What do I want?
I have been asking this question of myself for most of my adult life. It is both the single most basic question I can ask, as well as massively loaded. This is a question that can be rooted in the past, awareness in the present, or looking to the future, which complicates things further.
One of the more complex issues I encounter with this question has long been its opposite. I was less sure of what I DID want, than of what I DIDN’T want. While that can be useful, it can also be distracting. In many ways it becomes the ultimate procrastination.
I spent my twenties indecisively. I went from relationship to relationship and job to job, always seeking the greener grasses. While getting hit by that car shifted my thinking in many ways, I proceeded to spend my thirties in nearly the same indecision. Relationships came and went, jobs came and went, and I never made a decisive choice about anything.
Now, in my forties, I am deciding my life. I have begun to work with consciously creating my reality. This has required me to undo a lot of long-held beliefs that no longer serve me, which in turn slows the process, sometimes seemingly to a crawl.
I have decided.
I have been posting to this blog at least weekly for over five-and-a-half years. Twice weekly for almost three-and-a-half years. Thrice weekly for forty weeks now. This was the result of me deciding to do something. It was one of the first solid, unquestioned decisions I made after decades of indecisions.
Now, in my forties, I have come to realize the importance of decision. Rather than hmm and haw and deliberate endlessly, I am working with deciding. This is not always easy, as I have spent most of my adult life afraid that the wrong decision would make me unhappy, so more often than not I decided not to decide at all.
One of the pitfalls of this realization for me is a vague sense of regret. How much of my time did I waste on my lack of decisions? However, the other side of the same coin is recognizing all that I learned from my previous, indecisive ways.
Now that I know how powerful working with decision is, I am forgiving myself for my past missteps and non-steps, and working more in the here-and-now on being who I want to be.
Present reality is a product of the past.
This concept is very hard for me to wrap my head around. Yet every single self-help and spiritual book I have read or listened to espouses this same idea. The life I have, right now, is the result of decisions made and not made in my past. Because consciousness creates reality, decision is a product of conscious choice. When I decide, I am the one responsible for the reality I am creating.
Knowing this, and not being entirely satisfied with my current reality, I am working on making more conscious decisions to create better. I can take better care of my body and mind; I can do work that makes me happy rather than saps my energy; I can focus on abundance to bring more good into my life, and the lives of those I care about.
I am completely aware of this. I know how this works. Knowing what I want and making decisions in the here-and-now will build the life I most desire. Yet I still struggle with indecision, and not letting outside influences upset me.
World news can be distressing. The American political landscape is thoroughly upsetting. Friends are struggling with all kinds of different issues. Awareness of these things is important, so long as I don’t let them interfere with my decision making process. The only life I can directly influence and effect is my own. The only reality I can consciously create is mine.
Knowing what I want is just a step across the bridge.
Change is scary. The unknown can be unsettling. Stepping out of my comfort zone has always been particularly challenging, but I have done it before successfully. I went to college halfway across the country all on my own, and restarted my life. After college I moved to New Jersey, again restarting my life. I completely recovered from serious injuries without ever considering any alternative. So what is holding me back now?
Me. I am holding me back. I know what I want, but not how to make it happen. Yet everything I know about conscious reality creation, every book I have read or listened to tells me the same thing. To move out of my comfort zone I have to get uncomfortable. I need to decide to get clear of my limiting beliefs, to take the necessary steps and go for it.
The how is not my concern. It is the decisions that need to be made. I need to let go of the uncertainty, the fear, the doubt, the indecision. The time to decide is now. I am not my past, and unless I work in the present I will not attain my desired future. Nothing is holding me back, except of course for me.
What do I want?
I want to be decisive. I want to live in the now. I want to consciously create the reality that will have me waking up every morning with a sense of excitement for the day ahead. I want to straighten my back, square my shoulders, and take steps across the bridges, head held high and confident. I know what I want. As always, thank you for crossing the bridges with me.
GOAL LOG – Week 26:
Diet: Overall I have been good on my food intake, though slightly less so when in Knoxville last weekend.
Exercise: Fencing two days, one lap around the small lake three different days, four laps around the small lake one day, and a trip to the gym. Exercised four solid days last week.
Writing: The three blog posts were done.
Meditation: Four of seven days last week, never less than 7 minutes.
Gratitude: I expressed gratitude for 5 things on four days last week.
This is the fortieth entry of my personal journey, the Crossing the Bridges series. My collectively published writing can be found here.
Please take a moment, even if you have done so before, to subscribe to my blog!