jobs.  I reach the point where I am feeling no love for what I am doing or where I am doing it, and I will either walk away or lose the job because it gets emotionally overwhelming.

I know lots of people in low-paying jobs.  I know several people without jobs.  I know several people who have truly hateful jobs.  I know people who work for truly awful people.  My situation is not so bad…so how come I want to get out of it as badly as I do?

This is not me.  This is not where I want to be for eight-and-a-half hours of my day, five days a week.

Facing a crisis of conscience.

I know what I should do, but I can’t.  I have bills to pay, responsibilities to uphold, and I know in almost every logical way this would be a mistake to act on that impulse.

Does this make my a hypocrite?  I think it does.  I have been preaching Pathwalking, choosing my own destiny, for five-and-a-half years.  But if I was walking my own path, I would not be in this position, I would not be in this place where I have to choose between the right thing and the right thing.

How’s that?  Well, the right thing for me to do is get out of the situation.  I should leave the job that makes me miserable and take the actions I believe can and will make me money.  Yet, at the same time, I know I should keep the job and the good pay and benefits, and trudge through so I can stay in the black and pay the bills and contribute to my household.

This is and has been my greatest issue.  I simply do not believe sufficiently in my own power.  I talk a good talk, I write all about it…but I simply do not believe it.  Not completely.  I have tried and failed enough times in this life that I am choosing the familiar, the known, the soft and flabby reality I am living in.

There are many questions.

Is this really who I am?  Am I really going to just allow myself to live a life I find dull, lackluster, and half-assed?  Where is my gumption, where is my drive?  I have studied so much and read so many things…how come I still cannot trust my instinct?  Why am I still so skeptical?

I am the only one who can choose my life.  Whatever choices I make will have consequences and repercussions.  In the end, the only person who’s feelings matter in all of this is me.  I am the only one who can feel what I feel, and how I feel.  I am the only one who thinks as I do.  This is wholly and entirely on me.

This is the ultimate challenge of my own belief system.  Do I accept the notion that consciousness creates reality, for real?  Am I able to really, truly embrace this, and work with it to build a life I desire to live far more than this one?

Choices and decisions.

This is the biggest test of faith I have ever faced in my life.  This is where I choose if I want to live a life as is expected of me, or if I will live the life I really want to live.  Do I believe in my own abilities, my own strengths and skills to do this?  Can I walk the walk to match up to the talk?

This is huge.  I have a big question before me, and there is nobody who can answer it, save me.   Do I believe my own hypothesis…or am I just another dreamer who cannot become a doer?  There are no easy answers.  Let’s see what I do with this from here.

 

GOAL LOG – Week 22:

Diet:  I am maintaining a reasonable diet.

Exercise:  I spent Saturday walking all over the place, Sunday doing the same and shooting archery.  I fenced Tuesday, hit the gym Wednesday.

Writing:  The three blog posts were done, worked on my modern alchemist story one day.

Meditation:  Four days last week, though only 3 minutes on one of those day and less than 10 minutes otherwise.

Gratitude:  I expressed gratitude for 5 things four days last week.

 

This is the thirty-sixth entry of my personal journey, the Crossing the Bridges series.  My collectively published writing can be found here.