Some days it feels utterly impossible to walk a path of my own choosing.
There are days when the notion of living a life of my own choosing seems equally dissatisfying as letting life live me. It just seems like too much work, too much effort, too much focus.
I sit in front of my computer, pondering researching something or writing something or some other useful thing…and I have no desire. Expending any effort seems like a struggle.
I move around. I try to meditate, cannot focus, unfocus, or sit still. I try to read, and find that the words cannot hold my attention. I attempt to watch TV, and the distraction does not interest me. I try to nap, I cannot remain sedentary. I think I want to eat, food provides no solace. I go to the gym, and every aspect of my workout routine feels unwieldy.
Cannot think clearly. Unable to focus. Don’t want to be stopped in one place, don’t want to be active. Pathwalking? That seems abstract when doing ANYTHING is a total challenge.
I think everyone experiences days like this. For some people it manifests differently, of course. It is not depression, it is akin to finding yourself in a waking void. I am barely able to hold thoughts in my head, let alone interact with anyone.
Where does such a space come from, and why does this come about? That’s the question I am asking myself. Is it because of the grey and rain today, or are they just magnifying the effect? Why am I easily distracted, yet unable to devote my attention to anything? What will it take for me to get back on a path – any path at all?
It is a very disconcerting sensation. I do not know why I am feeling like this, and I am at a loss for how to resolve it. What will make me feel connected again, what will make me feel better?
Through trial and error, I have found a couple things that are allowing me to reconnect.
Busywork. I have found some necessary projects that have occupied me, allowed me to focus. They are mostly mindless, relatively tedious things, but they are still reconnecting me with the world, at least for a brief time.
Reflection. Allowing myself to just BE in this odd void. Sitting, contemplating, just going with the lack of connection. This is not easy, because it is a VERY disconcerting sensation…but this is still allowing me to keep my head screwed on, more or less.
Analysis. Is there some reason I am feeling this? Is it related to atmospheric conditions like rain and barometric pressure, too little sleep, dietary choices, sunspots? Before this disassociation hit was I feeling down or sad or tired or unhappy or any other notable emotion?
I am finding that if I resist this, it makes it worse. I feel more and more disconnected as I fight against the feeling.
I am loved. I make my own choices for how I want to live, and what I want to do with my life. I am a Pathwalker. And though it may be a day where the path is impossible to discern and I cannot choose, it is just a day.
One of the important things about Pathwalking is living day to day. The Path varies, it changes, it shifts, but every day is new, every day is different, every day has new potential, new opportunity.
If today is a day of disconnect, this is just today. Tomorrow is another day.
How do you cope with off days like this?
This is the seventy-fourth entry in my series. These weekly posts are specifically about walking along the path of life, and my desire to make a difference in this world along the way. Thank you for joining me.